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[Tyrone Slothrop]

About four years ago, my father forwarded me an e-mail that was making the rounds among historians of the Cold War. It had originally been sent to Yale professor John Gaddis.

• Dear Prof. Gaddis,
  
  My name is Gabe Kaplan. If you're not familiar with me, I am a Russian-born American actor and history buff. For the last ten years, I’ve been free to pursue my hobby of researching life in Russia during the Stalin era. As an expert in 20th century Russian political history, I am hoping you can help me out.
  
  There is one area of Stalin's character that is either largely unknown or purposely ignored by historians and biographers. Now that it's the fiftieth anniversary of his death, I feel it should come out (if, of course, it's true). Before I begin, let me tell you that I have personally confirmed this story by talking to one actual eyewitnesses, the offspring of actual eyewitnesses, and people who just heard it through the grapevine.
  
  It seems Joseph Stalin was a practitioner of genital origami, the ancient art of manipulating one’s genitals into familiar shapes and figures. Not only could he do the classic seven positions, he pushed way beyond that and took his passion to heights only achieved by 19th century Chinese masters. In 1946 he created his masterpiece when he twisted his package into a flock of geese migrating over the Kamchatka peninsula.
  
  I have heard his remarkable gift was, at first, completely unappreciated by everyone in the Kremlin. However, with time, they actually looked forward to these performances and their applause and excitement was genuine. Even Beria became completely intrigued with the dicktator’s hobby. Please let me know what knowledge you have of this curious aspect of Stalin’s personality.
  
  Let’s share information,
  
  Gabe Kaplan

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