And now for something completely the same... [FB]
 

Back to the sex talk...

Carry on.

Sorry, couldn't think of a better name. It was either this or "Mr. Hand's Wild Ride..."

Trying to keep expectations low, are you?

Well the "Wild Ride" is definitely an E-ticket ride, so yeah...

The Truth
 

You can't handle a wild ride!!!!

A contest fit for the FB
 

A parody contest from the Bonny Doon winery. Details

What We Seek
1. Authors should parody a great poem, song, libretto or famous passage from a novel or essay. English only please.

2. All submissions must include references to:
a. At least one Bonny Doon wine (extra kudos for each additional Bonny Doon wine included)
b. A cigar
c. A spaceship

Even more kudos if you work in a reference to “The unfortunate incident with the kilt”

Though entries in excess of 750 words will be considered, they will darken our judges’ highly arbitrary opinion of your submission.

Entry deadline is April 15th – the same day as another rather famous deadline.

Considering all the song parodies penned by FBers, I'm expecting the winning entry to come from this crowd.

Dehhhh-rrrrreccck
 

D-Rays beat Moose twice
Yanks sink but Tigers lossless
World turned upside down.

That is so hot.

God I need to get laid.

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

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Having Elton John's songs as the theme for the evening meant certain doom for the women non-gospel singers and for John Stevens. Say what you want about Sir Elton, but he's got great vocal range.

Fantasia: Love the sound of her voice, but tonight she didn't wow me. In addition, her habit of ending songs with a "yeah yeah yeah yeah" flourish that extends past the ending of the accompaniment is starting to bug.

Jon Peter: This theme was good for him, because sometimes his voice sounds a little Elton-ish. He has a BEAUTIFUL falsetto, which he showed off on the high notes. The problem is, when he tries to belt (in this song, on the line, "I'm a rocket man"), he pushes his voice and tends to go flat. Simon's right, he needs voice lessons (and he's certainly not the only one of the bunch who could benefit).

Jasmine: She has neither the range nor the vocal technique to pull of an Elton song. Missed bad on the low notes, and didn't quite make it all the way up to the high ones. Has absolutely no idea of proper vocal production.

John Stevens: Oy oy oy. Sooooooo bad. His vocals were almost not even there, and he was totally shying away from the mike. He really wants to go home--please don't vote for him any more, so he can go back to being one of the better singers in his high school choir.

Camile: See above on Jasmine about range and vocal technique. So you love Elton John--that doesn't mean you can sing his songs.

George: Now THAT was what I needed. There was nothing about his performance that I didn't like. Boy can this guy sell a song. My favorite of the evening by far.

Diana Degarmo: Range, vocal technique, blah blah blah. You just can't do the "go down and connect with the audience" thing if you're sick and out of shape and it's going to make you out of breath for the actual singing part. I did appreciate how her hair was a little softer, though--normally it's pulled back so tight she looks more Asian than the Filipino girls.

Latoya London: Looked great. Great intensity of emotion. Great song structure. Pushed it right to the limit at the end of the song.

Jennifer Hudson: I was a little iffy on the song arrangement, particularly that key change. However, this woman has a monster voice with a distinctive sound, and she did great tonight. Liked the gold eyeshadow (on Latoya too).

Bottom three should be John Stevens (please put him out of his misery!), Camile and Diana Degarmo. If one of the black chicks is in the bottom three again, I might have to go out and kill some dumb white people.

tm

These guys can help:

http://www.clubdevo.com/mp_redesign/...ions/domes.jpg

Why, of course. What woman can resist Speed Racer?

Plus, I am sure you can come up with some interesting uses for that head gear...

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

Last night proved that the only people who can sing Elton John songs are Elton John and black people. That was seriously craptastic. But Simon's comparison of John's performance to Plan 9 from Outer Space was one of the funniest comments ever made on American Idol.

I voted my fingers off for George and Jennifer. No votes for Fantasia b/c of the stupid-ass "yeah yeah yeah'ing."

tm, I'm sure you will be thrilled to know that during our post-Idol chat last night, Paigow and I came to the same conclusions as you about who the bottom 3 will be. You will be less thrilled that Paigow voted for John Stevens until her fingers bled apparently b/c she hates him and wants him to continue to be tortured for weeks to come.

