General discussion - Mom and Dad Esq.

[Trepidation_Mom]

Originally posted by lawyer_princess
Have any of you, or anyone you know, ever taken some time off? Frankly, I need a break. I need to a spend more time with my family. I'm stressed out and miserable.

Is it realistic to take off a year and work on my mental health?

I know a couple of people who did this - one for "family" reasons (not sure what, but my impression was it wasn't her direct problem), and one for "if I don't get out of here for a while I'm going to snap and buy an uzi and shoot the place up" reasons.

The first was at my firm. They did tell her they would have a place for her (she was in a small, specialist department and had good relations with the partners, but wasn't a star and didn't possess any uniquely vital, irreplaceable skills that I know of). She ate the year she was off, and I think they may have technically frozen her seniority/pay when she came back to be sure she was really able to pick up where she left off (instead of using the first year back to catch up to where she should have been), but in practice they raised her seniority levels and pay on schedule upon her return. I do know that she was quite pro-active on her return about confronting people she felt were making an assumption about her having gone soft due to the time off, and hassled her department to formally acknowledge that her skills hadn't "backslid" during the year she was gone, other than losing the year itself. She ended up leaving because she didn't feel the department had enough work for her to develop, and they were sincerely sad to see her go but didn't object strenuously or make a counter offer.

The second was at a super-prestigious top 5 NYC firm that shall go unnamed, but which is not known for being a particularly humane place to be. He characterized the year off (which grew to 18 months) as a sabbaticle, I believe to write a book. There was no book, but he returned to work with no problems after the time was up and, to my knowledge, is still on partnership track (probably for the same reasons he nearly snapped - he is a highly strung perfectionist with something to prove).

[lawyer_princess]

for the advice. I'm going to give it some more thought. We can afford it, if we tighten our belts a little. I'm not all that concerned about coming back.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by lawyer_princess
for the advice. I'm going to give it some more thought. We can afford it, if we tighten our belts a little. I'm not all that concerned about coming back.

my wife stayed home and doesn't regret it. our kids are out of elementary now. it happens really fast- she has way better memories of them than I do. The work is boring, thats why people have high post numbers- give the kids a chance- shoot if you don't like it you can always go back.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by lawyer_princess
for the advice. I'm going to give it some more thought. We can afford it, if we tighten our belts a little. I'm not all that concerned about coming back.

Tighten away. We base our "needs" too much on what we're used to, and what we see that we don't already have. I was amazed when we cut our income down to about 40% of what it was, and (after some initial pain) did just fine.

You really don't NEED that fur sink.

[Atticus Grinch]

Originally posted by bilmore
You really don't NEED that fur sink.

Concur. The fur bidet is another story.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
my wife stayed home and doesn't regret it. our kids are out of elementary now. it happens really fast- she has way better memories of them than I do. The work is boring, thats why people have high post numbers- give the kids a chance- shoot if you don't like it you can always go back.

We're getting there (damn, you must be old) and the issue that we see looming is, what does the staying-at-home one do when the kids are at home less and less? In our case, so far, the volunteer opportunities are there, but, four or six years down the road, there's going to be a need to get back into an outside occupation. The hardest part is for the former overachiever to be looking at starter spots again, not so much for money, but because the need to be at home will be gone, and minds wither if you don't use them.

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by bilmore
we cut our income down to about 40% of what it was

this explains a LOT. sure, you haven't changed.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by ltl/fb
this explains a LOT. sure, you haven't changed.

The change occurred about seven years ago.

Originally posted by bilmore
...minds wither if you don't use them.

Um...I'm not sure I like what you're implying here.

Another idea is doing work from home - for yourself or doing a little contract work after - or instead of - taking some time off. When you count commute time, tolls, daycare, maid, car expenses, etc., it doesn't take that much income to equal your old salary anyway, or at least enough to live on without buying Ramen in bulk. You can limit the hours to whatever you are comfortable with - I don't ever put in more than 15/wk and have surpassed my (admittedly puny) salary from last year. (just - don't neglect to pay your quarterlies to the IRS or you get a nasty surprise in April.)

