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[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally Posted by Pretty Little Flower

Is shit getting weirder? I fucking texted my wife from the grocery store to ask whether I should buy toilet paper or whether that would be considered unethical hoarding. I’m having to get spousal guidance for the significant moral decisions of my life, which involve the potential purchase of some sorry ass four-pack of Happy Nature Tree Lover toilet paper, which looks like shriveled rolls of papier-mâché. Weirder than that? Fuck your toilet paper hoarding. You know what I’m hoarding now? Cristal. Dozens and dozens and dozens of cases of high end Cristal. I know what you’re thinking. “That’s not very prudent. Toilet paper seems like a much more practical purchase.” Because you’re a motherfucking asshole. I don’t need your fucking toilet paper worries crashing my high. Because I don’t need your fucking toilet paper. Because I have an unending Cristal bidet. I know what you’re thinking. “That seems unhygienic and sticky.” Well guess what motherfucker. If you’re rolling in Cristal while all the rest of the clean-assed motherfuckers have run out of booze altogether and are trying to get a buzz off some old Kombucha they found in the basement, you’re going to have to get used to things getting sticky.

If you had listened to me and ordered commercial supply from Quill.com, you could have received your spousal guidance in significant moral decisions in the privacy of your own home, rather than texting from a grocery store.