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Secession
IF it hasn't been posted:
Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided
that we can't live in the United States anymore, because so many
of you in the "heartland" are so full of shit. We were all going
to move to various other countries, but then we thought - why
should WE move?
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will
Determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We
are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to
the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the only
thing we could.
We seceded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous.
The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American
Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you.
Sure, you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.
I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can
fucking have most of them, because we're taking downtown and
midtown Manhattan back, turning the whole thing into a giant
artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think
tanks. Wall Street and other financial institutions will be
relocated to Charlotte, which we believe will suit your needs
better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a
terrorist target for your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in
American Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with any countries we want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown. We believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006. Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything beautiful. Yes, we're taking all the funny people too. All the sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen.
You should have treated them better when you had them.
We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no
longer From your United States of America. I belong to American
Coastopia, the United States of My Friends, the Nation of Two: my wife and I. We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry,
come to us. In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the
hazelnut lattés are always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one of you.
__________________
Boogers!
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