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[Tyrone Slothrop]

Something Awful has some fine commentary on last night's debate:

• Dick Cheney, in a strange move, began the debate by demanding fifteen minutes of silence for the late Rodney Dangerfield. This delayed things, especially when John Edwards argued it was a bad move. Cheney called Edwards disrespectful and went ahead with his fifteen minutes of silence alone.
  
• Edwards started off heavy by removing his shirt and asking Cheney to "oil him up." When Cheney refused, Edwards called him a "tease." Edwards, in a candid move, then recited the sacred Green Lantern Oath while bare-chested:
  
  In brightest day, in darkest night,
  No evil shall escape my sight.
  Let those who worship evil's might,
  Beware my power....Green Lantern's Light!
  
• While Edwards went through the debate not wearing a shirt, Cheney wore a T-shirt with a tuxedo design printed on it. He repeatedly juggled oranges and bit his lip when asked difficult questions.
  
• When the discussion turned to homosexual marriage, Edwards snapped a VHS tape out of his jacket. "This video cassette," he said, "contains footage of Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter having lesbian sex. I think the American people have the right to see this video, and I brought a VCR with me." Cheney successfully "yoinked" the video away as a frustrated Edwards struggled to properly hook the RCA cables to the VCR.
  
• Cheney, attempting to prove Edwards incapable of defending this country, shocked everyone with a startling revelation. "How do I know John Edwards can't defend our country?" asked Cheney. "Because I abducted him from his home when he was a child and threw him down a flight of stairs, obviously causing permanent brain damage." Cheney cracked his knuckles and added, "and I could do it again." Edwards was left in tears.
  
• On numerous occasions, Edwards mistakenly referred to the moderator as "your honor" and Dick Cheney as "the defendant." On the flipside, Dick Cheney repeatedly invoked the name "Adolf Saddam bin Laden Noriega" in a possibly calculated attempt to spark fear in the hearts of cowardly Americans and further link bin Laden with Hussein and other evil men.
  
• Cheney lost some credibility by countering Halliburton accusations with, "the nonpartisan website Sexbarn.org has all the information discrediting those rumors." Actually, Sexbarn.org turned partisan about the same time they added the alpaca gallery and video section.
  
• Edwards did not hesitate to bring up Halliburton at every opportunity. Cheney finally countered by giving Edwards a coupon book offering valuable discounts on Halliburton brand merchandise.
  
• Both candidates struggled with Gwen's question, "if you could be any flavor of ice cream in the whole wide world, what flavor would you be?"
  
• Cheney began multiple rebuttals with, "I don't know where to begin." While he was attempting to convey that he was overwhelmed by inaccuracies, it came off sounding more desperate. Edwards preferred to start his rebuttals with, "the reason for that burning flesh smell is that my opponent is ablaze in the flames of his own filthy lies."
  
• In an effort to prove how strong he was, Cheney injected a syringe full of heroin into his heart. He finished the debate spitting and oozing blood from of his mouth.
  
• When told not to mention John Kerry's name in his response, Edwards mentioned it twice. Legend has it that if you say John Kerry's name three times, he will appear and kill you with his hook hand. Gwen scolded Edwards for trying to invoke evil spirits.
  
• In his closing statement, Edwards thanked Gwen and the vice president. In Cheney's closing statement, he thanked Gwen and snubbed Edwards. This showing of contempt had an obvious effect on Edwards, who was visibly shaken. For the first time he learned just how hallow politics truly were and undoubtedly lost all faith in American democracy.
  
  Meanwhile, in a remote cabin, Peter Camejo declared himself the winner of a debate he had with two effigies he built in his garage.