Quote:
Originally posted by leagleaze
From unfortunately recent experience, I will say to you the man is in shock and denial. Especially if it was sudden. Leave him be for now.
If you can find out for sure that she has passed and you want to do something, send a nice note. If he wants to read it, he will. If not he won't.
People mean well when they call, but really, it's awful. For the first few days you don't have the energy to talk to anyone, except maybe very close friends and family. There is a lot to do, and the smallest task seems to take all of your energy.
I found the phone calls horrible, the cards only a little less so. I still haven't opened almost all of them. I don't know if I ever will. I can't tell you when it is appropriate to call. I can tell you after two months it still isn't great for me when people call or stop me to talk about it.
And if you really do feel the need to call him despite what I say, just call to say I'm very sorry. Don't attempt to get into a give and take conversation unless he initiates it. Don't ask what happened. How old was she. Was it sudden. Just say if you need to talk, I'm here and get off the phone.
That will be a mercy for him.
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Not to say that all things Tribal are the best, but I really do think that the "Jewish Way" in dealing with death and mourning is very healthy and considerate. The basics are:
1. Don't send a note; don't send flowers -- go to the mourner's home. And bring food (real food, not dessert -- the theory being mourners don't have the energy to prepare food themselves).
2. Do not talk about the deceased unless the mourner does. Let the mourner be the one to initiate discussions about the deceased. Your presence is enough -- that is what brings whatever comfort there is to be had.
3. When you do talk about the deceased, talk about the things you remember about him/her and what a great person s/he was -- not details about the death. And certainly not "it was for the best" or inconsiderate comments of that nature.
There are many, many customs that could be (and, in fact, are) the subject of lengthy books -- but these basics always seemed to me to make sense, and from leagle's experience, sounds like they make good sense.
