Fashionistas you have arrived 3-25-03 - 10-3-03

[evenodds]

Originally posted by leagleaze
gratuitous Tyson Beckford shot

Thanks for that. Now if you really loved me, you'd post Jason Taylor.

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by ias_39
No, wholly inscrutable. If you were talking about one of the Cohen brothers, understandable, but this, does not a bit of sense make.

It's makes sense when you consider he's probably had about 1000 more sex partners than you, punk.

[leagleaze]

Originally posted by evenodds
Thanks for that. Now if you really loved me, you'd post Jason Taylor.

How could you ever doubt I love you?







But wait, there's more!

[dtb]

Originally posted by leagleaze
From unfortunately recent experience, I will say to you the man is in shock and denial. Especially if it was sudden. Leave him be for now.

If you can find out for sure that she has passed and you want to do something, send a nice note. If he wants to read it, he will. If not he won't.

People mean well when they call, but really, it's awful. For the first few days you don't have the energy to talk to anyone, except maybe very close friends and family. There is a lot to do, and the smallest task seems to take all of your energy.

I found the phone calls horrible, the cards only a little less so. I still haven't opened almost all of them. I don't know if I ever will. I can't tell you when it is appropriate to call. I can tell you after two months it still isn't great for me when people call or stop me to talk about it.

And if you really do feel the need to call him despite what I say, just call to say I'm very sorry. Don't attempt to get into a give and take conversation unless he initiates it. Don't ask what happened. How old was she. Was it sudden. Just say if you need to talk, I'm here and get off the phone.

That will be a mercy for him.

Not to say that all things Tribal are the best, but I really do think that the "Jewish Way" in dealing with death and mourning is very healthy and considerate. The basics are:

1. Don't send a note; don't send flowers -- go to the mourner's home. And bring food (real food, not dessert -- the theory being mourners don't have the energy to prepare food themselves).

2. Do not talk about the deceased unless the mourner does. Let the mourner be the one to initiate discussions about the deceased. Your presence is enough -- that is what brings whatever comfort there is to be had.

3. When you do talk about the deceased, talk about the things you remember about him/her and what a great person s/he was -- not details about the death. And certainly not "it was for the best" or inconsiderate comments of that nature.


There are many, many customs that could be (and, in fact, are) the subject of lengthy books -- but these basics always seemed to me to make sense, and from leagle's experience, sounds like they make good sense.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by ias_39
No, wholly inscrutable. If you were talking about one of the Cohen brothers, understandable, but this, does not a bit of sense make.

Naw, Leonard C had his own presence that grabbed a lot of people that way. Not a looks thing at all - but something.

[evenodds]

Originally posted by leagleaze
How could you ever doubt I love you?

Sigh.

Yeah, I'll get work done before heading out to ACL.

Even(three days of dirt, sun, and really great music)Odds

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by bilmore
Naw, Leonard C had his own presence that grabbed a lot of people that way. Not a looks thing at all - but something.

I am sure you are correct. Now can you and Ty go discuss some Josh Marshall or something on the PB? I'm tired of seeing my moniker in the Last Post column.

[purse junkie]

Originally posted by leagleaze
(excellent advice)

Seconded. I wouldn't call at all at first--you're just bone-deep exhausted but you feel compelled by people's kindness not to brush them off even if you need to for yourself.

But don't worry about how he will judge your response or lack of it. He knows you're there.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
I am sure you are correct. Now can you and Ty go discuss some Josh Marshall or something on the PB? I'm tired of seeing my moniker in the Last Post column.

Perhaps a deal could be worked out for someone posting about trips on the vacations board. WTF? Do none of you take vacations?!

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by leagleaze
From unfortunately recent experience, I will say to you the man is in shock and denial. Especially if it was sudden. Leave him be for now.

{.........lots of very sound advice.........}

That will be a mercy for him.

I agree with all the Leagl has said with 2 exceptions:
1) EXCEPT if he is very close or very long-time friend
and if either of those is the case then
2) EXCEPT if the family is nearby.

If he is a very close or very long-time friend, and he is likely to be mourning nearby, I believe it is entirely apprporiate to call, offer to stop by, or in the alternative, show up bearing food and company.

In those first mind-numbing days for me, I didn't much want to talk on the phone, didn't really want to cope with anything at all, but I appreciated not being left alone and I appreciated people who just materialized to take care of me. I was especially glad to have people nearby to talk with who knew my lost loved one, and who were willing to talk about her with me. I felt less alone knowing that others felt the void her death had made, and while I cried a lot in those days, mostly I cried remembering her with other people... I may not have noticed if my dear friends hadn't made the pilgrimage to help me through it, but I certainly noticed that they HAD.

If you are not that kind of friend, send a note...and be there in wahtever capacity when the phone does ring.

Bn'B

[bilmore]

Originally posted by purse junkie
Seconded. I wouldn't call at all at first--you're just bone-deep exhausted but you feel compelled by people's kindness not to brush them off even if you need to for yourself.

See, that's why I said call, but don't bring it up. My experience is that someone in his situation can sometimes withdraw a little too much. Short, casual conversation about anything other than what's happened can at least draw him out a bit, and keep him grounded and connected, plus you can guage whether or not you need to worry about him, without touching on a bad topic.

[leagleaze]

Originally posted by evenodds
Sigh.

Yeah, I'll get work done before heading out to ACL.

Even(three days of dirt, sun, and really great music)Odds

You are welcome.

Since I'm taking requests, any one else?

Oh, of course






For TM





For Chef

[Sparklehorse]

Originally posted by Austintatious
I am not quite sure how to deal with this:

I think my friend just lost his mother a few days ago, but he hasn't said anything to anyone about it.

The story is: my friend (we'll call him "Al") was picking up take-out and chatting with an acquaintance to him, who is a friend of mine (we'll call him "Bill"). Al's cell rang, he talked to his dad, turned to Bill and said: "Wow. My mom just died."

Bill and I had drinks the next night and he asked if I'd talked to Al recently. I hadn't talked to him since the call. Bill told me what happened and said Al seemed a little strange about it and accepted it very calmly.

I called Al's best friend who, after a general inquiry, received a cryptic message about possibly not being available for a party this weekend because he had to take care of something.

Should I call him, or should I interpret this as someone who really doesn't want anyone to know?

I like PJ's idea of a card but I think you could call him just to see how he is generally and then it might come out. When one of my parents died a few years ago, I dreaded having to call even my closest friends to tell them (even though my parent's illness was well-known to my friends). Thankfully, my sister-in-law made a bunch of the calls for me.

[Replaced_Texan]

Originally posted by dtb

3. When you do talk about the deceased, talk about the things you remember about him/her and what a great person s/he was -- not details about the death. And certainly not "it was for the best" or inconsiderate comments of that nature.

I went to a memorial celebration last Saturday for a dear friend, and everyone at the celebration was invited to say a few words about the deceased. It was absolutely beautiful, and everyone who spoke gave the impression that they were better people for having known the deceased and that our community was a better place because he had been a member. It was a positive, uplifting experience, and I think that the family was very appreciative of the kind words everyone had to give.

[Austintatious]

Thanks for all the advice, y'all.

Hey, Even, does The Odd Man know about your Jason Taylor obsession?