Merry Generic Winter Day-Off With No Religious Content

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
Good God. Stop being so technical. In both situations, I was very uncomfortable.

TM

At my first Biglaw the firm arranges a Karaoke machine for the Christmas Party. My best friend is this big sloppy guy, who also happens to be hilarious, very theatrical and a great singer.

He is in the commercial litigation group, and is seemingly well thought of by the anal types that are in the group.

Okay, about 250 lawyers at the party. People have been singing boring safe stuff, including my friend. And then my guy gets up for the second time. Barry Manilow's "I Write The Songs," but total lounge lizard.

There's the line "when I look in a young girl's eyes"- he starts improvising with lines like "when I look in your eyes Greedy partner Jones," for big law humor it was way up there, and actually close to being professionally done.

Standing in the crowd directly to my left is the head of the litigation group with one of his mid-level toadies. as my guy starts scatting, dept head leans over to toadies and says "do you know what that sound is? that's the sound of a career dying!"

Then he saw that I heard, and our eyes locked and I realized how fucked up biglaw really was. Why rent the Karaoke machine if using it was fatal?

[patentparanyc]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
At my first Biglaw the firm arranges a Karaoke machine for the Christmas Party. My best friend is this big sloppy guy, who also happens to be hilarious, very theatrical and a great singer.

He is in the commercial litigation group, and is seemingly well thought of by the anal types that are in the group.

Okay, about 250 lawyers at the party. People have been singing boring safe stuff, including my friend. And then my guy gets up for the second time. Barry Manilow's "I Write The Songs," but total lounge lizard.

There's the line "when I look in a young girl's eyes"- he starts improvising with lines like "when I look in your eyes Greedy partner Jones," for big law humor it was way up there, and actually close to being professionally done.

Standing in the crowd directly to my left is the head of the litigation group with one of his mid-level toadies. as my guy starts scatting, dept head leans over to toadies and says "do you know what that sound is? that's the sound of a career dying!"

Then he saw that I heard, and our eyes locked and I realized how fucked up biglaw really was. Why rent the Karaoke machine if using it was fatal?

Because Hank, they get off with giving you just enough rope...and then watching to see if you'll hang yourself or simply sing "copacabana" straight up.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
At my first Biglaw the firm arranges a Karaoke machine for the Christmas Party. My best friend is this big sloppy guy, who also happens to be hilarious, very theatrical and a great singer.

He is in the commercial litigation group, and is seemingly well thought of by the anal types that are in the group.

Okay, about 250 lawyers at the party. People have been singing boring safe stuff, including my friend. And then my guy gets up for the second time. Barry Manilow's "I Write The Songs," but total lounge lizard.

There's the line "when I look in a young girl's eyes"- he starts improvising with lines like "when I look in your eyes Greedy partner Jones," for big law humor it was way up there, and actually close to being professionally done.

Standing in the crowd directly to my left is the head of the litigation group with one of his mid-level toadies. as my guy starts scatting, dept head leans over to toadies and says "do you know what that sound is? that's the sound of a career dying!"

Then he saw that I heard, and our eyes locked and I realized how fucked up biglaw really was. Why rent the Karaoke machine if using it was fatal?

It's the perfect trap. If you refuse to go up and sing, you are a pussy. A shrinking violet type not cut out for litigation. Litigation is a form of performance, after all! If you do sing, you lack judgment. Loose cannon. What the hell is a guy like this going to do or say in front of a judge?

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by patentparanyc
I stand on a small train platform in the morning, I switched my trains a few months back..and noticed that most of the smokers stand in one area...and to avoid them I started standing in another area...near a woman that I know. She's approx 300-400 pounds give or take. Lives at home, late 30s.

She's obsessed with the state of the parking lot. Yes, it has deep potholes, yes, it is poorly lit. So she alternates between the parking company and the MTA calling them, emailing them several times a day. So every morning, she's taken to complaining about it, and outlining her attack plan. very tedious....

So recently, two things. One woman has "permission" by the mgmt. company supposedly to park in an unauthorized parking spot.....so the other day, complaining woman shouts out about her "Because she's a cheap BITCH" arghhh. I almost shrank into the tracks. Then, regarding her incessant complaining, she loudly announced to the whole platform that she is starting to narc on the cars that park in permit spots that do not have permits because "they prevent those with permits from having a spot" the whole platform turned to look at her. she's going to email or call in the license plates she announced. Both times, if the earth could have swallowed me up, I would have been most grateful.

