General discussion - Mom and Dad Esq.

[mommylawyer]

Originally posted by viet_mom
Yesterday we got report cards and last night was parent-teacher conference.

1. Vietbabe -Sept. b'day (young compared to most in class but 2 other Sept. b'days in class and they are doing fine academically).

2. Catholic kindergarten with 18 kids in her class.

3. Although she is tired b/c no nap anymore, I have always gotten her to do her homework and we haven't missed any school. We read every night and do normal things but not like that character in Parenthood with the flashcards.

4. Report card: highest marks in Self Confidence, Happy, Friendly, Plays Well With Others, Polite (you name it). The only comment is that she's a bit too much of a social butterfly and may be talking while directions are being given by teacher.

5. Conference: teacher showed me her classwork. Not picking up as quickly on phonetics, "math" concepts and such. The teacher seems good. And I always make sure Vietbabe does homework, gets enough sleep, ready for school, all that. So, I think it's not something that can be changed. Teacher thinks she will probably recommend that Vietbabe repeat K and that she really is "that behind" and that 1st grade at that school is particularly challenging. I asked what are the chances that increased help outside school (flash cards and work on weekends with her) would change that but she says it is not likely.

I am so grateful my child is "Happy" and "Self Confident" and "Plays Well With Others." But this morning, I'm upset and teary-eyed even though I know it's "just Kindergarten". Anyone have input? Thank you.

Viet-Mom-

Don't sweat it, it may be a maturity issue - my son is an OCT baby and as such, did an extra year of pre-K. Based upon where he was last year when had the law not changed, he'd have been in kindy...I was a bit worried when it came time for p-t conferences. As background, son is in Montessori and doing well but didn't seem to be 'getting' some stuff last year. Sweet social, all those things you described, but was a little bit behind the other kids academically. So back to this year... he is like a different kid academically - is reading and now doing multiplication... and can explain it to you so you know he really understands it and hasn't simply memorized the times tables. His retention skills have improved significantly, and this is my kid who we are fairly sure has, at a minimum, some mild attention deficits (like his mom).

So I'd say keep doing what your doing and keep it fun. You can use some things, like leapster etc...to reinforce the basics, but don't feel bad, she is still really young.At least viet-babe is tiny, my kindy is the size of a second to third grader so I always having to dial down people's expectations of him because he is not as old as he looks.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by viet_mom
Wow. I did not think these kinds of tests were administered so early. This is Vietbabe's first year in school (her "preschool" was just a daycare and she wasn't there full time anyway and so would have missed any "academic" portions). I have to say that overall, my kid seem sooooooooooooooo young. She is in clothes for an 18 month old, has all her baby teeth, weighs about 25 pounds and is shorter than all the pre-schoolers. She still carries her blankey around, uses a pacifier at night (yes, I know - bad mommy) and takes 2 hour naps on the weekends (she would during the week, but it's not allowed at school). Her schoolmates come over and I see them playing "baby" (with my kid in the cradle). Is it possible she just isn't "mature" enough for academics? She's a mid Sept. b'day (she just turned 5 this past Sept - the same month she started school) but it's possible she is actually an October b'day b/c in her adoption paperwork I can't account for where she spent the month before she was received at the orphanage at the end of October.

I try my best not to keep her a baby but to be honest, I feel like I don't have that "intuitive" thing that other parents seem to have as far as raising their kids and I worry that I'm just SCREWING UP ROYALLY AS A PARENT. I do notice that she IS maturing from year to year (able to do more things, understand more, control herself and all).

Kids do what they're going to do at the pace they are ging to do it. There is not a lot that we as parents or teachers can do when it comes to the foundation skills other than offer a supportive environment and the tools for the kids to use.

If she's healthy and happy, you're doing just fine. The biggest problem parents face is their own expectations for kids in general and for their kids in particular.

If you think she would benefit by staying back a year and getting more time to work of the basic skills, do it. If you think she'll catch up, then don't keep her back. Either way, she'll eventually find her own level and turn out just fine.

[Icky Thump]

OK, we recently got a calico cat. Now when we get out I frequently come home and find safari searches for "anebepwe" and "//////////////"

Today I was logged out (she's obviously unable to clear her cache) and there was an attempt to log me in using the password "mmn,,,,,,,,,"

Any idea what she's looking for?

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by Icky Thump
OK, we recently got a calico cat. Now when we get out I frequently come home and find safari searches for "anebepwe" and "//////////////"

Today I was logged out (she's obviously unable to clear her cache) and there was an attempt to log me in using the password "mmn,,,,,,,,,"

Any idea what she's looking for?