Dehhhh-rrrrreccck
 

Mussina no good
Brown excels again today
He's our go-to guy

TM

If you don't you might be getting cancer.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,116402,00.html

So I'm thinking, perfect excuse for the complaints about "closed doors with moaning every other afternoon" that come up in my annual review here. "You know, sir, preventative medicine is in everyone's best interest."

But the stupid doc doesn't know when to shut up:

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

I missed many of the performances last night as I got home late, but I have a few thoughts:

George has got to be the favorite to win. He has managed to step up every week and he has just been consistently very good to excellent. Plus, he is the best at working the crowd, though I do wish he quit doing the "crouch" so much.

I have been less enamored with Fantasia each week. I only caught the recap of her performance, but she has begun to hit the "mailing it in" mode. She's probably the most talented singer of all, but I suspect she is starting to believe her hype a bit too much.

Jennifer Hudson is quickly becoming the Kim Locke of this year's competition. She is really starting to come into her own. She's managed to take all of the constructive criticism to improve herself, and is the dark horse of the competition.

Queer Eye
 

I caught a bit of this last night. GREAT transformation of mustachioed and mulleted carpenter. But Carson is looking worse and worse. A perm? Bitch please.

I thought I would add...
 

I did not puke on any clients yesterday, and I feel mildly better today.

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

tm- you need a reality check. first, jon peter is the worst singer of the lot and last night was unbelievably atrocious. I think your religion is blocking your eardrums. and john stevens looked like he was having fun, until the criticism. if anyone neds to be put of their misery, it is me. Get rid of Jon Peter. Mormons should not have phones, Balt was right. And get rid of Fantasia's finish which is almost as annoying as Jasmine's flower.

I expected DIana's performance to be great and it was utter garbage. with a lousy arrangment to boot. Camille blew as did eveyrone who wasnt black. I dont like what LaToya did to my favorite EJ song, but at least she can sing, But Simon was dead on about it being a wedding tune for the first two thirds. Unfortunately she is so lackluster in terms of personality and charisma she has to hold thirty second notes to be impressive, which is strange. George and Jennifer were the best two of the night.

bottom three- John (who wants to keep going but is hoping for something closer to his niche to finally come around and got my many votes bc I fear that his fanbase mighh erode from two consecutive shit perforcmances bc genres didnt suit him)(, Camille and Diana. Camille gone, though JPL and Jasmine belong there (if you can even hear her under all the bakground vocals she gets and only she gets- some producer wants to keep her around).

Queer Eye
 

A perm, indeed. That is so gay.

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

They should do an Elton John show every year . . . it really exploits the weaknesses of the bad singers and allows the good singers the opportunity to show the full range of their talent.

TiVo
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I watched it late last night and John Stevens was so painful I kept hoping someone would put him down mid-song to spare him the continued pain and humiliation. It was just terrible.

Funny how few people booed Simon et al. on their extremely negative comments for at least half of the people. You know you're bad when Paula hates you.

Camille was awful. JPL seems to be able to hear, but at this point, he cannot sing. Jasmine is too often carried along by backing vocals, which conveniently cover when she just cannot hit the notes.

George was the best, but LaToya had my favorite performance. Though she was awful in the beginning, once she hit her stride, she was amazing. She looked great, too.

The Fantasia yeahs are enough to drive me out of her camp. Why oh why does she do it?

AI--Reginald Dwight
 

We all noticed the Fantasia finish and we all hate it. I think its bc Randy keeps saying "Young Aretha" to her. And I hate how she responds to Simon's dead on criticisms, like she ain't hearing that, yo,. Like she is above it all and she already won the competition. A little humble pie might serve this bitch well, Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

and I love te George Huff squat. i plan to bust it out myself on my next trip to Pollyesthers. I love that guy and he seems to be the only lovable nonteenager at this point. it will be interesting to see if Fantasia's attitude loses her the competition to a lovable spirit with talent like George or even a rags to riches story like Crackbaby Hudson (assuming she sounds a little less uneducated and more polished when she speaks) .

Seacrest Out
 

I was beginning to suspect he was the gayest straight man since Niles Crane when he lost the highlights and started acting less flamboyant. I suspect that this gf/fiancee is not a beard. or merkin.