Actually, I forgot. She a longish time ago made me feel very uncomfortable. That runaway bride thing had happened in Atlanta and she said "Why do men always choose mentally unbalanced women when it's like heloooooooo I'm over here and I'm totally SANE" I think we ALL slid our eyes away and cleared our throats. Um, how can you NOT know????

wow! you think she weighs 300-400 lbs. that means she is actually, what 500, 600 lbs?

sorry everyone. had to do this one.

[patentparanyc]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
wow! you think she weighs 300-400 lbs. that means she is actually, what 500, 600 lbs?

sorry everyone. had to do this one.

I dunno but she is ginormous.

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by robustpuppy
I just want TM to tell us about any goofy things he's done.

This isn't uncomfortable -- more embarassing. Actually, who am I kidding? It was both.

One time, many years ago (also at a summer associate event), we were hanging out after the event at one of the 80s clubs. It was late and I was a little drunk. Anyway, I'm talking to this one summer who is kind of cute, and her friend who didn't work at the firm, but just met us out. Her friend is smoking hot. We're getting along great and since I'm so suave bolla, I'm pretty sure I'm in there.

It had been raining and I had on a long, black coat. Not a rain coat, but light and water resistant. I'm deep into my best, laid-back, cool act. The place has stadium seating around the dance floor and I was sitting next to her, maybe 4 or 5 steps up from the floor. I start to get up to go the bathroom or get a drink or something and I don't realize that my coat tail is under my left foot. Everyone is dancing, but there is space around the edges of the dance floor. It wasn't packed.

So I get up, and take the first step with my right foot, but I can't finish it because I'm standing on the coat that I'm wearing with the other foot. If I were on a level surface, no big deal. But I'm already out there in mid air, so I fall.

I'm not talking about any old fall. I mean I started to fall, cleared the steps, but tried to keep myself from hitting the ground, so I sort of stumbled for maybe 8 feet, alternating hand, elbow and knee plants before absolutely completely losing it. Everyone is watching and I swear to God I was moving in slow motion. Right before I completely bite it, I reach up, lunging and grabbing for something, anything to keep myself off the ground. Unfortunately, I grab the bouncer around the mid-section and sort of just hang there for a second with my legs sprawled out behind me, stunned.

As I pull myself up, I say to him, "Was this half as bad for you as it was for me?" He says, "What do you think?" I glance back over my shoulder and everyone is in tears, laughing their asses off, hot girl included. Needless to say, I was most definitely not in there. Humiliations, galore. And I was the butt of every joke for the next however many weeks.

Good times.

TM

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
What is the most uncomfortable situation you've ever been in at work or outside of work?

At work: Before I was a lawyer, I was a salesperson. I was at an industry-specific trade show, and went out one night with a bunch of salespeople from both my company and from my competitors. After several drinks, the head guy at one of the competitors raised his glass, tilted it at me and said "It's a good thing you look the way you look, because if you didn't have those..." (and here, he nodded towards my breasts) ...."or if you had a different last name..." (my dad was well-known in the industry) ... "you'd never sell a goddamn thing." I shed no tears when the company he worked for went under less than a year later.

Outside of work: Having this conversation with my ex, before he was my ex. "You did what? You went through my drawers? And my computer? And my cell phone records?"

[robustpuppy]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
This isn't uncomfortable -- more embarassing. Actually, who am I kidding? It was both.

One time, many years ago (also at a summer associate event), we were hanging out after the event at one of the 80s clubs. It was late and I was a little drunk. Anyway, I'm talking to this one summer who is kind of cute, and her friend who didn't work at the firm, but just met us out. Her friend is smoking hot. We're getting along great and since I'm so suave bolla, I'm pretty sure I'm in there.

It had been raining and I had on a long, black coat. Not a rain coat, but light and water resistant. I'm deep into my best, laid-back, cool act. The place has stadium seating around the dance floor and I was sitting next to her, maybe 4 or 5 steps up from the floor. I start to get up to go the bathroom or get a drink or something and I don't realize that my coat tail is under my left foot. Everyone is dancing, but there is space around the edges of the dance floor. It wasn't packed.

So I get up, and take the first step with my right foot, but I can't finish it because I'm standing on the coat that I'm wearing with the other foot. If I were on a level surface, no big deal. But I'm already out there in mid air, so I fall.

I'm not talking about any old fall. I mean I started to fall, cleared the steps, but tried to keep myself from hitting the ground, so I sort of stumbled for maybe 8 feet, alternating hand, elbow and knee plants before absolutely completely losing it. Everyone is watching and I swear to God I was moving in slow motion. Right before I completely bite it, I reach up, lunging and grabbing for something, anything to keep myself off the ground. Unfortunately, I grab the bouncer around the mid-section and sort of just hang there for a second with my legs sprawled out behind me, stunned.

