Fashionistas you have arrived 3-25-03 - 10-3-03

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
Okay...I want this one.

http://www.filofaxusa.com/alligator1.html

Do you think I could get it with a mink carrying case?

Now I'm not typically one to cast stones regarding what is or is not boring conversation. But are you two really having a conversation about dayplanners?!? Can't be. Perhaps you are using code words to discuss vibrators. That must be the case.

Someone, anyone, post something about sex. GWINKY got any more In Case of Emergency Break Glass stories saved up? Cause there's a typhoon of boring going on here!

[ThurgreedMarshall]

It's only a matter of time before the email with this poor guy's resume and the following cover letter reaches you. Wow. Timmy is all groweds up. It's even better when you can read it with all the italics, stressing words he really wants you to concentrate on.

_________________

IN THE LAW SCHOOL OF [LAW SCHOOL], IN AND FOR [DOESN'T MATTER]

[DORK]

Plaintiff(s),

vs.

The legal system in general, specifically mid-size to large law firms with a need for hard-working, competent trial lawyers

Defendant(s).
_________________________________________________

PLAINTIFF’S FIRST REQUEST FOR AN INTERVIEW

Plaintiff, [DORK], pursuant to his lifelong dream of practicing law, hereby requests Defendant, [FIRM], to provide Plaintiff with an interview, whether in person, or via telephone, in response to Plaintiff’s First Request for an Interview. This interview would be taken for the purpose of allowing [FIRM] to evaluate Plaintiff and for Plaintiff to evaluate [FIRM] so as to determine whether Plaintiff and Defendant would be a “good match.” If such a match would be found, it would be Plaintiffs goal in attending the interview to be offered either a follow-up round of interviews or a permanent position by [FIRM] within sixty (60) calendar days after the interview. If it is not [FIRM]’s policy to offer acceptable candidates follow-up interviews or permanent positions within sixty (60) calendar days of the initial interview, [FIRM] can consider this First Request for an Interview revoked.

Plaintiff argues that he is qualified to be offered an interview for the following reasons:

1. I am an extremely competent and hard-working individual. My favorite quote is taken from Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged: “The code of competence is the only system of morality on a gold standard.” I do everything to the best of my ability and I am not shy or nervous about asking for assistance when necessary. I believe in doing as thorough ajob as possible before seeking help, but I also understand that “time is money” and that “there is no need to reinvent the wheel.”

2. I am very ambitious. From the moment I enter a law firm and begin my legal career, all my thoughts will be focused on what needs to be accomplished to make partner. I have no desire to return to academia, write a book, or do anything less mentally challenging and time consuming than the practice of law. There is no (read: zero, zilch, nil, nada) chance that I will be “burned out” in a couple of years. The firm that I choose will be the one where I will begin a career to last a lifetime, absent factors outside of my control.

3. My educational background is exceptional. I attended the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, an institution that is considered by experts and the public at large alike to be the best undergraduate business school in the world. In fact, the only other institution that even competes at the same level is London School of Economics. I took courses in finance, accounting, marketing, management, statistics, economics, legal studies, and even operations and information management (teaching computer skills, such as how to build a website).


For law school, I chose Tulane School of Law. Tulane is also an outstanding educational institution, and the law school has been ranked among the top 50 law schools for many years now. While at law school, where students have much more flexibility to determine their course loads, I continued to choose the most challenging and diverse courses available, including Business Enterprises I and II, Income Tax, Tax Policy Seminar, Secured Transactions, Intellectual Property, Land Use and Planning, Family Law, and Trusts and Estates, among others.

4. My work experience is exceptional. Many of my peers went to law school directly out of college, and with the exception of a sole summer clerkship or summer associate position last summer, many have spent their summers as camp counselors or vacationing. I, on the other hand, spent a year and a half in the “real world” ([NAME OF BIG BUSINESS]) in between completing my undergraduate and beginning my graduate studies, and I have worked every summer since the 10th grade at some type of internship or more, with the sole exception of my junior year summer in college where I spent the summer in [FOREIGN COUNTRY], living with a [NAME OF COUNTRY] family that did not speak English, and taking course work to allow myself to graduate a semester early from Wharton.