Internet pussy?

[Icky Thump]

Originally posted by taxwonk
Internet pussy?

More likely this, as we realized today she isn't a calico but an american bobtail

http://americanbobtail.us/

[Atticus Grinch]

Originally posted by Icky Thump
More likely this, as we realized today she isn't a calico but an american bobtail

http://americanbobtail.us/

This is just not very welcoming, IMHO.

[Icky Thump]

Originally posted by Atticus Grinch


This is just not very welcoming, IMHO.

Wow, you found a typo. You're so amazing.

[Antiquity]

If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by Antiquity
If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

I don't have kids, so grain of salt, but I remember being a kid fairly well. I think that you should play it by ear a bit but be prepared to talk fairly frankly with the 7 y.o. when you next visit your mom. When I was 8, I had an aunt die (car accident) and my great grandma die (old age) and I was old enough to understand it and deal with it in some way. I think the 7 y.o would be old enough to appreciate the ability to say goodbye. I might sugar coat it a bit (grandma is very sick and she could die) instead of being totally blunt, but still I'd let them know that it is very serious.

The 4 y.o. is a different story, I think. You might include him in the conversation (so he's not hearing random stuff from his sibling), but I doubt he'll really understand it. Depending on his disposition, he'll either simply not process it and it will be gone from his mind pretty quickly or he could have questions for you guys about death, since he probably hasn't encountered it before.

Actually, thinking about it now, almost that exact timing occurred with my gramma this year - my nieces are 8 and 4 - and what I said above was pretty accurate. The 8 y.o. got it and wanted to have a chance to say goodbye (sadly that didn't work out because she was sick when my sister planned the trip to see gramma and so niece couldn't go), the 4 y.o. didn't really understand what was going on at the funeral. She was just acting generally like your average 4 y.o. Though she did behave at the church and cemetary because she understood that her mom wanted her to.

I'm sorry for your situation. I was in a similar one 20 years ago with my dad (only without the kids to worry about, obviously). I did feel very fortunate to have a chance to say goodbye and have a little bit of time once we knew it was inevitable (about 2 months as well), so my only advice to you is not to leave things unsaid to your mom. It sounds like you have that well in hand.

[Greedy,Greedy,Greedy]

Originally posted by Antiquity
If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

Recently my then-six year old dealt pretty well with death, accepted its inevitability more easily than I did, and was really very sympathetic and comforting to the whole extended family. My sister's three year olds understood the sadness of those around them, but I don't think really comprehended death itself.

Having been through a cancer death a few years ago, I'd say do everything you can to have them spend time with her soon; they are memorable and important moments. As the end nears, and she gets less active, it may be tough for her to be with the kids for more than brief time periods.

You have my sympathy.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy
Recently my then-six year old dealt pretty well with death, accepted its inevitability more easily than I did, and was really very sympathetic and comforting to the whole extended family. My sister's three year olds understood the sadness of those around them, but I don't think really comprehended death itself.

Having been through a cancer death a few years ago, I'd say do everything you can to have them spend time with her soon; they are memorable and important moments. As the end nears, and she gets less active, it may be tough for her to be with the kids for more than brief time periods.

You have my sympathy.

I would say that whatever you tell the 7 YO will be passed on to the 4 YO, but garbled by the 7 YO's outlook, so you might be better off telling them together.

[robustpuppy]

Originally posted by Antiquity
If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

First, I'm so sorry to hear this news. You have my condolences.

Second, I hope that someone is trying to take care of you to the same extent that you are trying to take care of your kids and your mother.

As far as what to do now - spend as much time as possible with her; if it's feasible for you to take a leave of absence from work, do it. If that's not feasible, jettison every other obligation that you have and be there as much as you can, even if every trip fills you with dread. Nothing will trouble you more in later years than the thought that you had could have spent more time with her, and didn't. Although I am sure you understand on an intellectual level that this is the end, the true finality of it can actually be hard to grasp at the time; there is some element of denial at work even when faced with the inevitable.

Your mother may be very sensitive about having the kids see her in an infirm state; be respectful of her wishes in that regard (as well as mindful of the effect on your children). In all respects, give her every opportunity for dignity. Let her say whatever she wants to say, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you or other (adults) around you. If she wants to talk about what's happening to her and what may happen when she's gone, if she wants to tell you who gets the portraits in the living room and where to find the Christmas china, if she wants to resolve some lingering issue, even if it seems to be upsetting to her at the time, don't shush her and tell her not to worry about it, assure her that you will look after all these things. In other words, do what you can to assure her that her house will be in order, literally and metaphorically. And make sure she sees that you will be okay. That you have joy in your life. That she raised you well.

