imaginary friends to fill the void that is your gaping gash.

[Diane_Keaton]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter DK, that was solid advice....However, I am off to rent clothing.

Hrmph. Fine. Off you go, and I hope you wear your ruffled gayness well.


And I take back the Lorenzo Lamas thing too.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally posted by taxwonk
Gutless wimp. I like BnB's advice. OWN the suit. Don't explain. Don't apologize. Count your blesssings if you don't get crabs.

Yeah, you fucking pussy. If you were a real man, you would go naked, with a tattoo of a tuxedo up and down your manhood. If some dude has the audacity to give you a hard time, take his date, turn her around, hike up her evening gown, and offer to tickle her sphincter with your bow tie.

[Hank Chinaski]

[Shape Shifter]

So I went wearing a tux that flasehed "rental" brighter than a Dodge Neon. A few wore suits, and the fewer still that did so confidently stood out in a good way. I wish I would have gone the way I originally contemplated and later suggested by taxwonk. Plus my feet hurt. I learned from reading the actual invitation that the theme was "Moulin Rouge." Pity. I could've worn shoes on my knees and gone as a fucking midget.

The bar was not open. The wine was not good.

The ball itself I would describe as Amway for doctors. The irony of this silent auction shit is the better off you are, the better deal you get. The person who won the $30,000 pool could have afforded the pool for $30,000, but got it for much less. We got the weekend getaway (+ case of wine) from the B&B in San Marcos, which is only good if our weekend is Sunday through Thursday.

I did see a few NotBobian trophy wives, one or two of which were truly outstanding. Better still were the hostesses, undergrads from a local Christian sorority dressed as Parisian whores from 1889. I heard the winning bid for them was a bitchin' 93 Suburban with leather, video screens, and a case of Zima.

The event was emceed by a local news anchor who inspired much table chat during the overcooked salmon and beef. During our dinner, we were subjected to a video montage of a recently deceased local cardiologist. Afterward, there was an auction where you bid but didn't win anything. I think our table bid enough money to buy a set of tires for the deceased doctor's Porsche, or maybe his Corvette, both of which were featured prominently. But perhaps not.

Overall, the event was a success, in that it raised over $50,000 for heart disease.

Ha.

Perhaps cardiologists should donate one of their exotic sportscars every 3 years or so AND QUIT BOTHERING THE REST OF US FOR MONEY. If the research is reallly that important, I'm sure they'll figure out a way to profit from it.

Epilogue: Enjoying a smoke on the patio with some of the event's main sponsors, all in their 50s, I heard them lament the passing of some of their peers.

"You know, this is really important. XXX just passed away. In this day and age, that's really young."

"Yeah, the doctor who was honored . . . when was he born? '58?"

"Yeah, and he exercised, did everything right."

Pause.

"Might as well smoke. Can't tell what's gonna kill you."

P.S. I'm on some committee or other for this next year. I will be looking to the children of cardiologists that I know for support.

[Atticus Grinch]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
{Bedshitters unite!}

Clearly you fuckers went ahead and held the Unshaven Ball without me. AND IT WAS BLACK TIE?!?!

BTW, I question your co-smokers' logic. The smart money is on Verne Troyer for DeathPool 2.0, which means he has wasted what would otherwise be a strong genetic advantage, longevity-wise.

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
So I went wearing a tux that flasehed "rental" brighter than a Dodge Neon. A few wore suits, and the fewer still that did so confidently stood out in a good way. I wish I would have gone the way I originally contemplated and later suggested by taxwonk.

You shouldn't be taking fashion advice from Wonk, but you most certainly should be taking it from me.

Some world ruler you are.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by Pretty Little Flower
Yeah, you fucking pussy. If you were a real man, you would go naked, with a tattoo of a tuxedo up and down your manhood. If some dude has the audacity to give you a hard time, take his date, turn her around, hike up her evening gown, and offer to tickle her sphincter with your bow tie.

PLF has done this before. Of course, PLF has been in jail many times before, too. In fact, he's running out of people in the Twin Cities willing to bail him out and consequently, he has taken to sending open-date plane tickets and cash to people all over the Midwest just in case.

I would take his advice with a grain of salt.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
You shouldn't be taking fashion advice from Wonk, but you most certainly should be taking it from me.

Some world ruler you are.

Hey, dumbass, we gave the same advice. I still love you and all, but, shit Babe. I'm just sayin'.

[Diane_Keaton]

Originally posted by Pretty Little Flower
Yeah, you fucking pussy. If you were a real man, you would go naked, with a tattoo of a tuxedo up and down your manhood. If some dude has the audacity to give you a hard time, take his date, turn her around, hike up her evening gown, and offer to tickle her sphincter with your bow tie.

I thought Fringey had posted this until just now and was wondering why she was sounding so.....not like a chick. One of the two of you needs to fucking change your avatar. Only one can have the pussy.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

In the Hitchhiker's Guide (or whichever sequel), who is going to be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes?

My wife says it's the lawyers. I say this doesn't sound right, and maybe she's thinking about the Shakespeare line about the first thing we do is kill all the lawyers. She takes umbrage on account of the fact that I think she can't tell Douglas Adams from Shakespeare. So, am I right?

[Skeks in the city]

[Skeks in the city]

A phone sex operator succeeded in a worker's comp claim for carpal tunnel syndrome allegedly caused by chronically masturbating herself at the request of callers. I'm surprised she didn't fake her orgasms; many operators probably fake being women.http://archive.salon.com/health/sex/...99/11/29/suit/

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by Tyrone Slothrop
In the Hitchhiker's Guide (or whichever sequel), who is going to be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes?

My wife says it's the lawyers. I say this doesn't sound right, and maybe she's thinking about the Shakespeare line about the first thing we do is kill all the lawyers. She takes umbrage on account of the fact that I think she can't tell Douglas Adams from Shakespeare. So, am I right?

maybe the two of you should quit the forced "smart" convos and watch the kids better?

[Diane_Keaton]

Originally posted by Skeks in the city

Not only does she look like a man, she looks like a scrawny, heinous, leftover from the eighties, man and it looks to me that she even has pit stains there. I will remind the board that Greedy has publicly stated that he thinks Juliette is really "cute". Which means I don't think I want to ever see a photo of Mrs. Greedy.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
maybe the two of you should quit the forced "smart" convos and watch the kids better?

That's what our case worker keeps saying.