a. This past summer, I worked at [DIFFERENT FIRM], in [DOESN'T MATTER]. While working there I became intimately involved in the day-to-day trial practice and I performed legal research which was used in ongoing litigation, sometimes with very little time for attorney review before use in a hearing. Much of the firm work concerned insurance defense, but I worked on a whole range of issues, including civil procedure issues, entitlement to fees, ethical guidelines (used during a motion to disqualify opposing counsel with a conflict of interest), the law surrounding the trade secret privilege and I even had the opportunity to do some plaintiffs work. In addition, I dealt with and drafted many of the pleadings and other documents necessary to run a modern day law practice, including drafting legal memoranda, motions, orders (proposed or the results of a hearing), responses, objections, amended complaints, interrogatories, requests for admissions, requests for production, and other necessary work products at the request of counsel.

b. While at [NAME OF BIG BUSINESS], I was a full-time staff professional based in [DOESN'T MATTER] working with a group known as Litigation Advisory Services. The partners and principles of this close-knit group (about 250 professionals nationwide) basically served as expert witnesses in widely-varying types of litigation. Although I did some financial modeling and a good deal of document review and summarization, much of the work I did centered around fraud and involved extensive traveling to client sites. I traveled a great deal, maintained an expense account, and produced work products that were relied upon as complete and thorough when used at trial. My superiors were extremely disappointed to see me go, and I gave up a potential promotion and large annual bonus to go to law school. I have maintained good ties with [NAME OF BIG BUSINESS] and could potentially have the opportunity to return there as in-house counsel. However, my goal is to work for a law firm and someday make partner, so that I will own a share of the business, not to work as in-house counsel for someone else’s company.

5. My academic performance is exceptional. Although my grades have only been slightly above average, it must be emphasized that these grades were earned at the top educational institutions in the world. In addition, it should be noted that in both my undergraduate and graduate studies, my grades have shown steady improvement. For example, last semester learned a 3.54 at Tulane Law School, putting me in the top 15% of my class. In addition, it should be noted that I take my education very seriously, “learning for the sake of knowledge,” rather than for the sake of grades. It should be noted on my transcript a staunch refusal to take any “fluff courses.”

6. My commitment to community service is exceptional. I spent the summer after my first year of law school volunteering (i.e. without pay) for an organization known as the [NON PROFIT]. In an attempt to maintain [STATE'S] cultural heritage, this group helps local artists (painters, photographers, signers, songwriters) to obtainfree legal advice to help them perform. The advice was as far ranging as whether the provisions of a contract they were planning to sign were fair to what steps were necessary to set up a non-profit company. Needless to say, there was a great demand for this legal work. It was my job to sort out which clients had questions that could be dealt with in a half hour session with a local attorney, and to find local attorneys with the expertise and willingness to meet with these clients. The job involved a lot of time on the phone, a lot of patience, and a willingness to not give up in the face of continuous and constant rejection (few attorneys had the time to give to the organization). Nevertheless, I set up no fewer than four clinics (a “clinic” involves 3-4 clients coming in on a given evening and meeting one-on-one with volunteer attorneys) over the summer, an outstanding achievement considering it is the mission (often not met) of the organization to hold one clinic per quarter (4 per year).

7. As a young adult, I am not bogged down by personal considerations that tend to distract even the best employees. If hired, I would be willing to do anything within the ethical guidelines of the Model Rules of Professional Conduct (and any relevant state ethical guidelines) necessary in order to serve as the best possible advocate for [FIRM]’s clients. I am mature enough to recognize that the viewpoints of my clients do not necessarily reflect my own beliefs. I am unconcerned with whether [FIRM]’s client is a murderer, rapist, corrupt business executive, credit card company, insurance company, or an indigent migrant worker who was injured at the tail end of a 16 hour shift by a teenage drunk driver. I understand that my role in [FIRM] would be to serve the firm’s clients with zealous advocacy to the best of my ability and that is exactly what I would do.

8. I am utterly unconcerned with having any sort of personal life outside of the office. I would work 100 hours a week, 52 weeks a year if required. I do not feel that collecting fees for 3000 hours of work (not merely “billing” but “collecting”) my first year would be unrealistic, so long as the work is available. While I have no interest in “face time,” that is sitting around the office doing nothing just because everyone else is there, so long as there are pressing client demands and money to be made, I will work nights, weekends, holidays, vacations, whatever. If my mother’s funeral was the day of a key deposition, I would do the eulogy via teleconference after the deposition. If my wedding was on the date of a key trial, the wedding would be postponed. If the wife to be did not like it, I would inform her that work comes before EVERYTHING ELSE and that if she does not like this, she is free to find a competing husband. Please understand that if I do not see the light of day (arrive at work before the sun comes out, go home after it is pitch dark) for the next 30 years, if I have to eat all meals in the office or even sleep in the office, I would accept that opportunity eagerly, with open arms and with a big smile on my face.


