Quote:
Originally Posted by Pretty Little Flower
Is shit getting weirder? I fucking texted my wife from the grocery store to ask whether I should buy toilet paper or whether that would be considered unethical hoarding. I’m having to get spousal guidance for the significant moral decisions of my life, which involve the potential purchase of some sorry ass four-pack of Happy Nature Tree Lover toilet paper, which looks like shriveled rolls of papier-mâché. Weirder than that? Fuck your toilet paper hoarding. You know what I’m hoarding now? Cristal. Dozens and dozens and dozens of cases of high end Cristal. I know what you’re thinking. “That’s not very prudent. Toilet paper seems like a much more practical purchase.” Because you’re a motherfucking asshole. I don’t need your fucking toilet paper worries crashing my high. Because I don’t need your fucking toilet paper. Because I have an unending Cristal bidet. I know what you’re thinking. “That seems unhygienic and sticky.” Well guess what motherfucker. If you’re rolling in Cristal while all the rest of the clean-assed motherfuckers have run out of booze altogether and are trying to get a buzz off some old Kombucha they found in the basement, you’re going to have to get used to things getting sticky.
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A million years ago, when I met the woman who was to become my wife, her best friend was a gay man. One drunk night he and his friends admitted that they felt ass wiping after a shit was mostly just wiping shit around. I felt the lesson was why bother even wiping. But I believe they felt one should shower after a shit. Now I run, and shit during the run, and I “wipe” when I shower. Their lesson to wash after shitting, still a good one.
But point is no one needs toilet paper really.
