Court related things
 

Even if this were my day, I wouldn't remember that time a week later.

Cake
 

Too bad it's not your birthday.

Court related things
 

I am not afraid to admit that I would take either of your lifestyles (not working/working only the hours that you choose to work) over the one I have now (billables billables billables). I would find different uses for my time, I'm sure, but I think I could adjust. The only hard part is the loss of the paycheck.

Court related things
 

Not if you describe it as such on the monthly billing statement.

iPod musing.....
 

Life imitating art.

TM

Court related things
 

Do you think the other woman in that scene was happy when she got the call that she was cast?
What kind of audition did she have?
Does she go to the premiere?
Doesn't she secretly want to end up on the cutting room floor?

Court related things
 

"Lesbo Sex scene with Jennifer Connolly in an art-house flick."

There was probably a casting line out the door

Court related things
 

Screw that. I'm holding out for the manny gig.

Exciting news from Not Bob!
 

As you know, all of us here at Not Bob take the Not Bob brand seriously, and are always looking for ways to improve and upgrade your experience with Not Bob.

After an extensive period of research into what it is that makes a Not Bob post the je ne sais quois experience that it is (is it the seeming reasonableness? the thinly-masked know-it-all-ism? the good manners?), including the use of focus groups and polling), your friends at Not Bob are thrilled and honored to announce the following exciting new developments:

(1) More editions of "Ask Not Bob"! That's correct, more of those fake letters to Not Bob which Not Bob can use in his lovably passive-aggressive way to make his seemingly rational yet subtly dismissive points. Get your letters in! Not that we'll use them, of course -- we like to make up our own.

(2) More Fenwick! Yup, Not Bob's much-beloved associate Fenwick will make more regular appearances in Not Bob posts. Look for Fenwick to be used as kind of a Greek chorus, or maybe a set-up person, or even simply an Everyperson. As an associate of indeterminate gender, Fenwick can serve as a handy placeholder for each and every member of the LawTalkers community. Fenwick will star in a series of advertisements promoting the Not Bob brand of shtick.

(3) You can take Not Bob out of Podunkville, but you can't take the Podunkville out of Not Bob! This season, Not Bob and his wacky friends and neighbors (all your favorites -- Big Ed, Big Edna (her real name is Michelle), Wanda of Help Me, Wanda's hair salon, the Harvard law chick mechanic at Big Ed's Fina station, Big Ed's brother Big Earl, all of the fun kids at the Dew Drop Inn, and various assistant managers, cashiers, and patrons at the Piggly-Wiggly) will visit various cities across the US of A. See Big Ed at the Rainbow Room, Wanda at the Sears Tower, and Big Earl at the Folsom Street Fair. Should be a *lot* of fun.

(4) The day Not Bob's music died -- today! Sadly, there is a time and a purpose to all things, and the time has passed for Not Bob song parodies. Sure, "Don't Cry For Me, Fashionistas," "What Would Billmore Baggins Do," and "Me and Paigow P" were all classics, but, well, they were also all composed a long time ago. We all share your disappointment with recent efforts, and have terminated with extreme prejudice those writers who created those flops. Enough said.

We here at Not Bob value your reading of Not Bob posts, and look forward to continuing to provide you with high quality posts at a fair price.

Have a Not Bob Day!

nwtf....
 

So the IT guy comes into my office a few minutes ago. Asks me what I am doing for a lunch....I say probably not eating and working at my desk. He says, "hmmmm, I can go for the tuna from [restaurant in our building]" I responded yes, that sounds good. He then says, "you treating?". Huh!?!? He then says, "oh by the way, I ran the quarterly cookie check on the Firm's network, some interesting cookies.......not quite work safe, if you know what I mean"....yes, I know what he means.

So, now I have to buy this doofus lunch.

But it gets worse and weirder....so then he says, "hey, you know Ron Jeremy, right?" I reply that I know who he is (the number of porn site cookies on my harddrive make it impossible for me to pretend I don't) but I don't know know him. He says, "right, yeah, so I had a dream last night, I was spit-roasting some hot chick with Ron Jeremy, and during the roasting, Ron puts up his hand for a high five, and when I give it to him, he holds my hand and won't let go.......then I woke up.......do you think I'm a gay? Latently?"

I hemmed and hawed and during which I IM'd my secretary and had her buzz me, and then pretended I had a client call and kicked him out.

Is this fucked up or what? What should I say to this guy next time I see him? (my secretary is delivering his tuna lunch to him, so I am avoiding him for now).

Court related things
 

I applied no such standard. You are not pretty at all. Period. You can jump up and down and pretend I lied or say I have impossibly high standards, but I was not judging you based on if I would sleep with you or date you. I simply looked at your face and could tell that you are neither pretty nor cute. I met you with the sole goal being to give everyone on this board an idea of what you look like.

The overwhelming majority of people on this earth would agree with me and I am quite certain everybody on this board would feel the same way. So, until you meet Sebby and he comes back and posts all about how cute you are (or until you convince SS to actually post about how pretty you are), shut the fuck up.

We know you did. You do every fucking day. The fact is, you are not pretty and the attention you get has absolutely no connection to your looks. If you think it does, you are completely delusional.

The attorneys are being nice to you because you work for them and they are probably nice people. Unless they are uglier than you or have some sort of fat, asian girl fetish, they are not hitting on you. Neither are the people you run into every day.

Whenever anyone says you are hot, they are telling you a white lie to avoid hurting your feelings. They do this because it is so very obvious to everyone around you that you need validation about (i) how you look (because you are well below average), (ii) your career choice (because paralegals ain't shit, no matter how much money you make -- I know, I used to be one) and (iii) your lifestyle (as evidenced by the fact that you can't have a conversation for more than 30 seconds without mentioning a brand name you want or are wearing).

You are a shallow, pathetic, empty, nothing of a person. Usually this perfect storm of emptiness occurs only in hot women. But you don't even have that. You are considerably overweight and unattractive. In fact, if you lost 40 pounds, you would still be unattractive.

Keep telling yourself that I lied about your looks. Because that's really all you have to hold onto. The truth hurts.

TM

Court related things
 

Although my last post was harsh, at least you aren't completely worthless. Maybe it makes me crazy, but I honestly could not believe that even you would stoop to something so low.

TM

Court related things
 

You are such a flirt.

Court related things
 

Make sure that the retainer check clears before you incur any hard costs or substantial time. Join the Rotary. Spend extra with the coffee service to get decent stuff for the lobby pot, and don't use the powdered creamer.

Fenwick also suggests running a background check before you let the client into the office, but the rest of us found The Pie Guy (did you know that throwing a pie at someone is a felony?) quite amusing, and the chocolate cream residue cleaned off of the naughahyde chair nicely.

Because sometimes the Ignore button does you no good
 

From Overheard in New York:

Woman: We'll have the perfectly peanut butter sundae.
Store girl: Okay, sure.
Man: Come on, you know I fucking hate the taste of peanut butter!
Woman: Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago, I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!
Store girl: ...Um...Yeah, so...I'm taking that as extra peanut butter.

--Dylan's Candy Bar, 3rd Avenue