9. I am not “above” anything. If copies need to made and the administrative staff is unavailable, I have no problem making the copies. If a piece of evidence was accidentally dropped into the garbage, I would have no problem going to the local dump and spending days covered knee-deep in the worst foul-smelling sludge imaginable to search for the evidence.

10. If the tone of this letter has not stressed this point across yet, please recognize that I am VERY hungry right now. I recognize that for the first, and probably one of the last times in my life, I am in an inferior bargaining position. I need something from [FIRM]. I need an acceptable job offer*. I was brought up in affluence, I have a taste for the finer things in life, and now, at the age of 25, I have a negative net worth. However, I would request that that [FIRM] look at me as an investment. If I do not bring three dollars ($3) into the firm for every one dollar ($1) I would be paid as an associate, I would consider myself to have failed as a member of [FIRM]. In fact, if after a year with [FIRM], someone from billing or payroll could show me competent evidence that less than three dollars ($3) was brought into the firm for every one dollar ($1) paid me (in salary and benefits, not counting my pro rata portion of firm fixed expenses), I would voluntarily resign immediately upon request without severance and I would not contest the request to resign in any way, legally or otherwise.

II. I am an extremely loyal individual. I recognize that in hiring new associates, law firms are taking a risk. If hired, I would reward the firm taking such a risk. A few hours of interviewing is no way to know how an individual is going to function in [FIRM]’s environment over a period of years. Firms do not want to hire and train someone for a couple of years, only to lose that individual later as a lateral hire somewhere else. One way that firms have attempted to mitigate this risk is to only offer positions to law students in the top 10% of their classes. This is not the best way to win loyalty. Such students will often be swayed by the highest bidder, and are among the most likely candidates to switch firms as a lateral. I recognize that while I am in the top half of my class at a top-50 law school, that may not be good enough in this ultra-competitive environment and depressed job market to make the cut. However, if given the opportunity, I feel that I could prove to be a much better lawyer then those students who may have written, in the opinicm of afew professors, slightly better answers to essay questions over 10 or so courses (that is the whole difference). As previously mentioned, I feel that I have a better work ethic and attitude, I have no problem speaking publicly, I have no problem delegating responsibility and taking a lead role when working in a group, I have the ability the balance my perfectionist attitude toward my work product with the real life needs and financial considerations of clients, and I have more and better work experience. In short, I believe that I will make an outstanding lawyer. Ijust want [FIRM] to give me the opportunity to make you money.




* An “acceptable job offer” includes a base salary of at least $70,000.00 per year, a “sign on” or “relocation” bonus of at least $5,000.00, an “end of year” or “Christmas” bonus of at least $5,000.00, a firm “401K” which offers a firm match of at least 50% to voluntary salary deductions of at least 6% taken by its associates, a firm-wide medical plan, including major medical, dental, and optical, and a firm-wide life insurance policy or accidental death and dismemberment policy. Also note that an increase in base salary is an acceptable alternative to any or all of the benefits enumerated in this footnote.


Faithfully submitted:

[DORK]
[DORK'S ADDRESS]
Telephone: [555-DORK]
E-mail: [DORK@DUMBASS.COM]


By:
[DORK]

CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE

I HEREBY CERTIFY that a true and correct copy of the foregoing has been furnished by ( ) U.S. Mail ( ) facsimile ( ) hand-delivery ( ) Federal Express to the parties on the attached service list attached on this
_dayof .2003.

[DORK]
[DORK'S ADDRESS]
Telephone: [555-DORK]
E-mail: [DORK@DUMBASS.COM]

By:
[DORK]

Thurgreed(My favorite line was when he said he spent the summer "volunteering (i.e. without pay)")Marshall

[soup sandwich]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
Question...

Is the hurricane affecting anyone yet?

My wife has informed me that most major businesses in Wilmington, DE will be closed tomorrow, which is kind of silly considering the rain isn't even supposed to arrive until Thursday night. It would makemore sense to close on Friday, when Isabel is scheduled to be coming through the area.