As I pull myself up, I say to him, "Was this half as bad for you as it was for me?" He says, "What do you think?" I glance back over my shoulder and everyone is in tears, laughing their asses off, hot girl included. Needless to say, I was most definitely not in there. And I was the butt of every joke for the next however many weeks.

Good times.

TM

thanks.

Embarrassing: I walked out of a restaurant restroom on Fire Island with toilet paper (which had been a makeshift seat cover!) sticking out of my shorts. I didn't realize it until after I'd finished my meal and got up to leave and my sister-in-law did one of those gasp/laugh/"oh my god" things and then my brother and my ex-BF both erupted in laughter. Boomer Esiason was eating in the restaurant and was seated between my table and the restroom, so I was trailing [white] clouds of glory* [literally] behind in front of a famous person.

As for discomfort, I once sort of loudly made a joke using the term "floppy pooty" (it was an ongoing joke with a couple of other people) within earshot of the receiving line at a then-coworker's wedding. It wasn't a joke about anybody at the wedding, but judging by the looks on people's faces, you would think they thought I was talking about the bride or something. Sheesh. I was not drunk. I am just a moron a lot of the time.

One of the discomfort stories I can recall that isn't about how I am a huge idiot: I was in line at the DMV in D.C. with an apparently senile man, who had been left there as a placeholder by his thirty-ish son. The man started to make conversation with me, and he seemed nice enough, until he asked me if my boyfriend had blue eyes. When I said yes and asked why, he said, "you've got to be careful with those brown eyes." Then he looked around the room, sort of conspiratorially, and said "Blue eyes are the only way you can be sure." All quite loudly. Before it quite clicked for me what he meant, his son came and retrieved him, purportedly because he needed to wait in one of the other 12 lines before he could get in that one. I just gave the son an incredulous look but didn't manage to say anything.

* Who gets this reference**?
** I only ask because nobody seemed to realize (or care?!) that I was making a Seinfeld reference with "hot and heavy" the other day.

[Replaced_Texan]

Originally posted by robustpuppy
You weren't in those uncomfortable situations (excepting the police station story) so much as a witness to them. Not that both aren't interesting, but the former would be moreso.

I have nothing to share as I have never been uncomfortable.

I don't understand ostentatiously public proposals even in the face of certainty. It's a private moment. I guess if you are proposing to a woman (or man, hi tm!!) who really likes the spotlight and you know she (or he) will say yes, that's cool, but personally I would rather give, or receive, that answer without feeling the scrutiny (or mere curiousity) of everyone else in the room/restaurant/baseball stadium.

Ugh. There's a guy here in Houston with lots of money and a sense that because he's bought a table or given a buttload to whatever gala he happens to be attending, that gives him carte blanche to use the microphone.

A few years ago, he single handedly ruined a live auction because he grabbed the mic and started professing his love to his then-girlfriend who happened to have been the chair of the event. People got so bored that they all left their tables and started hitting the bar again, missing the live auction.

A few months ago, in another long winded, boring speech he proposed to his new girlfriend at one of the bigger galas in town. She accepted, but as far as I know they haven't set a date.

[nononono]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
At work: Before I was a lawyer, I was a salesperson. I was at an industry-specific trade show, and went out one night with a bunch of salespeople from both my company and from my competitors. After several drinks, the head guy at one of the competitors raised his glass, tilted it at me and said "It's a good thing you look the way you look, because if you didn't have those..." (and here, he nodded towards my breasts) ...."or if you had a different last name..." (my dad was well-known in the industry) ... "you'd never sell a goddamn thing." I shed no tears when the company he worked for went under less than a year later.

Outside of work: Having this conversation with my ex, before he was my ex. "You did what? You went through my drawers? And my computer? And my cell phone records?"

Ah, exes. I once woke up in my own guest bedroom to find my ex-before-he-was-an-ex leaning over my purse with his paws on my journal.

And then there was the time when, fairly newly separated and having lunch during the workday with a guy I was dating, my ex- decided to walk over and introduce himself, then just sort of stand there, glowering at the two of us. After about 30 seconds of it I was more angry than uncomfortable, but it wasn't good. And my friend and I didn't date much longer, either.

[robustpuppy]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen


Outside of work: Having this conversation with my ex, before he was my ex. "You did what? You went through my drawers? And my computer? And my cell phone records?"

This conversation can be just as bad after the ex is your ex.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
This isn't uncomfortable -- more embarassing. Actually, who am I kidding? It was both.

One time, many years ago (also at a summer associate event), we were hanging out after the event at one of the 80s clubs. It was late and I was a little drunk. Anyway, I'm talking to this one summer who is kind of cute, and her friend who didn't work at the firm, but just met us out. Her friend is smoking hot. We're getting along great and since I'm so suave bolla, I'm pretty sure I'm in there.

