Fashion Board 1-08-04 through 02-03-04

[Mmmm, Burger (C.J.)]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
I'll field this one since all the other liars out there will just lie to you about ever doing something like this.

or, more simply, because chicks are irrational about ex-SOs, so even though you're right about its being platonic, it will take too long to convince the SO that is, in fact, the case.

[Fugee]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
[long set up to the big lie] Then, on Friday, a few hours in advance, you call her and say that you changed your mind and are going to meet him. Go, have your fun with your ex and when you come home, she'll ask how it was first. You'll say it was okay, even though you didn't go where he originally wanted to go and he was into some girl the whole time.

This is important because she or one of her friends may have seen you at another place and may also have seen you with her. But now you're good. Because if she goes all in at this point, there's no problem. "Why was I talking to some girl? I just told you he was into some girl. Your friend probably saw me with her when he went to the bathroom or something. What the fuck?"

Easy street. Guilt and shame shifted to her shoulders. And you're already onto asking what's in the fridge.
TM

So what happens if the friend watched you for 30, 45, 60 minutes and saw only you and the girl together talking and took note of your body language? Call your pal Fugee for assistance with the appropriate "forgive me" jewelry purchase??? At some point lying about it is worse than what you actually did and makes the other person think you must have done something really bad to lie about it.

I think going off to meet an ex without telling the SO is fraught with peril. But then again I am a terrible liar.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
Hearing TM's example made me wonder how many people here would/have actually lied to their SO* about something like that (much less concoct an elaborate plan to do so, along with accomplices)... And if you would/have done so, why?

I have a (weird?) thing about lying to or being lied to by my SO. If I ever found out he did something like this, I would rage. Seriously. If something is not innocent enough for you to tell your SO where you are going, why do it? If you think that your SO would not condone your behavior either because s/he would be irrational or because s/he had reason not to condone it, isn't it important to communicate about that stuff?

Anyone?



*I apologize upfront for overuse of this term in the following post - no better way to convey serious committed relationship here

If you meet up with an ex (without any "interaction"), you're not doing anything wrong. But I don't care how honest you are with your SO, that person is better off not knowing about it.

Not telling/lying is better for everyone. If the SO knows, she gets suspicious/jealous/any other emotion that, given complete information about the situation, is irrational. Who wants irrational emotion? You can keep telling her that her reaction is off-base, but it will be pointless. Why not avoid any unnecessary conflict. A conflict that, given complete information,* would not occur.

*by "complete info", I mean access to your thoughts/feelings.

[greatwhitenorthchick]

I think I have had understanding SO/spouses. I have met up with different exes a few times and told the person I was involved with each time (one of my exes told me he wasn't telling his wife he was meeting me, another ex told his wife and apparently she was fine with it*). I don't really see the point with lying about that. Especially if nothing happens.

This is not to say that I am above lying. Just not about that particular issue.

*I have my doubts. (bitch)

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
Hearing TM's example made me wonder how many people here would/have actually lied to their SO* about something like that (much less concoct an elaborate plan to do so, along with accomplices)... And if you would/have done so, why?

I have a (weird?) thing about lying to or being lied to by my SO. If I ever found out he did something like this, I would rage. Seriously. If something is not innocent enough for you to tell your SO where you are going, why do it? If you think that your SO would not condone your behavior either because s/he would be irrational or because s/he had reason not to condone it, isn't it important to communicate about that stuff?

Anyone?



*I apologize upfront for overuse of this term in the following post - no better way to convey serious committed relationship here

Because nobody needs to know everything about anyone, ever. Because sooner or later, we all have secrets. Because it isn't worth ending a relationship built over years over something that occurs over hours.

And no, I'm not saying I have lied to/cheated on my wife. Nor am I saying that I haven't. I'm not confessing a sin, bragging about a conquest, or trolling for a date with Less. All I'm saying is that after having been with someone for about as long as some of you have been alive, I am willing to admit that there's a lot more gray in the world than there is black or white.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
Not telling/lying is better for everyone.

Only if avoiding a few smaller disagreements is worth the ultimate huge screaming ragetrip and possible breakup.

