A Black Hole of Happiness

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by greatwhitenorthchick
Hmm. My separation and divorce were, relatively speaking, such non-events, that I don't even remember how I spent my anniversary. I think I probably forgot it (par for the course during my marriage, so nothing really changed).

However, if hers is a little more meaningful, I would try to distract her as much as possible doing non-anniversary-type things. No dinners, no activities where you have to sit around and there is time for contemplation (i.e., no sitting on a beach). Anything that she likes to do that is active and distracting is good. Shopping, anything athletic, anything involving walking around etc.

I had an anniversary during the period that I was waiting for the divorce to be final. I remember it vaguely pissing me off because I was anxious for the process to be over. The day itself was just another day to me though. Maybe a girlfriend or two took me out for pre-celebritory drinks. So even though I tell people I was married 5 years, technically I was married for 6.

By the next year, I didn't even note the day passing.

[Replaced_Texan]

As hopefully all of ya'll know, my friend Allyson's first book is coming out in a few weeks. Barnes and Noble wanted to put it on their tables, so they're getting the first copies in about four weeks. It'll be available every where else in six.

Anyhow, Allyson wrote a blog post last night that sort of lays out the entire process (for her, anyway) of how the book came into being on the publishing end.

In other book news, a person from the class ahead of mine in high school is also releasing her first book this summer. I've heard that it's supposed to be spectacular.

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by Sparklehorse
I have a question for all the board denizens who have been through divorces. A close friend is in the process of getting a divorce and her wedding anniversary is coming up in the next few weeks. What's a good way for her to get through the day?

Apologies to the keepers of snark if this is too nicey-nice.

Screw someone else.

On an unrelated note, can you post a photo of her? Thanks.

TM

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by greatwhitenorthchick
Hmm. My separation and divorce were, relatively speaking, such non-events, that I don't even remember how I spent my anniversary. I think I probably forgot it (par for the course during my marriage, so nothing really changed).

However, if hers is a little more meaningful, I would try to distract her as much as possible doing non-anniversary-type things. No dinners, no activities where you have to sit around and there is time for contemplation (i.e., no sitting on a beach). Anything that she likes to do that is active and distracting is good. Shopping, anything athletic, anything involving walking around etc.

Read: Punch her in the face and then break her ribs.

TM

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by Sparklehorse
I have a question for all the board denizens who have been through divorces. A close friend is in the process of getting a divorce and her wedding anniversary is coming up in the next few weeks. What's a good way for her to get through the day?

Apologies to the keepers of snark if this is too nicey-nice.

I am asking a highly sensitive friend for advice. I would say see if she wants to see a movie or something. She may want to see something that will let her just cry her little heart out, or she may want to see e.g. Die The Hardest You Ever Have. I am sometimes kind of a fan of not being alone, but not having to put a lot of energy into interacting with others, especially if I'm kind of sad.

ETA stuff from other person:

That's a tough one. I was the instigator but it was still a sad thing. I truly, truly believe there's a bit of sadness for everyone about this. No matter how angry you are at the person, you loved them once, and even if you don't feel bad for/about them, you mourn the loss of that feeling/optimism that you had when you married them. Or at the very least the anniversary is tough because you're kicking yourself for making the biggest mistake of your life (or somewhere in the top ten).

The good news is, I'm sure I thought about this the first time... pretty sure, at least... but I'm also pretty sure I never thought about it again.

My advice would be simple: ask the friend what they'd like to do. I'd think it would be a very personal decision, but the friend would be grateful to have that kind of thoughtful support. I wouldn't worry about reminding them of it. Even on the off chance they'd forgotten their anniversary was coming up, they haven't forgotten they're getting (or have just gotten) a divorce.

If the close friend was not the instigator, I would expect way more sadness. But my advice would probably be the same.



I'm kind of surprised she never thought about it again. Dammit, I took a lot of trouble helping arrange that spur-of-the-moment, no-support-from-any-family-members, at-the-court-clerk-office wedding! I made sure she had flowers, since she was getting married whether any of us liked it or not!!!!!

[ABBAKiss]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
you're kicking yourself for making the biggest mistake of your life

Do most people think of divorce as an indicator that a mistake was made, either in the getting married or in the getting divorced?

I do not think I made a mistake when I married Mr. Kiss and I do not think I made a mistake when I divorced him. At all! I think I did the right things at the right times. Just because five years later we were not the same people we were when we tied the knot does not mean the marriage was a mistake to begin with, in my mind.

But seriously, do most people view a failed relationship as a mistake? I really never have.

[ABBAKiss]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
I am sometimes kind of a fan of not being alone, but not having to put a lot of energy into interacting with others, especially if I'm kind of sad.

2.

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by ABBAKiss
Do most people think of divorce as an indicator that a mistake was made, either in the getting married or in the getting divorced?

I do not think I made a mistake when I married Mr. Kiss and I do not think I made a mistake when I divorced him. At all! I think I did the right things at the right times. Just because five years later we were not the same people we were when we tied the knot does not mean the marriage was a mistake to begin with, in my mind.

But seriously, do most people view a failed relationship as a mistake? I really never have.

That comment struck me as well. I don't think of my marriage as a mistake at all. It was actually pretty fun. We just evolved differently.

I don't really think of any failed relationship as a mistake. It met a need at the time.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
she may want to see e.g. Die The Hardest You Ever Have

Boy howdy, does that movie look like it will suck. Ms. Slothrop, who has never encountered an airing of any of the Die Hard series that she is unwilling to watch, again, and who says that the original is one of her favorite Christmas movies, agrees.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally posted by greatwhitenorthchick
That comment struck me as well. I don't think of my marriage as a mistake at all. It was actually pretty fun. We just evolved differently.

I don't really think of any failed relationship as a mistake. It met a need at the time.

I think that if you and ABBA did not consider your marriages to be mistakes, you would refer to them as "relationships that ran their courses" and not "failed relationships.'

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally posted by ABBAKiss
Do most people think of divorce as an indicator that a mistake was made, either in the getting married or in the getting divorced?

I do not think I made a mistake when I married Mr. Kiss and I do not think I made a mistake when I divorced him. At all! I think I did the right things at the right times. Just because five years later we were not the same people we were when we tied the knot does not mean the marriage was a mistake to begin with, in my mind.

But seriously, do most people view a failed relationship as a mistake? I really never have.

I wince when I think of one failed relationship, not because getting into it or ending it was a mistake, but because I let it drag on too long.

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by Tyrone Slothrop
Boy howdy, does that movie look like it will suck. Ms. Slothrop, who has never encountered an airing of any of the Die Hard series that she is unwilling to watch, again, and who says that the original is one of her favorite Christmas movies, agrees.

A couple of years ago when I saw Bruce Willis in a bar and he looked like a little gnome, I stopped ever wanting to see him in a movie again (although I still love Die Hard -- the first one).

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by Pretty Little Flower
I think that if you and ABBA did not consider your marriages to be mistakes, you would refer to them as "relationships that ran their courses" and not "failed relationships.'

If you received a wedgie today, that would not be a mistake.

[ABBAKiss]

Originally posted by Pretty Little Flower
I think that if you and ABBA did not consider your marriages to be mistakes, you would refer to them as "relationships that ran their courses" and not "failed relationships.'

Your thinking is wrong then.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally posted by ABBAKiss
Your thinking is wrong then.

Don't get me wrong. I agree with your stated proposition that a marriage that ends in divorce is not necessarily a mistake. I just wished you believed it too.