Cry for help
 

STOP IT. You don't need that crap. There are better things to do with your money.

Shoelace questions
 

Mmmmm, peach cobbler.

Shoelace questions
 

Some of them still say "cobbler" on their signs.

Of course, our doctors still recommend a "good bleeding" every once in a while...

Cry for help
 

Like what?

Public Service Announcement
 

I had a similar experience. I passed by one point on my first try. 70 out of 100 was passing, and the guy took off 25 points for one perceived offense.

In the drive-around-the-neighborhood part, a ball bounced out in the street from between two cars, followed a split second later by a small child. I slammed on the brakes and stopped about two feet short of the kid. The officer nailed me for 25 points for failing to look in my rearview mirror before the emergency stop.

While this is technically correct, had I done so, I certainly would have failed the test for having killed a kid. My thought was that even if a car had been right behind me, it hitting me was better than me hitting the kid. Since I passed, I wasn't going to argue my logic with the guy.

Cry for help
 

buy me expensive jewelry. give it to planned parenthood and perhaps the number of screaming brats in your locale will fall.

actually, if there is expensive jewelry in that basket for me, go ahead and check out.

Cry for help
 

Just buy it and shut the fuck up. Unless it's ugly or makes you look fat. In which case, why are you buying that crap in the first place?

Shoelace questions
 

Leeches are making a comeback. They're used to help healing in reattaching severed limbs. http://www.leechesusa.com/leechesusa/

Shoelace questions
 

The firm recently held a meeting where the partners got together and discussed whether they should provide you with a mentor, since it is painfully apparent to everyone that you desperately need one. But it was decided that you would have to continue sending out these 5-page memos seeking advice because no partner would volunteer since you ask too many stupid questions.

TM

NHL playoff haiku (question edition)
 

Who can win at home?
Does Jerome know the way to
San Jose's shark tank?

Can Bolts stop Primeau?
Will Amonte ever score?
Which goalie breaks first?

Shoelace questions
 

Try Old Town Leather Repair on Wells.

Or the Village Cobbler on Armitage.

Shoelace questions
 

Thanks, 'trane.

Shoelace questions
 

I thought this message was painfully clear when you gave him the tickets to see Rent in Atlanta.

Public Service Announcement
 

There's a shock.

I passed mine. But I took it in a town south of nowheresville (where my college was located) and it was easy. For parallel parking, they had cones set up on the street fifteen feet away from each other (just for the test -- and it was like a mile away from the dmv). So I back in and pull forward and am 1 inch from the curb. Perfect.

The guy looks at me and says, "You're from New York aren't you?"

I says, "Yeah. Why?"

He says, "I'm not going to mark you down for this, but we usually don't park that close to the curb here in the [not-so-cotu]."

Since it was clear I was going to pass, I didn't ask, "What difference could parking closer to the curb possibly make, jackass?"

TM

Public Service Announcement
 

Dear Burger,

I thought you would find this helpful. : )


Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh---ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s--t.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This s--t won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh-- and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources