Fringey's taut-abbed painter

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by taxwonk


There are few things worse than being married to a drunk or an addict.

Waking up next to Wonk among them...

Now where did I put those Xanax?

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
Semantics. What you just descibed borders on (if not crosses right over into) the definition of embellishment.

I am mainly sure that most of the board will agree I am mainly correct when I say good posters don't post about the impact of embellishment.

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by paigowprincess
Huh? Literally? Metaphorically? Symbolically?

Look here.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
Yeh there is. You'll get that "heart attack" panic attack moment one of these days, and it will cure you of that shit.

Or, you may just get the heart attack moment. That'll cure you of all kinds of shit.

[Watchtower]

Originally posted by mmm3587
A related question is, is it really fair to her and not overly self-centered just to enjoy the fuck out of myself until this shit comes to a head, and then get out? That makes me feel like a bit of a user, having fun and engaging in certain activities I've only had a few chances to do in the past. But I don't really want to wait until she overdoses or is truly baraged by creditors before I jump ship. That would seem like a really shitty thing to do.

I really admire that you are trying to do the right thing. Look into your heart. If you can't see yourself with her much longer, tell her now. I think you're right not to let her breasts, or the three-somes, make up your mind.

If you can see yourself with her, consider a radical change to both your lives. Walk a new road together. Commit to her, but tell her you need to work together on fixing the things that are the problem. She may be shocked and run away, or you may find that you can get through this together.




Marriage is a wonderful thing.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by mmm3587
I could post this as anon, but I'm anon anyway, and I figure that everybody will get off on making fun of me. TM, please at least do some good mentor jokes this time. RP, please find good ways to point out how much of a troll I am. That's cool, but I'm also looking for advice, since I'm sure others have dealt with these kinds of situations.

Anyway, I have been dating someone for the past several months, and we are getting a little more serious. Many aspects of the relationship are really great: she's really fun to be around, very intelligent, very attractive, the sex is great, all our friends like each other, etc.

There are a few problems, though: she is very irresponsible about money and still has massive debt from college and grad school (lawyer-style debt, and she doesn't and probably never will make anywhere near enough money to pay it off quickly), she has all kinds of mental illness in her family and all kinds of crazy stuff in her past and she takes a truly impressive amount of (legitimately prescribed) prescription drugs. She also tends to occasionally drink to absolute drunkedness to the point where she gets lost somewhere in a club or a party and I won't see her for hours because she was off somewhere without a concern in the world.

I'm trying to decide whether I should just run from this relationship before it gets any more serious, or stick it out to see where things go. I really enjoy her company and the relationship, and like her as a person, but I'm worried that those things will fade, and I'll be involved with a drunk junkie with a fucked up family history and massive debt.

I'm not really a believer in the abiity to change a person in a relationship, and the brief discussions about the booze, the pills and occasional coke for her own good have NOT been well-received. I like all that fun stuff, too, but you really have to be careful with the latter two to avoid, well, royally fucking up your life, and I'm concerned that she is or will be pretty close to the line.

It's also a little bit selfish, but I can't help but see that, centris paribus, getting involved with her longterm carries with it a six figure price tag because of her debt and low income. I've got enough ways that I am locked into being a Biglaw lawyer; I don't need any more. I guess that is selfish, but it's certainly relevant.

I think staying with her over all these issues would be the textbook defintion of enabling, even if I (probably) love her. So, I think I am out, but I guess I'm looking for thoughts and advice about these sorts of things. Everyone I know has an opinion, but I thought some of the comments here would be more objective and snipey, which is always fun. Enough people around here seem to be separate, divorced, married or whatever that the different perspectives might be useful, I thought. Jokes are fine, too.

White girl?

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally posted by taxwonk
If you're over 30, the days when you can get away with regular, heavy drug and alcohol abuse and have it written off as good clean fun are behind you (and her). If you've broached the subject and she's gotten defensive and hostile, then you're staring a problem in the face that will get worse long before it gets better. Let her know that if she straightens up, you'll be there to help her through it. But if she doesn't, then flee.

There are few things worse than being married to a drunk or an addict.

