It's all about me

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
Define "flippy skirt". I've never met a skirt I couldn't flip. I have, of course, met plenty I wouldn't flip. Who am I kidding? I would, but I wouldn't tell anyone about it.

Skintight latex? Trust me, it's hard to work those on when they are so tight that the rolls of fat puff out inches and inches at the bottom.

[Greedy,Greedy,Greedy]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
I second that and reassert my dehornification statement from yesterday.

Oh, tup ewe.

[Alex_de_Large]

Originally posted by greatwhitenorthchick
Here is the sexy farmer's daughter to get things back on track

Those boots must be a bitch when the fields get muddy.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by robustpuppy
Highlights? You could do a Goofus & Gallant MMF.

The timbertoes are hot.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
I think we need a ruling from Coltrane, and possibly one from SS, on whether a flippy skirt and sweater set with the hair up is OK for a cougar.

Works for me. In fact, the thought of it made yesterday afternoon a little more frustrating.

[dtb]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
I think she's just a little sheepish about it.

Given the wiping the butt thing, I'm wondering how farmers do it. Plus, I bet not many sheep get bikini waxes. In fact, as a group, sheep are probably quite untiddy down there.

Not I! I am one of those freshly shampooed sheep from the county fair who smell nice and have cute faces (my favorite ones are the ones with the black faces, and white wool -- I think they're called Hartfordshire or something). At nighttime they wear KKK-like hoods, although I'm not too keen about that aspect of my existence, but as I am a sheep, I am powerless to resist.

[dtb]

Originally posted by Alex_de_Large
Those boots must be a bitch when the fields get muddy.

Embarrasingly enough, I was thinking the exact same thing. And the platforms? If she steps in a horse-divot or something, she'll snap her ankle in two!

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by Mmmm, Burger (C.J.)
No they each get their own. Note that the team's principal sponsor is featured on the maillot, so it has to change.

What if it's the wrong size? Or the wrong sponsor? And what's a maillot?

[Not Bob]

Originally posted by dtb
Embarrasingly enough, I was thinking the exact same thing. And the platforms? If she steps in a horse-divot or something, she'll snap her ankle in two!

Sadly, all of my searches for a picture of a sexy doctor or nurse (to post a reply message along the lines of "well, she can help the farmer") resulted in the dreaded "forbidden access -- please contact your system administrator" screen.

Thank goodness I own the firm, eh?

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
What if it's the wrong size? Or the wrong sponsor? And what's a maillot?

I thought maillot was a bathing suit.
That's what they said in high school French anyway.
Guy et Suzanne, sont sur la plage pres de la mer Mediterranee.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Q: Is there a female equivalent to the phrase "sausage-fest"? It would be inserted into sentences like: "I would never join an all-female gym. Sure, I wouldn't have to deal with guys ogling me all the time, but it would be a total [blank]." Is there a catchy phrase for this situation that I am unaware of?

--Sara Regan, Tempe, Ariz.

SG: Great question. I even sent this one out to my friends. Out of the top 100 possible answers, 100 of them couldn't be printed. In fact, nine of them would have redefined comedy as we know it. But since this Web site is owned by the Disney corporation ... well ... you know. I could come up with some generic ones, but they would end up being about as funny as one of Tammy Pescatelli's "I'm Sicilian" routines on "Last Comic Standing."

So here's what I'm hoping: People will e-mail back and forth about this, saying to each other, "Did you read Simmons' column today? What do you think the nine phrases were?" Invariably, the readers come up with nine or 10 on their own, one of them spreads, and eventually, the female equivalent of "sausage-fest" emerges in a grass-roots sort of way. Hey, I can dream.

Q: My single friends and I need you to come up with a Booty Call contract. Often, the whole "friends with benefits" gets soured because one person has different expectations than the other. The contract should alleviate these awkward issues. For example, the contract might stipulate whether at any point the other party might be asked to attend a wedding or a family function, if only so that the single person won't be asked the entire night why they're single.

Or the contract might say that under no circumstances can the other party be called after 2 a.m. on a weekday night. Or maybe before 10 p.m. on a weekend night. Or there may be certain actions that aren't allowable -- Julia Roberts' character in "Pretty Woman" had a "no kissing on the mouth" clause, although it's not exaaaactly the same thing since she was playing a prostitute. Or perhaps a stipulation stating that at no point should either party say in the morning that they "will call" the other party. We both know it's not going to happen. In fact, the odds are much greater that he will never call if he actually uses those words than if he had said nothing at all, or had said "I'll see you later." And even if he does call, it'll be so much later that you'll have already taken his number out of your phone and will have forgotten who he is, anyway. You get the point.

Since I can't afford the services of an attorney, I was hoping that you could whip up a draft and post it for general use. We single gals would be most grateful because, frankly, the whole booty call thing is getting way too complicated, and if one more guy starts bitching and moaning because I don't want him to sleep over, I'm going to axe the whole freakin' thing.

-- DC, Boston

SG: Just so you know, I'll be auctioning off your e-mail address on e-Bay next week with a reserve minimum bid of ten grand. We can split the profits.

Anyway, I think the Booty Call contract comes with six provisions:

1. You can't call it a "booty call." No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, I always used the phrase "stop-by" because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. "Booty call" sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-'80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.

2. No weddings or functions of any kind. For one thing, you can't meet anyone else if you already have a date, and weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s (so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you're opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, "So, what's going on with (fill in Date's name)?", and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he's gay or you're a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you're single (and possibly available).

3. No unannounced stop-bys. You have to call first. I wouldn't put a time limit on phone calls -- it's like making a roto trade. The hotline should be open 24 hours a day.

4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, "I'll call you tomorrow," because it's tradition, as well as a nice litmus test -- if they say they'll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across "When Harry Met Sally" on HBO 7 later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of "I'll call you tomorrow." It's right up there with a woman saying, "I've never done anything like this before." It's just good to get it out of the way.

5. If you're doing the F.W.B. thing with a guy who's actually bitching because you won't let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. What guy wouldn't rather wake up in his own bed?

6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren't allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says "both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times."

But here's the important thing: These stupid contracts never work. In the history of mankind, there has never been a F.W.B. situation that worked out in the end. Somebody always ends up wanting more than the other person, there's almost always bitterness, and if you manage to remain in touch with the same guy five years from now, I would be absolutely amazed. It's just human nature. My advice would be to find an actual boyfriend ... and if you can't find one, move to a different city. It's crazy to me how many women have trouble finding a decent boyfriend, yet they'll stay in the same city for 10 years. If you were fishing in one section of a river every day, and you never caught anything, would you keep returning to the exact same spot, or would you try your luck somewhere else?

[SlaveNoMore]

greatwhitenorthchick
Here is the sexy farmer's daughter to get things back on track

Nothing to add. Just wanted to see the photo again.

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by Not Bob
Sadly, all of my searches for a picture of a sexy doctor or nurse (to post a reply message along the lines of "well, she can help the farmer") resulted in the dreaded "forbidden access -- please contact your system administrator" screen.

Thank goodness I own the firm, eh?

Just for you NB, hope this makes up for the Empire State Building incident.

[NotFromHere]

Or if you like blondes. She doesn't really look nursy, but I think you'll agree that she's definitely naughty.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by SlaveNoMore
Nothing to add.

Shocker.