It's all in the genes . . .
 

OK, is it normal for a pre teen boy, who eats far more lollipops and drinks far more soda than his dad likes to have never had a cavity?

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Little fucker (no offense). But I think so. Some kids luck out and either don't harbor, or aren't sensitive to, the bacteria that cause decay. Other kids can do everything right but still have the bad bacteria. I think it's partially genes, and partially environment, because your kids can get the bad bacteria at least from kissing you and sharing cups and whatnot.

This is too late to help my kid, I think, as I've already kissed her at least a couple of times.

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Bad dental bacteria pass w/o saliva exchange? Yikes!

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Worry not, matey, I just did a blasted google search and learned that, as in all other things, this is (purportedly) solely the mother's fault, arrrrr.

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Awesome - I'll just add it to the list of Things to Feel Guilty About.

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Did he have sealants put on his molars when he was younger?

I didn't start getting cavities until college. By then my sealants had popped off and I was particularly vulnerable. The grooves in my molars are freakishly deep, do the dentists have said there's nothing I can do about it since the bad stuff will collect there. Since then I have gotten cavities in almost all of them, and I assure you that my Sonicare aided dental hygiene has been much better than it was as a kid.

It's all in the genes . . .
 

Yeah, tootsie rolls.

It's all in the nuggets . . .
 

Avoid Chick-Fil-A party platters or you may end up biting on a crunchy bit and breaking your molar clean in half because the 15-20yr old filling just couldn't hack it. And you might scream in pain and make the other party-goers stare and wonder why you are yelling "Fuck!" at a 1yo's birthday party. I'm just saying, it could happen.

It's all in the nuggets . . .
 

Last night I had the following conversation with the Brazenette.

She: Mommy, memeber last night when I throwed up?

Me: Yes, honey.

She: Well, mommy, actually in english it's called puking.

It's all in the nuggets . . .
 

I always found myself partial to the term, shouting at your shoes, or my second favorite, the technicolor yawn.

aV

appropriateness?
 

It is a appropriate, at park, for another parent, whom you are acquainted with (your kids are in the same class, but you are not really social friends), who is sitting on a park bench next to your four year old, talking to her, innocently, to ask her if it is okay to have a drink of her bottle of water, and then take a swig and give it back to her? Or is this sort of creepily unsanitarily uncool?

appropriateness?
 

Uncool. It would be OK with a younger kid, let's say two, to pretend to drink all the water with the cap on.

appropriateness?
 

don't even humor him. He and I were having an argument about whether his mom's behavior when we were growing up was okay (any of the stuff with the football team is out of bounds!). What he didn't mention is that when his mom gave my little sis the water back, mom stuck it down sis's pants. Poll: Given that, would you be a character reference at Mrs. P's parole hearing?

appropriateness?
 

Gross.

The Lexling may or may not have drug resistant staph, which is scary and disgusting and also scary. After something like that, you may want to suggest to the offending parent that your child is being treated for it also and you suggest she call her doctor immediately and wash her mouth out with anti-germ gel.

On a separate note - this germ crap is scary shit.

appropriateness?
 

I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope everything turns out to be a false alarm, and if not, that the treatment goes well.

appropriateness?
 

I walked out for 5min today at 4:55 to go get the mail and the pediatrician's office called and left no message and of course it was too late to call back. Doesn't bode well, though; usually if it is bad news, they want to tell you in person.

appropriateness?
 

Not necessarily. I have gotten several messages from docs saying "call me back" only to be told the test results were negative or fine or normal or whatever.

I think that the responsible docs don't want to leave messages on answering machines that they don't know for sure are accessible only to the patient.

appropriateness?
 

Given the overweening sense of caution HIPAA has spawned, doctors are shy about giving information over the phone unless they know for a fact the person receiving the message will be the proper party. I go to doctors a lot, and they won't give test results to my wife, even thought they've known her for years.

It was positive. So we'll be avoiding other humans for the next 2w.

appropriateness?
 

Ask for their authorization form, and specifically authorize them to give test results to your wife. It may help.

So says the HIPAA person.

So sorry to hear that. I hope the rest of you can stay healthy. Hard enough to take care of a sick little one when you are well, worse when you are not . . .

appropriateness?
 

I was timing you.

appropriateness?
 