Oh lord, you're just as bad the ninny. I didn't slow down my behavior because 30 was the "right time" to do so, or because of some bullshit about how I'm now "an adult". I slowed it down because it got old. You realize after a while that the high ain't half as good if you've been doing it regularly for 17 years. You need to get sober for a while to remeber why you were getting fucked up and why the feeling of being fucked up felt good. Peaks and valleys, so to say.

There are few things worse than people who believe that life is a series of "stages" and as you hit these stages, you have to adjust your behavior to conform to what's acceptable among the average shlub. Nonsense.

[Bad_Rich_Chic]

Originally posted by ironweed
Used to be you could get a definitive ruling on points of etiquette like this. I miss Debtslave . . . <<sniff>>

Well, really I was just going to "2" NCS. Unless you're married to her, why should you give a damn about her debt/spending? Don't loan her $$ and ignore it. If you aren't currently planning to marry or mingle DNA with her, why should you care if craziness runs in her family? Until her or her family's craziness starts affecting you, ignore it.

Everyone's right that you can't change someone else. Only she can change herself. If she pushes for committment, you can tell her "I like you but the drinking/Xanax/debt/craziness is a real issue and I want to continue as we are but I'm not willing to go further under these circumstances." (Yes, that comes close to telling her "you're fun but you're not the marrying type," but tough.) She can then decide if she wants to change or bag it, but you aren't telling her to change.

Anyhow, from the strict etiquette p.o.v., unless related by blood, until you are actually married (some courtesy rights are given to the publicly engaged) all people are free agents who owe each other nothing more than basic courtesy. You have incurred no obligation to help, fix or take any responsibility for her or her family unless and until you decide to get married. Her shit is not your problem. If you're enjoying her company now, there is no etiquette reason that you shouldn't continue to do so for however long it remains fun and, if it goes awry later, break it off then.

[Sidd Finch]

Originally posted by taxwonk
There are few things worse than being married to a drunk or an
addict.

STP wonk. She's a drunk, debt-laden addict who has threesomes with him.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
Waking up next to Wonk among them...

Now where did I put those Xanax?

That's not what you said at the time. Of course, it's hard to talk with your face buried in the pillow and your ass in the air....

[Sidd Finch]

Originally posted by taxwonk
That's not what you said at the time. Of course, it's hard to talk with your face buried in the pillow and your ass in the air....

Especially if your mouth is otherwise occupied.

We know what you Chicagoans are into.

[bold_n_brazen]

Originally posted by taxwonk
That's not what you said at the time. Of course, it's hard to talk with your face buried in the pillow and your ass in the air....

That wasn't me... it was the blow talking.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally posted by taxwonk
Or, you may just get the heart attack moment. That'll cure you of all kinds of shit.

Dude, you have to act like a Hoover Industrial Vac to get to the Lowell George Club.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
Oh lord, you're just as bad the ninny. I didn't slow down my behavior because 30 was the "right time" to do so, or because of some bullshit about how I'm now "an adult". I slowed it down because it got old. You realize after a while that the high ain't half as good if you've been doing it regularly for 17 years. You need to get sober for a while to remeber why you were getting fucked up and why the feeling of being fucked up felt good. Peaks and valleys, so to say.

There are few things worse than people who believe that life is a series of "stages" and as you hit these stages, you have to adjust your behavior to conform to what's acceptable among the average shlub. Nonsense.

Did I say any of the shit you accused me of? What, are you going for the gold in the conclusion-jumping Olympics, numbnuts?

I slowed down aroung 30 because it got to the point where it just wasn't fun putting in a 14 hour day at work with a hangover and two hours sleep. Kids also put a crimp into the party lifestyle. Not to mention that after a while, it's just pathetic to be hanging out at the same places the kids do. Or maybe you're so full of "self-confidence" you misread their contemptuous looks as stares of adulation.

Go find someone else to be a dickhead to. I'm not in the mood.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by Sidd Finch
STP wonk. She's a drunk, debt-laden addict who has threesomes with him.

Sure, it's all fun and games until somebody brings home a biker chick who steals your stereo while you and the floozy are still passed out.