TM,
I thought I should post this for you in the spirit of our discussion regarding to tell or not to tell:
Cary Tennis's (hi Atticus!) column today:
Quote:
Dear Cary,
I recently discovered that my husband has tried to contact some of his old lovers via e-mail. I've hesitated to bring this up to him, as I was technically snooping when I discovered this. I also recognize that it could be very innocent. I feel hurt that he has kept this from me. Why not talk openly about his desire to touch bases with old flames? If one's intentions are honorable, then it doesn't have to be a threatening situation.
While I've been tempted (through idle curiosity) to Google old loves, I've never taken the next step of actually contacting them, mainly because it always seemed like broadcasting the message "Hey you, I'm thinking about you now, and that means that I'm not really happy in my current relationship, because if I were totally satisfied then I wouldn't be reaching out to you."
Is this a sign that he is dissatisfied and unhappy in our relationship? I know that we are both dissatisfied and unhappy in our lives -- he's been struggling with a career change for four years, and I've increasingly gained weight. We're making significantly less money then we made two years ago, and are overwhelmed by credit card debt. We both feel like failures in very gender-specific areas.
I've recently been whitewater kayaking on the weekends, which inspires me, but also takes me away from him for two days at a time. He's responded by going out to bars alone on the weekends that I am gone. He's always been a voyeur, enjoying going out and people-watching and writing about it. So I've chosen not be threatened by that behavior, although it does strike me as an interesting way to react to his wife leaving him alone.
Despite all of this, we do have a lot of love for each other, and are able to connect in very meaningful ways. We both value closeness and loyalty.
Is his attempt to connect with old flames a red flag? Should I be concerned that he is heading off into dangerous territory? I know that I should be asking him about this, but we have had similar conversations, with him becoming extremely defensive. I want some other perspectives before I attempt to discuss this with him.
Worried Wife
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His answer was basically that they should be confronting their problems together instead of doing so separately. He sidestepped the "should I be worried about the secret correspondence" part of the question.
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/20...ues/index.html
Anyone have some different advice?
