General discussion - Mom and Dad Esq.

Originally posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy
Threads and I are going to attract all your babysitters.

If you want a long term sitter, it pays to be generous. And there are huge benefits from the kid (and parent) perspective to having a consistent sitter. We had a fantastic nanny who stayed with us for 10 years, until the younger started elementary school and she found another family.

The small kindnesses count for a lot in keeping staff, and a good caring nanny who ALWAYS shows up on time can really make your world livable.

I watched tons of kids in HS (it paid my way to Europe) - One year I had a T-TH family and a M-W-F family. The T-TH family paid better, but was unreliable about telling me in advance if they did not need me, left really crappy food (I was there for dinner every night and have never liked Mac-n-Cheese - blech), and were generally not as nice as the other family. On conflict weekend dates, the more reliable and nicer MWF family always won out - despite the pay difference. Just a thought.

Also, I never expected an Xmas gift or anything, but the times I got something (small with a nice note), it was really appreciated. Also extra dough if they say they were coming back at 10 and didn't show until 1am or what have you. And if you cancel at the very last minute (esp on a holiday), you need to pony up some cash (not as much as the time would have cost, but something to keep you off the bad-customer-list) and a big apology.

The only other things that would keep me away were cases where I felt over my head - the parents wanted me to go places I didn't know how to get to or take care of more kids than bargained for (never do this without adequate warning and extra cash - the sitter expects 2 kids and you dump the 3 neighbor kids on her too) If I had lots of kids, I would want to make sure my mom was home in case of problems, etc. - therefore advance notice is needed.

If the kid has some issue - tantrums/not potty trained yet - explain how you would like this handled - don't expect a 13yo to know how to deal with your kid the way you want. And tell her how to discipline the kid - your little angel may become satan spawn once you leave and unless you give the sitter some sort of way to manage this (that works!!!), the kid will only get worse (and you lose the sitter).

-T(I plan on training our cats to watch the kid, so I don't have to deal with any of this)L

[mommylawyer]

Originally posted by baltassoc


No, you can't have their names.

HAHAHAHA!!! How'd you know I'd ask!!!

We pay about the same for a highschooler who we pay to watch TV while my little people sleep and I take a pilates class. She will occasionally do a weekend morning. We also pay our nanny that for some extra, non-overtime sitting as well.

ML

[Trepidation_Mom]

Originally posted by yertle
[Mild mannered advice for handling the bad behavior of other people's children.]

Jesus, I am just not cut out for this patient parenting thing. I'd be going ballistic right along with VietMom's Mom, and I'd surely have smacked the neice long since. (I've even been inspired to pick an avatar, once I can get it resized.)

The point about laying down the rules, even if there is no hope of them sticking in the primordial mind of a 2 year old, just for the sake of being seen to lay down the rules by older children is an excellent strategy, though. I'm taking notes.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally posted by Trepidation_Mom
Jesus, I am just not cut out for this patient parenting thing. I'd be going ballistic right along with VietMom's Mom, and I'd surely have smacked the neice long since. (I've even been inspired to pick an avatar, once I can get it resized.)

The point about laying down the rules, even if there is no hope of them sticking in the primordial mind of a 2 year old, just for the sake of being seen to lay down the rules by older children is an excellent strategy, though. I'm taking notes.

How to deal when other people do not control their kids is difficult. We recently went on vacation with a couple with a kid the same age as L'il Ty, which kid was out of control frequently. We certainly did not come down on em the way we would on our own, but there were also times when we rebuked em, etc., moreso than em's parents would, which caused some (minor) strain. Em burst into tears a few times at being scolded and was comforted by em's parents, which seemed to me calculated on some level to reassure em that em's parents were softies even if we weren't.

[Flinty_McFlint]

Hi all:

My wife and I are expecting our first little monkey in the family soon, and I thought I'd ask for your opinions, since you've been there.

Is there something you wished you knew/bought/read/did pre-labor, that you didn't do before but certainly would do the next time around? What's the best piece of advice you would care to share?

I know it's an open-ended question, I'm just curious to hear your experiences and advice.

Thanks,

Flinty

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by Flinty_McFlint
Hi all:

My wife and I are expecting our first little monkey in the family soon, and I thought I'd ask for your opinions, since you've been there.

Is there something you wished you knew/bought/read/did pre-labor, that you didn't do before but certainly would do the next time around? What's the best piece of advice you would care to share?

I know it's an open-ended question, I'm just curious to hear your experiences and advice.

Thanks,

Flinty

First of all, congratulations! How very wonderful for you and the Mrs.