It had been raining and I had on a long, black coat. Not a rain coat, but light and water resistant. I'm deep into my best, laid-back, cool act. The place has stadium seating around the dance floor and I was sitting next to her, maybe 4 or 5 steps up from the floor. I start to get up to go the bathroom or get a drink or something and I don't realize that my coat tail is under my left foot. Everyone is dancing, but there is space around the edges of the dance floor. It wasn't packed.

So I get up, and take the first step with my right foot, but I can't finish it because I'm standing on the coat that I'm wearing with the other foot. If I were on a level surface, no big deal. But I'm already out there in mid air, so I fall.

I'm not talking about any old fall. I mean I started to fall, cleared the steps, but tried to keep myself from hitting the ground, so I sort of stumbled for maybe 8 feet, alternating hand, elbow and knee plants before absolutely completely losing it. Everyone is watching and I swear to God I was moving in slow motion. Right before I completely bite it, I reach up, lunging and grabbing for something, anything to keep myself off the ground. Unfortunately, I grab the bouncer around the mid-section and sort of just hang there for a second with my legs sprawled out behind me, stunned.

As I pull myself up, I say to him, "Was this half as bad for you as it was for me?" He says, "What do you think?" I glance back over my shoulder and everyone is in tears, laughing their asses off, hot girl included. Needless to say, I was most definitely not in there. And I was the butt of every joke for the next however many weeks.

Good times.

TM

I had something kind of similar happen to me in a nightclub in Miami. I bit of a smaller audience though. I think it was the Crow Bar (?). Was in Miami for a friend's destination wedding (she was getting married in the Keys the next day) and went out with the couple of co-workers who I travelled to the wedding with (both guys). We decided to spend Friday night in South Beach and head up to the wedding spot on Saturday, so we headed to this enormous, multi-level dance club thing and proceeded to get somewhat loaded. We were walking around, trying to figure out which room/level was the most fun and as we were walking back downstairs from the top level, one of my shoes got caught in the fabric/rubber edging seam on the top stair. Since I had momentum going foward, that started to make me stumble and then the second shoe got stuck in the same way on the next stair down, which totally sent me out of control. I had one hand on the railing and I tried to keep myself vertical by hanging onto that, which resulted in some sort of bizarre pirouette around the railing as I was going down, before I totally bit it about halfway down the stairs, let go of the railing and landed in a heap at the bottom.

I started to laugh and then I looked up to see my friends at the top of the stairs in complete hysterics. They couldn't even pretend to be concerned about whether I was hurt or not. There were probably only 5 other witnesses besides my friends, which was lucky (those stairs were a bit out of the way in the club). We went back and retrieved the broken heel of one shoe (the pad at the bottom came off) but were so drunk that we didn't even realize that the same thing had happened to the other heel (the bottom pad separated), so I had to wear my broken shoes for the rest of the wedding weekend.

[Mmmm, Burger (C.J.)]

Originally posted by robustpuppy

** I only ask because nobody seemed to realize (or care?!) that I was making a Seinfeld reference with "hot and heavy" the other day.

Untrue. You beat me to it.

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by nononono
Ah, exes. I once woke up in my own guest bedroom to find my ex-before-he-was-an-ex leaning over my purse with his paws on my journal.

And then there was the time when, fairly newly separated and having lunch during the workday with a guy I was dating, my ex- decided to walk over and introduce himself, then just sort of stand there, glowering at the two of us. After about 30 seconds of it I was more angry than uncomfortable, but it wasn't good. And my friend and I didn't date much longer, either.

I once was involved with a married man. (gasp!) At the time, I lived in an apartment with exterior stairs that led to the front door, which had sort of a landing. Inside my apartment was a huge picture window, overlooking the landing.

One night, I had a bunch of friends over for dinner. We were all lounging around my living room, and I was seated in a large armchair that faced away from the picture wwindow.

Suddenly, the room went completely silent, all my friends were staring over my head, some of them with their mouths hanging open.

I turned to look. There was his wife, forehead on my picture window, hands up to her face to better see into my apartment.

THAT was uncomfortable.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
I had to wear my broken shoes for the rest of the wedding weekend.

not to distract from the hilarity, but basic foot hygiene suggests not wearing the same shoes two days in a row. letting the shoes "rest" and air out on the off day is important to the long life of the shoes, but more importantly to the health of feet. I certainly do not want to come off as judgemental, but you should have packed at least another pair of shoes for this weekend.

This is especially troubling since 2 others apparently were forced to share a long car ride with someone wearing the same pair of shoes for what, 3 days in a row?