Also, if I could go back, I would ask my mother to tell me about her happiest memories. I was too young when she died to understand what I would want to know about her as my life progressed. I am lucky in that I have many of her letters and I can make a lot of guesses, but I wish I could have heard her recount more stories about her life.

As far as the children go, I think ncs is right. I was 4 when my grandfathers died and I have virtually no memory of it except that my mother was away for a bit less than a week. 8 is a different story. Tell them both together in simple terms and be prepared to discuss it in greater depth with the 8 y.o.

Again, I'm so sorry. PM me whenever you need moral support.

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by Antiquity
If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

wrt the kids... it probably depends on the kids. The Brazenette seems to have a firm hold on what "died" means and talks about people and animals that have died with some real insight. And she's 3 months short of 5.

as to the rest of it, I can't do much better than RP, except to say that you should say what you need to say. You will come, in time, to regret this thing or that thing about what you did during your mom's life. You will even come to regret things about the next 2-3 months. But you have been given an opportunity to say good-bye, and to not leave things unsaid. One thing that gives me comfort, when I think about losing my best friend, is that I know that she died knowing how much I loved her, how deeply I valued her presence in my life, and how much I dreaded losing her. And I knew that she loved me, and that I had been a good friend to her.

You have my thoughts and prayers. please PM me if I can do anything else.

[nononono]

Originally posted by Antiquity
If you don't want to be depressed, stop reading.

Really.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It's advanced, and there really are no treatment options. The doctor's best guess is that she has two months to live. She's in another city.

7 y.o. knows she's sick, and that we're worried. He surely gets that we're more worried than we usually are when someone is sick.

4 y.o. probably has picked up on something, but isn't a particularly verbal fellow and isn't talking.

At this point I'm assuming I'll be able to visit her with the kids fairly soon, while she's still fairly healthy, though she isn't moving around very well and will seem infirm to them. I also imagine that we'll be around at the end, which means -- assuming that her liver fails, which seems likeliest -- that she'll be bedridden and more asleep than awake. I probably will be there in between, without them, but who knows. Perhaps things will unravel quickly, and perhaps she will get lucky and have a third month.

So, what to tell them, and when?

All this is, obviously, highly outable, so please mind the sock.

RP, if you're reading this, I've been thinking again and again about your post about what you'd have told your mother if you could go back in time, and if you have any particular wisdom for me, I need it now.

I, too, am very sorry to hear this. As others have said, evaluate the children apart from their ages. Mine (6.5 and almost 4) seem to understand the concept of death (the younger has been full of questions about heaven, both of them talk about their grandparents and great-grandparents who have died, and my older has always seemed pretty matter-of-fact about death...but they haven't been through the experience of someone dying, as opposed to understanding they are gone). I suspect you are right that they both have picked up on something. In my view, if they have, because I think it can be quite unsettling for kids to see their parents sad or worried or upset, I would speak to them. Perhaps separately, with some extra words for the 7 yr old about talking with the 4 yr old. If you've had discussions with them about death before, or if they've raised questions, that's a good reference point. I would expect a lot of questions, and not immediately. I would also tell them that yes, you're sad and why. If yours are like mine, they will get that, and may want to comfort you, which is okay if handled well. They might need some extra reassurance (or, perhaps with the 4 yr old, continue on seemingly blithely) as things go on, but I tend to think that some age-appropriate openness and time to have questions would be steadying for them.

[Antiquity]

Thank you all for the posts above. I would have replied earlier, but there were weird problems with this sock.

The advice to spend as much time there as possible sounds right to me, and I'll be there as much as I can, given work and family constraints.

I'm going to take my kids up in a week or two, and, I'm still struggling with what to tell them. I would be inclined to say that she's sick, and that we're very worried, and to leave it at that. I've read about kids with terminal illnesses and about how they deal with the fact much better than adults expect, but I think telling the kids that she's going to die soon would make it worse for them. But my mother is saying essentially this to friends and family alike. I can't really tell (or expect) her and others to hold their tongues while my kids are around, and if they're going to hear it maybe it would be better to hear it from me in a planned way instead of overhearing something and putting the pieces together themselves.

Anyway, an awful situation, all the way around. Don't ever get pancreatic cancer.

:cry: