My favorites:
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic,
tequila makes you felonious.
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
My best friend, whom I have know since high school, owns a bar and has tended bar at a number of places over the years I've known him. One night, shortly before the bar closed, and things were clearing out, one of the patrons (a regular) decided to lay down on floor of the bar, where he eventually passed out. When my friend went to lock up, he noticed him laying on the floor. He checked on him. He then went behind the bar and found a piece of chalk, and drew a chalk outline around the guy.
Closing usually took an hour or two after everybody left for the night, so my friend finished up, called the guy a cab, and then woke him when it arrived. The guy woke up, with chalk smudges on the side of his face and in his hair, and left.
The next night, when everybody came in, the chalk outline was still on the floor. Everybody who knew what went on the night before was very carefully stepping around it, to show respect for the "dead". Those who didn't asked a lot of questions. The poor sap who passed out still takes a lot of ribbing for that episode.