Here in PA most are concerned with possible flooding and whether the Phillies/Marlins game at the Vet on Thursday will be completed before the rain arrives.

[evenodds]

This was my favorite part: "For example, last semester learned a 3.54 at Tulane Law School, putting me in the top 15% of my class. "

He should underscore his phenomenal attention to detail.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
It's only a matter of time before the email with this poor guy's resume and the following cover letter reaches you. Wow. Timmy is all groweds up. It's even better when you can read it with all the italics, stressing words he really wants you to concentrate on.


[freakish cover letter]


Thurgreed(My favorite line was when he said he spent the summer "volunteering (i.e. without pay)")Marshall

I liked "I have maintained good ties with [NAME OF BIG BUSINESS] and could potentially have the opportunity to return there as in-house counsel."

Could potentially, eh? Why am I pretty sure there's no offer on the table?

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
No no, Paigow swears by Franklin but I find him to goofy.

Paigow? Franklin? I doubt that highly.



TM

[SEC_Chick]

Originally posted by soup sandwich
My wife has informed me that most major businesses in Wilmington, DE will be closed tomorrow, which is kind of silly considering the rain isn't even supposed to arrive until Thursday night.

The governor of DE has declared a state of emergency for Thurdsay and Friday. For transactional geeks, the Division of Corporations will be closed both days. So I hope everyone already has everything filed and all of their good standings ordered for any impending closings.

[coleman youngster]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
This whole board's been dull as hell.

I agree, so I'm back and this board needs to Show Me its Soul (verse 1).

Hey yo I'm back by popular demand and shit
Paigow wants the crown but can't handle it
This Board’s game's getting monotonous
and I lost my best socks to Infirms censorness
Dr. Doom and VSO done ceased and desist
But I can't quit cause I'm the Flame Sock shit
Fuck the purity test and the TM Day flash of tit
When it's said and done you gonna know that Coleman’s IT
There too much talk bout periods rather than tittie bars
Skip the cramps, I want more bout milky breasts that be large
The swinging FB lifestyle has became a mirage
Take Thurgreed, he ain’t never had no FB menage
or a leagl backrub, you know a lesbian massage
Tight shit Coleman gets cuz he the Flame Socka in charge
I'm in the Rolls listening to DeBarge
Leaned back wit the breasticle chick in red schmoking on cigars
From Bogota, Colombia, FB chicks showing tata
This flame Sock fellow saying E/O my sista’ hello
Turn yo posts wild and drop the mellow
fringey pull off yo dress and make it shake like Jello

DROP YO INHIBITIONS!! When you log on the board
Entertain me or get ya ass out da door!
Be a nymphomaniac-ah! lose control (just lose control)
GET NAKED!! And take pictures to post!

PJ strip down! (work)
Brazen, show me some more! (work)
Is that all you got ABBA?! (work)
You got to make me believe it GWINK! (work)
C'MON NOW!!

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by Atticus Grinch
If you could combine the "sir"ing and "ma'am"ing of the South with righteous indignation, instead of mild clucking, at vocal racial generalizations, both regions would be better off.

This is why I sometimes think that parts of the midwest are worse than the south (see Indiana). It possesses none of the positive attributes of the coasts/south and all of the downfalls of those locales.

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall


8. I am utterly unconcerned with having any sort of personal life outside of the office. I would work 100 hours a week, 52 weeks a year if required. I do not feel that collecting fees for 3000 hours of work (not merely “billing” but “collecting”) my first year would be unrealistic, so long as the work is available. While I have no interest in “face time,” that is sitting around the office doing nothing just because everyone else is there, so long as there are pressing client demands and money to be made, I will work nights, weekends, holidays, vacations, whatever. If my mother’s funeral was the day of a key deposition, I would do the eulogy via teleconference after the deposition. If my wedding was on the date of a key trial, the wedding would be postponed. If the wife to be did not like it, I would inform her that work comes before EVERYTHING ELSE and that if she does not like this, she is free to find a competing husband. Please understand that if I do not see the light of day (arrive at work before the sun comes out, go home after it is pitch dark) for the next 30 years, if I have to eat all meals in the office or even sleep in the office, I would accept that opportunity eagerly, with open arms and with a big smile on my face.

God, too funny. this guy's going to tell his future wife that his career comes first. And billing 3000 hours/year - he ain't going to have to worry about having a future wife.