Secret Plans for Ryan Seacrest to Marry?
Reps for the "American Idol" host are mum on reports that he's
quietly engaged

Queer Eye
 

You mean all those chicks were LESBIANS in the 80s?

Online Pharmacies
 

So, I went to an online pharmacy(for people) to order Naproxen for one of my horses (was a third of the price from the vet), but I had to fill out one of those pseudo medical examination forms and I jsut filled it out in a way that would suggest it's for me.....has anyone ordered drugs online? Am I going to get hauled off to jail? I know the FDA is really cracking down on online pharmacies...but certainly Naproxen isn't like ordering hillbilly heroin without a prescription, right kids?


Sunny(goodytwoshoes)Bunny

Online Pharmacies
 

Can't you get a written prescription for the horse from the vet, and send that to the online pharmacy? I order human thyroid medicine for my cat at drugstore.com; and had the vet fax the scrip to them (you can also mail it, but you can't fax it yourself). I use his name in the patient information section, and my name in the billing section.

Online Pharmacies
 

Because that's what a reasonable, rational person who didn't have the brain of a ten-year-old would do, silly...

Online Pharmacies
 

Yes, but I only reached this rational point after learning the very painful lesson that a cat should not have his own credit card and unlimited broadband internet access, especially not when his owner is in the midst of the government security clearance process.

Online Pharmacies
 

My, someone has her cranky-pants on today (pulled up over her long, luscious legs and ass, of course).

Online Pharmacies
 

Thanks. I just won $20.

Online Pharmacies
 

Glad to help. Plus, it'll probably piss Thurgreed off.

Dehhhh-rrrrreccck
 

TM, one pitcher
does not a rotation make.
Boss gnashes his teeth.

Online Pharmacies
 

What was the over/under?

TM

Online Pharmacies
 

Interestingly enough, horse vets are VERY stingy with their prescription writing. They like to be their own pharmacy and make lots of money on drug mark ups....One vet I sued to use would charge 25$/scrip just to write one if you didn't by the drugs from her...so annoying. Because horse vets are mobile and don't make as much money as the small animals vets (can't see as many patients in a day) they somehow feel justified in large mark ups on drugs that the horses need. I did just call my vet's office and I believe wrangle a prescription out of her, but when she was out the other day (for the horses' spring shots) I asked her to write a prescription and she said "no, no, i'll just get it for you" when I called back now and said "if you can give me the bottle you normally sell me for 180$ for the 34$ I can get it at drugstore.com, I'll gladly get it from you" her assistant said she'd see what she could do. It's not worth the headache...and my experience has been (I currently use three different horse vets/based on their different geographic locations) that you save the begging for the really expensive prescriptions, or blackmail the small animal vet who takes care of your 6 dogs and 4 cats to get it for you. Such a conflict of interest, but oh well.


Sunny(my luxury hobby is driving me to the poor house)Bunny

Dehhhh-rrrrreccck
 

How do you get there?
Ready to throw in towel?
Don't think so, homie

TM

Paging bilmore and other oldtimers
 

I need to buy a Spinners album bc that commercial with rubberband man has that song going through my head nonstop (great song). what album shoudl I get?

And now for something completely the same... [FB]
 

Re BL's condom question, one thing that hasn't yet been mentioned is that condoms sometimes add to a "insufficient lubrication" problem. If you're not hard-enough for long-enough, then the time it takes a girl to get lubed up can reverse the blood flow. The obvious solution is to a) get her really turned on, or b) buy some lube.

And before the wisecracks start about my lack of technique, maybe y'all are just too small to have experienced this problem. BCS knows what I'm talkin about.

Dehhhh-rrrrreccck
 

When was the last time
Starter's record 0 and 2
after just 3 games?

Queer Eye
 

On men, my friend, on men.

Case in point:

http://www.daklar.com/images/Guest%2...obertRs101.JPG

Both literally and non-literally gay, in this particular case.

And now for something completely the same... [FB]
 

RP mentioned "Mentor" condoms in response to my comment about "condoms marketed to women." Mentors are not a good example of that, I believe. The applicator thing is annoying, but the condom itself is really quite good -- ultra-thin and sensitive.

Women-condoms feel like a Mentor with the applicator still on.