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Bored Board Poll
To avoid the "you can't criticize the classics" argument, I've stuck to things with some modern currency.
1. Food? Bagels. When I was a kid we would spread things on toast. We didn't complain about how the toast really should be made chewier. Runner up: organ meats. The lower classes used to eat this shit when it was a sin not to use the whole animal. Since nobody believes in sin anymore, I'm done with it.
2. Actor? Nick Nolte. The record will note that I was kicking this dog long before he was down. Runner up: Geoffrey Rush. Hey, I liked "Shine." But he owes me a fucking apology for "Quills."
3. Music act? Avril Lavigne. You'd have to be a twelve year old girl to think that she's really rebelling against the music industry. Lifetime achievement award goes to Madonna. Ditto.
4. Law firm? The U.S. Attorney's Office. Sure, you get to try a lot of cases. I mean, take a lot of pleas. But try living on $68K. And here's a hint: everybody else in the office is planning to run for Congress, too, so don't go out drinking and whoring with them, because they will fuck you in the primary.
5. Occupation? Musician. Yeah, there's a more obvious answer, but musician has a much higher misery-to-success ratio than attorney. On the other hand, you usually don't wind up paying retail for weed.
6. Movie? Spider-Man. The only things with any hint of real humanity in that movie were Kirsten Dunst's nipples. And they were probably CGI, too. So why was this a blockbuster, again?
7. Song? "Melt With You." Who the fuck decided that was the song from the '80s repeatedly to put on radio in 2003? 'Cause I must have lost the ballot sheet. Runner up: A Sorta Fairytale. I am sick to fucking death of that song.
8. TV show? Sex and the City. Ran out of ideas midway through season three. People were still talking about it only because they wanted to feel good about having gotten HBO to see it.
9. Clothing? Hats. Hey, I miss them, too. I also miss my grandmother, but I'm not going to go dig her up to see if I still like her fried chicken.
10. Sex? None. If you press me on it, I'll say stripping. It only works if you've never seen the person naked before, and if you're at that stage, you'd really rather be sweaty and in an alley and behind a dumpster in bad light, which isn't conducive to the stripping to begin with.
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