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Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
I have no respect for people with virtually infinite trust funds who still work. They're missing the point. I want a trust fund SO I CAN SIT ON MY ASS...
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On Friday, after a particularly tough week, I consoled myself on the drive home by redrafting my Lottery Winner Press Conference Speech. This is the speech I will give to the press upon winning >$35MM in the California lottery. I redraft it about once a year.
Atticus: I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here. [Wait for laughter.] I am pleased to announce my candidacy for the Republican Party's nomination to the United States Senate for the great state of California. [Wait for nervous laughter.] It is every self-made millionaire's duty to run for the GOP nomination; we call it the White Man's Burden. [Wait for roar of laughter.] I would be pleased to answer any questions you have for me, excepting my home address and telephone number.
AP reporter: I'm with the AP. What are you going to do with all of that fucking money?
Atticus: There are a couple of charitable causes I'd like to address first. For example, I am proud to finally be able to assist the worldwide cause of ferret legalization. I will not rest until we have enslaved every living ferret under the dominion of a fat and creepy human overlord.
BBC reporter: I'm extremely turned on by you right now, but duty compels me to ask: are you going to continue to work?
Atticus: God has blessed me with freedom from toil. It would be a slap in the face to reject that gift. However, my keen sense of noblesse oblige directs me to teach in inner city schools. Sure, it will be a lot of hard work on behalf of my fellow man. There is a long and honorable history of the rich undertaking society's most thankless tasks. Fortunately, I'll be able to get to and from work in a really fucking sweet car. I urge any inner city school with secured, covered parking to contact me to discuss terms. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date to bang a model on a pile of cash.
