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[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by Not Bob
Pete Fucking Seeger

• REGARDING PETE SEEGER'S REQUESTS FOR A HAMMER AND HIS DESCRIPTIONS OF WHAT HE WOULD DO IF HE HAD ONE.
  - - - -
  
  Dear Mr. Seeger,
  
  We regret to inform you that we have declined your application for $25 to be used in the purchase of a hammer. We approve loans that make good sense for all parties involved, loans that are investments in the potential profitability of the recipient's enterprise. This, in turn, ensures repayment of the initial capital. While $25 might seem an insignificant sum to a bank of our size, we could not approve it, largely because we frankly just didn't understand the request. Seriously, long after we dismissed the application, we were still trying to figure out what you were talking about. It haunts us, to be honest.
  
  You say that with your proposed new hammer, you'd hammer in both the morning and the evening and that you would do so all over this land. (You're going to need to raise additional capital for that travel, by the way. Has that ever crossed your mind?) But the real head-scratcher is this proposed security implementation. How would you hammer out danger? Or warning? Wouldn't it just be a loud whack whack whack? How would anyone anywhere understand that as a security alert? I mean, are we missing something?
  
  Again, all we have to go on is your loan application here. You should type those, by the way.
  
  As for establishing some sort of sibling harmony with a hammer, we just ... we don't know what to say about that one. Some of us have been staring at the words on the page there for a while. We were here until, like, 9:30 last night. And you should know that there has been a spirited and still ongoing debate about alerting the authorities, since establishing love between your brothers and your sisters with a ... hammer?! ... has many of us very nervous.
  
  Again, we're sorry we could not help. Thanks for the enclosed picture of you in a turtleneck holding an acoustic guitar. Although that weirded us out a little, too.
  
  Sincerely,
  
  P. Yarrow
  First Commerce Bank

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/4/3moe.html