Here's my advice, in no particular order:

1. Enjoy each other now. Shortly, your life will be consumed by another person. Go out to dinner. Go away for a long weekend (even just to a local downtown area). Get a massage. Get your wife a pedicure.

2. Do not allow family to stay in your house after the birth of the little monkey. Send them to hotels. If you can, hire a nurse to spend the first several nights with you at home. It was a great relief to hand the Brazenette off to someone and go to bed. Even though I still had to wake up to feed her, someone else brought her to me, and then whisked her away for a diaper change etc. leaving me to sleep.

3. Get the little monkey to take a bottle every now and then, and yes, a bottle of formula every now and then. It'll be good for you and your wife to know that the little monkey will eat even if you go to a movie.

4. Breastfeeding sucks (no pun intended!) in the beginning. If your wife is planning to give it a try, encourage her to make no decisions about it for at least 6 weeks.

5. Take a picture of the little monkey with an object of fixed size (a teddy bear or something...) and do this regularly every week or every month (I wish I had done this). You'll be amazed at how fast they grow.

6. Enjoy this. It's the most wonderful thing around.

[Greedy,Greedy,Greedy]

I've been posting too much on the Politics Board, so let me give a point/counterpoint response and expansion to B&B's response:

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
First of all, congratulations! How very wonderful for you and the Mrs.

Yes, Congratulations! You will be a great Monkey Dad, I'm sure!

Here's my advice, in no particular order:

1. Enjoy each other now. Shortly, your life will be consumed by another person. Go out to dinner. Go away for a long weekend (even just to a local downtown area). Get a massage. Get your wife a pedicure.

Remember, life won't end, and lot's of great stuff will happen post-little monkey, but it will change.

On massages -- and you may think this strange -- get a masseuse to come to the delivery room; there is nothing better than a lower back massage to reduce labor pain, and your wife will love you forever.


2. Do not allow family to stay in your house after the birth of the little monkey. Send them to hotels. If you can, hire a nurse to spend the first several nights with you at home. It was a great relief to hand the Brazenette off to someone and go to bed. Even though I still had to wake up to feed her, someone else brought her to me, and then whisked her away for a diaper change etc. leaving me to sleep.

This depends heavily on family relationships -- it can be helpful SOMETIMES to have family around, but it can also be awful.


3. & 4. Nothing to add, see above.

5. Take a picture of the little monkey with an object of fixed size (a teddy bear or something...) and do this regularly every week or every month (I wish I had done this). You'll be amazed at how fast they grow.

Invest in Camera Equipment generally. Big time. This is very important. Get a digital, a 35 mm, a medium format, a video cam, strobe lights, reflectors, lots of lens, filters, etc. etc. Take 100 photos of child every week. Really.


6. Enjoy this. It's the most wonderful thing around.
Trite but true.

[Atticus Grinch]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
4. Breastfeeding sucks (no pun intended!) in the beginning. If your wife is planning to give it a try, encourage her to make no decisions about it for at least 6 weeks.

Aside from proposing to burn What to Expect When You're Expecting in public squares (thanks, Ty!), this is the best advice ever given on the parents board. I am amazed at how something so "natural" can be so difficult and agonizing. And yet, just like the baby emself, once you get past the tough initial part you can't imagine life before or without it.

Edited to add: Congrats and welcome to Flinty.

[Flinty_McFlint]

Wow, great advice and insight B N B, G3 and AG (and thanks to those who PM'd). I'm not freaking out yet, but I'm just so inexperienced that other than knowing I love the little monkey and the momma monkey, I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be thinking about or doing. We've got the room and most of the goods ready, we have the books (including the one AG wants to go Fahrenheit 451 on), we're just lacking in knowledge and experience. But, I think, that may be half the adventure of parenting.

Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be asking tons of dumb questions in the future, such as, how to keep my job while sleep-deprived, etc. etc..

best,

Flinty

[Greedy,Greedy,Greedy]

Originally posted by Flinty_McFlint
Wow, great advice and insight B N B, G3 and AG (and thanks to those who PM'd). I'm not freaking out yet, but I'm just so inexperienced that other than knowing I love the little monkey and the momma monkey, I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be thinking about or doing. We've got the room and most of the goods ready, we have the books (including the one AG wants to go Fahrenheit 451 on), we're just lacking in knowledge and experience. But, I think, that may be half the adventure of parenting.

Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be asking tons of dumb questions in the future, such as, how to keep my job while sleep-deprived, etc. etc..

best,

Flinty

There are women (my wife was one) who love breastfeeding, so don't assume it's thumbs down after the trial period. But even my wife will admit that there's a limit.

