Originally Posted by robustpuppy (Post 372212)

And I would say that maybe you should reconsider your interference with your siblings' parenting decisions, too, but then I'd be peeing in a tent where my nose doesn't belong, or something like that.

Originally Posted by bold_n_brazen (Post 372198)

Absent a request for input, I would smack either of my brothers who felt it was within their rights to interfere.

Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy (Post 372216)

I'm actually the least interfering of my sibs. I usually wait until the blood has stopped flowing and the combatants are exhausted, and then step in to provide balanced and sagacious advice when requested.

I also speak last at weddings, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, wakes and funerals.

Can a family member truly be a butowski? I mean, if all your family members held their tongue on some idiot thing your sister did, she'd still feel the cold shoulder somewhere, wouldn't she? I admire any family that can avoid it, but I haven't had the personal experience.

Originally Posted by Gattigap (Post 372213)

Yeah. Shaddup, Atticus.

Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy (Post 372216)

I'm actually the least interfering of my sibs. I usually wait until the blood has stopped flowing and the combatants are exhausted, and then step in to provide balanced and sagacious advice when requested.

I also speak last at weddings, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, wakes and funerals.

Can a family member truly be a butowski? I mean, if all your family members held their tongue on some idiot thing your sister did, she'd still feel the cold shoulder somewhere, wouldn't she? I admire any family that can avoid it, but I haven't had the personal experience.

Originally Posted by Atticus Grinch (Post 372206)

Yeah, I get that it's meddling. Family dynamics are such that everyone is allowed to judge one another without too many hurt feelings, because a sense of humor about oneself is prized above all else, but this particular sister is known to lash out over parenting issues in violation of the general rule. Chances I will say something to her are in the low zeroes. I just wanted to know if my emotional response to it was off-base, so I know which side of the family's whispering campaign I should join. I'm leaning toward the "What a terrible decision to face; I would have done the opposite" camp.

Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy (Post 372219)

This would stop them?

Are you guys all wasps?

Originally Posted by robustpuppy (Post 372221)

So says the man who let his kid get into show business! What are you thinking? I would never do that to my kids. Even though they're gorgeous and talented.

Originally Posted by robustpuppy (Post 372212)

I say this with all affection for Atticus and with recognition that I frequently offer my own opinion where it's not wanted, but this is a parental decision and all other tongues should be held.

And I would say that maybe you should reconsider your interference with your siblings' parenting decisions, too, but then I'd be peeing in a tent where my nose doesn't belong, or something like that.

He doesn't live in their house or in the girl's head, and his niece's current situation is not about What Is Wrong With America but about what is going on in her life. That her other friends are on Xanax is irrelevant.

It's up to her parents to determine whether it's garden-variety teen angst or anxiety warranting treatment, and whether that treatment should be pharmaceutical or more "holistic." Moreover, children can and do have anxiety and depression that may respond to medication. It's no more normal for a child to have a mood disorder than it is for an adult. To say that high school is stressful is to say that life is stressful. If she were in her 20s and in law school, would you be so quick to chalk up whatever she's going through to academic stress? If in her 30s and at a law firm, job stress? In her 40s, sandwich-generation stress? In the nursing home, realizing that even at death's door, life is like high school stress?

Of course, if Atticus thought that their parenting judgment were severely compromised for some reason, such as drug or alcohol abuse or severe dysfunction in the home - which he stated is not the case - then he would have grounds to step in. But as to a mere difference of opinion and philosophy - no matter how strongly held those opinions are - well, it's just not his place.

Originally Posted by Atticus Grinch (Post 372227)

Part of the problem is that the pro-Xanax folks didn't hold their tongues, but the anti-Xanax folks are seen as meddling when they offer a counterpoint. In that context, it will quickly become the new normal. A nuclear family is not an island, and I assume Sister shared this with us before it was a fait accompli because she needed help in the decision. I'm not convinced that the only kind of help that is appropriate to offer a family member is necessarily "support."

That said, your point that nearly every way of saying what I want to say will come off as an attack on her parenting is something I agree with 100%, which is why I never asked whether I should say something.

Originally Posted by Hank Chinaski (Post 372228)

here's the thing, the hardest age for parenting is always the age where your oldest is at. you are breaking new ground, and the issues seem immense and too difficult to solve. Still, from my limited experience, a very tough time is a girl and her mother's relationship from about 14-19. It is a nightmare.

I had to say, several times, "ummmm, i kind of think K is right honey." never within earshot of K, but still. point is, it is easy to get going down a wrong course.

your sister is dealing with a child that is a cauldron of hormones, and someone with a diploma on his wall is telling her what she should do. it is hard to think for oneself in that situation.

that is why, my limited suggestion of simply asking a question, w/o offering any opinion is correct.

Originally Posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy (Post 372229)

A good point to note is that all the women on the board weighing in so far don't want any advice on childrearing from family members. It may be easier to give advice to the male part of the equation - we're more accustomed to being wrong.

Originally Posted by Atticus Grinch (Post 372232)

Unfortunately, you know the part where I said she was high-strung but came by it honestly? That would be because my BIL is a fucking dulcimer string. Nice guy, loves his family and takes good care of them, but he's the one who needs Xanax. At family events he's like a honeybee in the kitchen.

OTOH, he's rich as fuck by family standards -- they have a vacation home! -- so maybe I should take a lesson. We made him a godfather of one of our kids in the hope that maybe one of them could go to college.

Originally Posted by Hank Chinaski (Post 372235)

if you want I'll call him. i had psychology in college....at Harvard.