Bennifer to wed in Santa Barbara
 

You cruel, heartless cynic. I am one hundred percent certain that Ben and JLo's sacred union will last for their entire lives in a perfect convergence of joy, oneness, devotion, and love. Just like her last two marriages.

Sad news for Thrasher
 

Gentlemen, I think we have located the Ark of the Covenant.

Sad news for Thrasher
 

Somehow, I'm not grossed out at all by the birth of animals -- I've seen cows, horses and dogs giving birth (and loads of other animals on "Discovery Channel" type programs.) But human deliveries give me the willies.

(Which reminds me -- over the weekend, I met the woman who is the "female voice" of the Discovery Channel -- I wonder how you get that job?)

Miscasting of the century
 

It was his rituals. Like the peeling of the mask in the morning and the whole grooming process. And his explanations of the Huey Lewis and Phil Collins oeuvres. And how he got so angry about the other guys business card.

I'm hearing voices
 

Did you find her voice familiar, or did you learn about her job some other way?

Barbie's a Jew, AND a Threat to Morality
 

So watch out for your daughters:

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast/....ap/index.html

Sad news for Thrasher
 

Warning labels are a good idea. But then again, good sense is a good idea. Photos of your crotch? Really? Do people really think you want to see their crotch?
I don't take pictures of my crotch and show them to people (breasticle day notwithstanding).
I can't imagine being in a situation where I would have to say to someone "AAAAGGGGHHHH, what the hell are you doing here? Are you trying to kill me? How about some warning? What are you thinking? What's wrong with you? Get me some more alcohol!"

Sad news for Thrasher
 

That's precious. Just this morning, my two-year-old was running around the house gleefully shouting "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!" which was really darling because, against all possible odds and expectations, he picked up his first swear word from his mother.

(And that, brothers and sisters, is your Bilmoresque Post of the Day.)

Paigow poker
 

Paigow Poker is a game where both you and the dealer are dealt seven cards. Both you and the dealer divide the seven cards into a "five card" hand and a "two card" hand. The only rule in doing so is that your five card hand must be able to beat your two card hand -- if you have one pair, you can't put it in your two card hand, because that would beat your "Ace high" five card hand.

You win if both of your hands beat both of the dealer's hands. You win 97.5% of your bet.
You lose if both of the dealer's hands beat both of your hands. You lose 100% of your bet.
You push if the result is a 1-1 tie. You get to keep 100% of your bet.

Decisions come when you have two pair, and have to decide to keep them together in your five card hand, or to split them up and put the big pair in your five card hand and the little pair in your two card hand. Other decisions come when you have a straight or a flush, with really bad other two cards, and choosing whether to keep the straight or flush together (which basically guarantees you a push), or turning it into a worse five card hand and a better two card hand, which in some cases gives you a chance of winning.

The term "Paigow" is synonymous with "Really Shitty." If you've got no ace, no pair, no straight, no flush, you've got paigow. Everyone always roots for the dealer to have paigow, so the whole table wins.

str(all your gambling questions answered)8

So, how about those Mets?
 

I am convinced that overweight (or "fat") people are behind the annoying practice of the office birthday "party." Who else would want birthday cake 50 times a year? I've always thought birthday celebrations were a little silly anyway. What your really saying is, "Congratulations. You were born and you haven't died yet." Why would I want to mark such a silly occasion with work "friends" while standing around uncomfortably around the giant cookie. Look, people, I'm not your friend, they pay me to be with you.

Miscasting of the century
 

Yes, because we certainly need spread collars and big full-windsor knots on all the doughy american faces. That's looking sharp!

So, how about those Mets?
 

Y'all get giant cookies? I love giant cookies. With the frosting, of course. We never get giant cookies. Maybe for my next birthday I will a frosted giant cookie.

So, how about those Mets?
 

Where the hell do you work? That sounds perverted.

Bennifer to wed in Santa Barbara
 

This is obviously a red herring. Do you really think they would share a facility with Vivian Terhark of Spooner, Wis.?

Paigow poker
 

This answers so many questions. Thank you.