And he says nothing about the quality of his work - just that he'll work all day all night sleep at his desk.
And hey - he'll even make copies! So big of him.
And there were fluff courses in law school? huh, why didn't I take any of those?

[cheval de frise]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
I couldn't find a San Diego board, so I decided to post this here. Unfortunately, I do not qualify.

http://jobsearch.monster.com/getjob.asp?JobID=19123209

It's ok. From the description, the main requirement is probably that the person be able to lie convincingly about his/her handicap.....just in the opposite direction. The CEO wants a ringer and I'd wager my mortgage payment that s/he bets heavily on golf.

CDF (simple low-$$ nassau is more my speed, maybe with a "wolf" or "snakes" kicker to keep things interesting.)

[purse junkie]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
8. I am utterly unconcerned with having any sort of personal life outside of the office. I would work 100 hours a week, 52 weeks a year if required. I do not feel that collecting fees for 3000 hours of work (not merely “billing” but “collecting”) my first year would be unrealistic, so long as the work is available.

Does he realize that when he drops dead from a heart attack at 27 over some dull box of compliance docs no-one's going to show up for his funeral? He'll have alienated all his family/friends and his fellow associates will be too scared to lose the billable time.

Poor bastard.

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
I liked "I have maintained good ties with [NAME OF BIG BUSINESS] and could potentially have the opportunity to return there as in-house counsel."

Could potentially, eh? Why am I pretty sure there's no offer on the table?

It's because he wants to be PARTNER! Didntja see that he's from affluence. It means nothing to say to his future wife in the bar that he's in-house.
He wants to say that he's a PARTNER.
It's evidently clear that he's a loser and has issues - someone should point that out to him.

[Dualit]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
It's evidently clear that he's a loser and has issues - someone should point that out to him.

It is obvious that he did not run his "cover letter" by the folks in career planning. True, most career planning offices are useless, but I bet they would have had some helpful suggestions for DORK.

[Fugee]

I know we have moved on to racial issues but I'm a little behind.

Originally posted by Jack Manfred
No [the message of Christianity is] not [exciting]. And that's OK. Not everything has to be exciting.

Our first, and most significant, point of disagreement. I didn't mean exciting like roller coaster or such. But exciting in the "this is relevant and life-changing stuff" sense. What could be more exciting than the message that the God who created the universe loves us enough to provide a way for us to be reconciled to God? You may not believe it, but that's a different question than whether it is exciting.
Putting aside the message, the music and format of a church service is really just packaging: putting the message into a medium that will "speak" to people.

Actually "rock and roll church" was my parents' church. I grew up in California and had to contend with rock music at church services, including frequent use of mandolins and songs from "Godspell" and "Jesus Christ Superstar." It sucks. All of it sucks. Allow me to explain.

I'm not talking about borrowing music from Superstar. I'm talking about music composed specifically for worship/praise but in a different musical idiom than the hymns we've been singing for the last 100 years.

Classical music began with Gregorian chant and reached an apex with Bach et. al. The greatest composers in human history wrote pieces for the liturgy. That we would now substitute Andrew Lloyd Webster for them is a travesty more blasphemous than filming The World's Biggest Italian Gangbang in the Vatican.

I was 2 cr. short of a church music major so I don't need the history lesson and I love the music you're talking about. But the appreciation of classical music is not the message of Christianity. What good does it do to have the most magnificent music ever composed if people don't want to listen to it or, more importantly, stay away from church because they think it is boring? The idea of "Christian rap" is the subject of some debate in church circles. Some people, like Bilmore, associate rap with violence and misogeny. My position is that if you want to reach people who only listen to rap, then you should get rappers who are Christians (and they exist) to write really good rap to convey the message of the gospel. Ditto for rock, reggae, etc.

Communal worship (aka church services) shouldn't be a one-size-fits-all proposition. There are super traditional services for Jack Manfred, contemporary and informal services for me and rock and roll church for others. I bet there's even one that wouldn't bore Sebastian. Hmmmm, maybe I should talk him into trying a Vineyard church (described to me as "the thinking person's charismatics"). He wouldn't have to worry about having to be still and quiet there!

BTW, I actually went to a boring service in an all black Baptist church. It was very very small and the people there were the most pathetic gospel singers I ever heard. Not only that but there were virtually no interjections from the congregation during the sermon. I know the minister pretty well and almost jokingly asked him if they were secretly Norwegian Lutherans.