Yesterday, our pediatrician's billing office said they couldn't give me a copy of the itemized billing statement for my son's recent visit that they had sent to our ins co (which I wanted so that I could cross-check it against the EOB from of the ins co) because of HIPAA. I'm guessing they think they need him (the 5 year old) to sign an authorization form allowing them to give paperwork to me.

appropriateness?
 

Heh. Does your kid share your last name?

appropriateness?
 

I appreciate the HIPAA person's wisdom and advice, and I acknowledge she is right in theory. Unfortunately, the nurses and staff at the doctor's office are not HIPAA people. They may not know this.

appropriateness?
 

This is sadly what the HIPAA person finds in pretty much every health care setting she walks into. It is sort of funny to watch the fear on their faces when she says, "I am the HIPAA person." There's a bit of pity there too.

appropriateness?
 

Yeah, he does. It took a lot of restraint to keep from making a snipey, lawyery (read: bitchy) reply.

Actually, I'm liking this idea though. Pointing out the absurdity of their position by having my 5 year old sign an authorization form. And then having my 2 year old do one too. Hah! I will get that paperwork, damn it!

Tangential, but related: My son just started kindergarten. It's clear that the liability concerns these days are different than when we were all in school. The 1st week they sent home a HUGE packet of forms to be signed and returned. A number of these forms called for the signatures of the students (only). You know, like that the kid will accepts all liability if he accesses porn from the school computer and traumatizes another child or whatever. Who the hell are the lawyers for the school district? Do they even need to go to law school? Yeah, a contract of adhesion, signed by a 5 year old (who cannot read, much less give a proper signature), is binding . . .

appropriateness?
 

The school, and its lawyers, realize that the contract is not LEGALLY binding. That's not the point. It creates a moral and ethical obligation on the student's part. The exercise is part of the socialization process. They are emphasizing teaching kids at an earlier age that they are part of a community and that their actions affect that community.

It's not a bad idea. On the other hand it's rather sad that this sort of thing is not effectively being taught in the home enough to render it unnecessary.

appropriateness?
 

That's all well and good, but then they ought to present the lesson in a way that can be effectively received and understood by the student. My son has a better chance than most of understanding the documents, because his mom is a lawyer and can explain them to him. I can't imagine that many of the parents of the other kindergarteners even tried to explain. These documents might make sense for middle school and older, but are ridiculous for elementary.

appropriateness?
 

Have you considered returning any bills with a letter explaining they should seek payment directly from your son?

appropriateness?
 

I never meant to suggest that the idea was less than totally nuts.

appropriateness?
 

Geez those lawyers are so dumb, they must have been unable to get jobs as retarded floor greeters at Wal*Mart.

I would just throw them out. No way my right to a free approprate (hah!) public education is contingent on signing useless shit.

I get the point that this shit is sent as a goof so they can say to the kid "You know you fucked up" if he shows the rest of his klass peepees and titties on the internet.

We get tons of that shit in travel hockey, where they actually can kick you out if you fuck up. But they never do.

For shits and giggles you can have your kid redline the doc.

Newsflash
 

Friends,

I know that for the most part we've avoided using this Board to detail the accomplishments of our children and relatives. I appreciate and admire our communal restraint, and have modestly joined in that effort. But as a matter of public service, I need to take this moment to let everyone here know that my son the Gaplet is simply the Greatest Child Actor in California.

Gaplet the Older (7yo) is an interesting kid. He plays and enjoys athletics. He does the T-Ball and the soccer. But Ms. Gap and I, we knew early on he's not going to grow up to be David Beckham or Albert Pujols or, for that matter, an NFL linebacker. (If anything, that might be, FWIW, Gaplet the Younger.)

No, what Gaplet the Older really likes to do is to sing, and to dance. He watches movies and plays, and asks us if he can be in the movies someday. It's what he enjoys, and it's what he thinks (at the tender age of 7) that he will do when he's a grownup.

(As an aside, it's hard to know how to best answer him. If being a performer turns out to be what he really wants to do, this town has perhaps the richest source of opportunities on the planet in which to do it. On the other hand, this town is also richly populated with thousands of actors/musicians/performers who make almost all their money waiting tables. But I digress.)