(And let me know when you want camera related recommendations).

[rufus leeking]

quote:
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Originally posted by Flinty_McFlint
I'm not freaking out yet, but I'm just so inexperienced that other than knowing I love the little monkey and the momma monkey, I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to be thinking about or doing................... we're just lacking in knowledge and experience. But, I think, that may be half the adventure of parenting.

Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be asking tons of dumb questions in the future, such as, how to keep my job while sleep-deprived, etc. etc..

best,

Flinty
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One funny thing someone told us was that it takes about a year before you realize its not a course that will be over soon, and you hand him back in.
When I think back, I remember how serious we took it at first. I wish someone has said to chill out, there are no right answers, and no need for rigid rules. Lot's of people start out looking at other parents and think "I can't believe she'd do that...." like pick up a pacifier of a mall floor and stick it back in babies mouth w/o washing, or yelling/hitting the kid, or whatever you think is the only way to handle the situation. In a few years they are much more pragmatic.
I remember once my little darling at 3 with all her Barbie crap all over the floor. We had friends over, a gay couple thinking of adopting. One of the guys had read some book on child rearing.
so I telling K. "listen, you pick this stuff up now or I throw it all away*." The guy remembers in Chapter 4 some technique and gets down on the floor "K. let's pick up this stuff together!"
Well, I was way to much of a vet to play that. I'm a native. I live with this every day.
*threats to "throw away" $500 of Barbie crap get hollow quick. by 4 She caught on no way it was getting tossed; too expensive.

Originally posted by Flinty_McFlint
Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be asking tons of dumb questions in the future, such as, how to keep my job while sleep-deprived, etc. etc..

best,

Flinty

Congratulations - kids really are fantastic.

On the list of books to burn - some horrible book that purported to be "the truth that other books have kept from you". Reading it was a one way ticket to a nunnery - it made everything from labor to nannies to feeding seem like one slow-motion nightmare.

But it isn't - really! Some tough moments, but overall nothing even remotely close to what the book was talking about. If it comes your way, burn it and do the world a favor.

On the cautionary side - Mom is likely to have some very intense moments, particularly the 8 weeks after birth. Be kind. It is easy from a distance to say it's just hormones, but for the hormonee it is all genuine emotion.

And for trivial advice - get one of those carseat jobs that snaps into a stroller. The baby gets heavy fast, and carseats are awkward to carry by the handle. The babe will fall asleep in car, and the last thing you will want to do is wake him/her up by removing from the seat.

Which leads to my words to live by (passed down from sister to sister)
1. Don't wake a sleeping baby.
2. Tomorrow will be a better day (only on those days when junior has started the day by puking on your bed in the wee hours, necessitating a full change of sheets; whereupon things only got worse).

[baltassoc]

Originally posted by Flinty_McFlint
What's the best piece of advice you would care to share?

First, congrats.

I'll give one random piece of advice. If the little monkey will be headed to daycare sometime in the first year, check out places NOW. Many centers have waiting lists, especially for the youngest rooms (after they're a year old its actually a little easier). But more importantly, you can take some time to look at the center before the kid comes. Afterward, either the kid is in tow, or you're worried about whomever is taking care of him. We followed this advice, and then had to find a new place anyway because of some changes at the daycare and at home. It was great to not have to worry about where they would be going when they were very little, but a big pain to find a new place.

Oh, and read the books before you burn them. But burn them. The greatest piece of advice I received was this: whatever you do, the kid will think is normal.

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by baltassoc
But burn them. The greatest piece of advice I received was this: whatever you do, the kid will think is normal.

Was this person a pedophile? I mean, it's true, but it's not really the be all and end all. Like, you could beat your kid with a belt on a nightly basis and the kid would think it is normal.

I know that's not what you were getting at, which was more that there is no one correct way that if you don't get completely right your kid is doomed, and I'm pretty sure everyone on this board is a thoughtful parent.

Nevertheless, it's important to remember that whatever you do consistently, the kid will think is normal.

This to me is such a good reason not to have kids.

Edit: Damn you people. I have been informed by PM that the above sentence is "inappropriate" in light of the "happy" event. Let's just say I have my reasons, and Mr. McFlintyflintflint is well aware of them.

But, given that you people have all decided to have kids (and some actually have them) congratulations to all of you on all the blessed events. My reluctance to have kids is no doubt my legitimate fear of producing more mes. But you are all fantabulous people, so mazel tov.*

*I don't know if I am using this term correctly, but I felt I needed an ending.