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by Fugee
So what happens if the friend watched you for 30, 45, 60 minutes and saw only you and the girl together talking and took note of your body language? Call your pal Fugee for assistance with the appropriate "forgive me" jewelry purchase???

Uh...no. If that's the case, then her friend is a fucking psycho and you can get out of it by saying, "Maybe she didn't even notice that my friend was there because she's so bent on catching me doing something I had no intention of doing that she's lost her fucking mind? She spent 60 minutes watching me? Did she see me kiss her? Did I have my hand on her leg? Your friend is nuts."

And here is a simple truth. Your SO wants to believe you. They will go out of their way to believe the story you're telling them. I think that women are more trusting than men in this sense, but I think it's true to a certain extent of everyone. That's just the way it is. They don't want to hear it (especially from a friend who spent 60 mins watching you -- who definitely is a little cracked) from anyone else. Some people are just gullible, but that's different than what I'm saying here.

TM

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by bilmore
Only if avoiding a few smaller disagreements is worth the ultimate huge screaming ragetrip and possible breakup.

We're talking about Coltrane. The breakup is inevitable. He just wants to keep the access to sex as long as possible.

[idle acts]

Originally posted by Fugee
So what happens if the friend watched you for 30, 45, 60 minutes and saw only you and the girl together talking and took note of your body language? * * *

I think going off to meet an ex without telling the SO is fraught with peril. But then again I am a terrible liar.

This is why I always meet my exes at out of town depositions

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
I'll field this one since all the other liars out there will just lie to you about ever doing something like this.

[stuff]

Ok. Would your analysis/approach change at all if your SO had upfront, early in the relationship let you know that lying about that sort of stuff is unacceptable?

I guess from my perspective men* seem to be so adverse to having a mildly unpleasant conversation about something that instead they risk a much larger fight and future trust issues. Not a good tradeoff IMO.


*played out by the responses here so far, although it applies to some women as well, I'm sure.

[Fugee]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
I have a (weird?) thing about lying to or being lied to by my SO. If I ever found out he did something like this, I would rage. Seriously. If something is not innocent enough for you to tell your SO where you are going, why do it? If you think that your SO would not condone your behavior either because s/he would be irrational or because s/he had reason not to condone it, isn't it important to communicate about that stuff?

I'm with you on this NCS. Meeting up with an ex may or may not upset me (depends on whether/what I'd heard about the ex from the SO) but lying about it would send me over the edge.

I had a lengthy on and off relationship with a guy who lied about where he was and what he was doing, even when he wouldn't have needed to lie. Just remembering sent my blood pressure up about 20 points.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by bilmore
Only if avoiding a few smaller disagreements is worth the ultimate huge screaming ragetrip and possible breakup.

I meant it certain specific instances, not in general.

[robustpuppy]

Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
I meant it certain specific instances, not in general.

Yes, only those instances in which the woman is likely to have any [irrational] emotion. Because those instances are never important.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
We're talking about Coltrane. The breakup is inevitable. He just wants to keep the access to sex as long as possible.

Nope, I/ve met up with exes* and told Sequels beforehand. She's fine with it. Other SOs may not be. It also depends on WHICH ex you're meeting up with. If it's the ex that broke your heart and the SO knows this, well...you're in big trouble if you're thinking about meeting up with her in the first place.

*nothing happened

[idle acts]

Originally posted by taxwonk
Because nobody needs to know everything about anyone, ever. Because sooner or later, we all have secrets. Because it isn't worth ending a relationship built over years over something that occurs over hours.

And no, I'm not saying I have lied to/cheated on my wife. Nor am I saying that I haven't. I'm not confessing a sin, bragging about a conquest, or trolling for a date with Less. All I'm saying is that after having been with someone for about as long as some of you have been alive, I am willing to admit that there's a lot more gray in the world than there is black or white.

Well put. I expressed similar sentiments a few weeks back to some colleagues regarding a fellow colleague who has elected not to leave her spouse after learning he had a one-night stand with someone. I was surprised to find that I was the only person who thought that her decision made sense.