So we've been getting Gaplet involved in various community activities in this area, which he enjoys doing. Ms. Gap recently saw this:

http://www.civiclightopera.com/index_season.jpg

... for which the local Civic Light Opera was holding open casting for kids 8-12. If you remember the old movie musical from the '60s, you'll remember that Oliver! has a group of a dozen or so orphan boys who dance and sing as part of the ensemble in a manner that would probably cause Dickens great pain but which is actually quite enjoyable for the rest of us. The CLO is casting the main roles for the play with professional, equity card-carrying actors but gives a few minor parts for the ensemble of orphans to be filled with local kids.

So, we get Gaplet ready for his audition, comprised of singing a piece in an open audition before the director, producer, and about 80 other people who try out. Ms. Gap and I try to prepare him and help him appreciate that this is an actual, professional production, and not some kid's community theater workshop stuff where you can participate if you pay the enrollment fee, while also trying to not impose ourselves like over-invested stage parents soon to be exposed on a Bravo reality show.

"Good. But remember to smile!"

"No, not like that. That's a grimace. Smile!"

"OK, don't worry about smiling. Let's try again, and remember, project!"

"Nice job. Now, don't stand completely still. You can move a bit."

"No, not like that. Don't flap your arms. Look natural! Oh, c'mon, don't cry. Do you think Lawrence Olivier cried?*"

Etc., etc.

So then there's the audition. About 80 kids come and do their thing. Most are older than Gaplet. Some are quite talented, others aren't. Gaplet's turn comes up, and our hearts stop.

I'm not an actor and don't pretend to be, though I did hang around the theater a bit in college doing Town and Gown stuff. It was fun, in part because I got to learn how theaters worked, and I got to see and appreciate the difference between acting talent and, well, the absence of it. There's something intangible about the ability to capture and maintain an audience's attention, and performers that you enjoy watching have it.

My kid has it.

Gaplet kills. We hear the producer/director/staff commenting to each other about how cute Gaplet is. The director turns and smiles at Ms. Gap during the song. Other parents stop and compliment on how the Gaplet did. Gaplet had a blast simply because he got to sing in front of a bunch of people. We float home.

And wait. The CLO was to call the families whose kids get cast within a week or so. That stretches to 2 weeks, and then the wondering and worrying begins. Idon'tgetitmaybeGapletwastooyoungIheardthatCLOdoescast"old"butc'monhesmiledatus!whatdoesthatmean?wel litwasagoodexperienceforGapletanywaythere'llbeotheropportunities.

We were more anxious about this than Gaplet was. He didn't worry about it, didn't ask about it, far as I can tell didn't think about it after the audition was over.

Then yesterday we got the call.

http://www.civiclightopera.com/olivershow.jpg

I'm letting you know right now that Gaplet will be in this show and he will steal it. You are all invited to come for the holidays and see the best rendition of Oliver! since 1968. You may stay on my couch.

Oh, sure, I can hear you now:

Um, Gattigap, you said that the cast will be filled with professional actors. I don't think the Gaplet will be headlining it.

Headliners, schmedliners. I don't know what youthful looking 34-y-o they've cast in the title role, but he'd better look out. It'll be tough being outshined by a kid in the ensemble of orphans, but them's the breaks.

That's great news for your kid, but aren't you going a bit overboard with this?

No.

Okay. Just don't go all Joe Simpson on us.

Unpossible. Unlike Simpson, my kid has talent.

Gattigap













* That part, to be clear, is a joke. Work with me here, people!

Newsflash
 

That's great, really. Just make sure he stays away from the brownies at the cast party(ies). Or at rehearsal, for that matter.

Newsflash
 

That's awesome! I live close to there. Perhaps I will need to make a trip to see the Gaplet before he becomes A list and tries to procure the wacky weed from Spanky. I presume the Playbill will list him as Gaplet?

Newsflash
 

Good show old chap! Can I say I knew you when y'all show up on the cover of the National Enquirer?

Dance, Billy, Dance!!!!
 

B. Gaplet Elliot



That's cool, Gatti - congrats. Soon you'll be able to quit your job and live off, er...manage his career.

Dance, Billy, Dance!!!!
 

Clearly you don't keep up with the FB -- Gatti works with porn.

Dance, Billy, Dance!!!!
 

Uncool. porn references in relation to children are not funny, although the early Traci Lourds stuff was sort of erotic....well, maybe not erotic so much, but let's just say it got the job done, iykwimaittyd, ww nn.

Dance, Billy, Dance!!!!
 

That would be correct.