Quote:
Originally posted by Fugee
1. There are ways to keep up with an an ex who is a friend that don't involve lying. You could say to the SO "I'm going to have a drink with [ex], it's going to be mostly boring catching up but you are more than welcome to come. We're meeting at [place and time.]" If she knows she can show up, she is less likely to be concerned. And if the ex is truly a friend, why shouldn't she be friends with the current SO, especially if the SO is a spouse, not just the flavor of the month? If there is some reason you wouldn't want the SO to be there, maybe you're not quite so sure it won't be harmless or that you completely want it to be harmless. "Transparency" was the word of 2003 and it's a good thing to keep in mind with relationships you want to remain healthy.
|
Fugee, have you ever met with an ex, much less met with an ex with your SO?
If you're meeting with an ex, you almost always end up talking about the fun things you did when you were together. This is a conversation which, (1) at best, would be extremely uncomfortable to have in front of a current SO, (2) at worst, would be impossible to have in front of the SO, depending on what comes up and (3) you wouldn't want the SO to be imagining you having because she's not there.
Your relationship expertise notwithstanding*, "transparency" does not ensure a healthy relationship and furthermore is not required for one.
Quote:
Originally posted by Fugee
2. There is a big difference between "they don't need to be told" and constructing an elaborate lie involving 3rd parties.
|
Good lord. The lie was one I just made up off the top of my head. I've used some of those techniques in past relationships to get away with anything from out-right cheating to lying about going to a game instead of some dinner party. I will admit those relationships weren't healthy ones. But I still don't believe that if you're meeting an ex to hang out (and not cheat or even want to cheat), it's no big deal to do so without telling your SO.
Quote:
Originally posted by Fugee
3. Sometimes you give up things you have a "right" to do because you love your SO and don't want to risk hurting him or her. As the "Love Chapter" (I Cor. 13, read at many weddings) notes: "[love] is not self-serving" or as another version puts it "[love] isn't always 'me first.'"
|
Preach on. I'd like to lose about a pound and a half and I've only TUIMMALB so far.
Yez. Sometimes you give up things you have a right to do because you're in love. But sometimes you don't. And love isn't always "SO first" either. If you don't have your own separate existence to a certain extent, you WILL burn out.
Quote:
Originally posted by Fugee
I suspect I'm not convincing you. But I do hope your example was merely a hypothetical for intellectual purposes and not something you'd actually do.
|
No, you're not convincing me. The example was made up. But I have no problem with it.
And you know what? If my SO pulled the same stunt and I KNEW for a fact that it was no big deal and she wanted to avoid the many questions I would be asking about their time together, I wouldn't get that upset.
Quote:
Originally posted by Fugee
But this all reminds me that, although it was the prudent thing to not tell my friend's SO about his spending time with the extremely hot woman when he was supposedly away with friends, I shouldn't have been such a chicken and told him I thought he was playing with fire. It's too bad it's so long after the fact that raising it now would be uncomfortable.
|
Would it really? For some reason I doubt that's true.
TM
*And I'll note that you are the one who believes that jewelry should be purchased to address everything from childbirth to neglect.
