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[taxwonk]

Originally posted by mmm3587
I could post this as anon, but I'm anon anyway, and I figure that everybody will get off on making fun of me. TM, please at least do some good mentor jokes this time. RP, please find good ways to point out how much of a troll I am. That's cool, but I'm also looking for advice, since I'm sure others have dealt with these kinds of situations.

Anyway, I have been dating someone for the past several months, and we are getting a little more serious. Many aspects of the relationship are really great: she's really fun to be around, very intelligent, very attractive, the sex is great, all our friends like each other, etc.

There are a few problems, though: she is very irresponsible about money and still has massive debt from college and grad school (lawyer-style debt, and she doesn't and probably never will make anywhere near enough money to pay it off quickly), she has all kinds of mental illness in her family and all kinds of crazy stuff in her past and she takes a truly impressive amount of (legitimately prescribed) prescription drugs. She also tends to occasionally drink to absolute drunkedness to the point where she gets lost somewhere in a club or a party and I won't see her for hours because she was off somewhere without a concern in the world.

I'm trying to decide whether I should just run from this relationship before it gets any more serious, or stick it out to see where things go. I really enjoy her company and the relationship, and like her as a person, but I'm worried that those things will fade, and I'll be involved with a drunk junkie with a fucked up family history and massive debt.

I'm not really a believer in the abiity to change a person in a relationship, and the brief discussions about the booze, the pills and occasional coke for her own good have NOT been well-received. I like all that fun stuff, too, but you really have to be careful with the latter two to avoid, well, royally fucking up your life, and I'm concerned that she is or will be pretty close to the line.

It's also a little bit selfish, but I can't help but see that, centris paribus, getting involved with her longterm carries with it a six figure price tag because of her debt and low income. I've got enough ways that I am locked into being a Biglaw lawyer; I don't need any more. I guess that is selfish, but it's certainly relevant.

I think staying with her over all these issues would be the textbook defintion of enabling, even if I (probably) love her. So, I think I am out, but I guess I'm looking for thoughts and advice about these sorts of things. Everyone I know has an opinion, but I thought some of the comments here would be more objective and snipey, which is always fun. Enough people around here seem to be separate, divorced, married or whatever that the different perspectives might be useful, I thought. Jokes are fine, too.

If you're over 30, the days when you can get away with regular, heavy drug and alcohol abuse and have it written off as good clean fun are behind you (and her). If you've broached the subject and she's gotten defensive and hostile, then you're staring a problem in the face that will get worse long before it gets better. Let her know that if she straightens up, you'll be there to help her through it. But if she doesn't, then flee.

There are few things worse than being married to a drunk or an addict.