Of course, it depends what type of work you do, but for the most part it can definitely be done. And there's no better feeling than billing in your P.J.'s because you just didn't get around to changing because you were busy playing with the baby - and realizing the client probably thinks you are wearing a suit.

-TL

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by bilmore
We're getting there (damn, you must be old) and the issue that we see looming is, what does the staying-at-home one do when the kids are at home less and less? In our case, so far, the volunteer opportunities are there, but, four or six years down the road, there's going to be a need to get back into an outside occupation. The hardest part is for the former overachiever to be looking at starter spots again, not so much for money, but because the need to be at home will be gone, and minds wither if you don't use them.

I said out of elementary honey, I'm younger than you, i think. My wife has been doing some things like computer video work/ framing/ on her own.
She could be a para-legal got burnt out a job ago.

[viet_mom]

Originally posted by lawyer_princess
Have any of you, or anyone you know, ever taken some time off? Frankly, I need a break. I need to a spend more time with my family. I'm stressed out and miserable. Is it realistic to take off a year and work on my mental health?

Of course it is. As for the economics....there's only one salary (mine) in this household (AND I only work part time so it's a part time salary, AND I live in a high-cost-of-living place). Yet we live in a comfortable (rented) place, we ALWAYS have enough money for everything we need and want (realistically), have great health insurance, zero debt (despite 40K in adoption costs, paid in cash) and a fully-paid-for car. It CAN be done. (But we don't have a fur sink. Drats.)

I question whether you really want or need a leave of absence. Is it the hours at your job (or stress there) that is killing you? If so, you might want to consider a new job elsewhere OR a part time position either at your current firm, or a new place. I have a hard time imagining going back to a place I left for one year. Things may change on both sides of the equation (or one). Also, after a year you may not want to go back to the same thing (or people or files) and want something fresh.

Anyhow, if you are stressed enough to up and leave, why not first approach your firm with a part time option? If they say no, then you can simply leave; if part time doesn't work you can then leave for good or for a year (though regardless of whether you first requested part time before taking a sabbatical, the job may not be open after a year no matter what they say). Part time at your firm may not work - for a number of reasons. Maybe your firm says yes to part time but the people you work with (or clients) can't in actual practice handle the part time element when it comes to expectations about work load and such. My friend went part time and and the partner she worked with assured her em would be hip to the part time thing but then em would forward so many voice mails from clients with the intro message, "Please handle this....do this or that...etc." and by 7 am the next morning she'd have her plate full such that even Wonderwoman couldn't complete the tasks without having to work full time (and then some). She hated getting frantic voice and emails from clients and the partner asking where such and such project was. She left and went in house.

BUT....it MIGHT work. It works for me. Been doing it 4 years. If it doesn't work, at least you will have tried it. Going from full time to part time is an INCREDIBLY big change. Depending on the day, or hour, or how busy your practice group is at a given time, there is usually the chance to do the following in the middle of the day during a workweek: a long bath, working out, cooking a special meal, lingering to chat at the supermarket, and dawdling around with your baby - both of you in pajamas -- till all hours of the morning/afternoon without watching the clock. You can now schedule a doctor's appointment during a work day. You can make a hair appointment for 2 pm in the afternoon. YOU CAN HAVE A NAP. If you have flex time, you can work a 12 hour day on an important project and HAVE THE STAMINA to do a great job because the day before you spent the day at the park, albeit with your cell phone in case the office needs to contact you.

Bottom line: don't underestimate the level of stress that can potentially be lifted by going from full to part time. You suggest you need a year to work on your mental health. You'd be surprised how quick you'll bounce back after experiencing the joys of watching commuters rush to make their trains as you knoodle around town with your coffee and kiddie on a Tuesday morning trying to decide whether to have the chocolate or the apple croissant.

Please keep us posted.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by TexLex
Um...I'm not sure I like what you're implying here.

If that was insulting, then I was unclear.

What I meant was, when a high-performing person chooses to step out for the sake of raising kids instead of the personally satisfying achievement track, and then the kids grow up to the point where the attention isn't needed as much, the high-performing person is still gonna need some focus. If they don't substitute for the kids with some other focus when that stage occurs, it's not gonna be pretty, because suddenly that high-performing person is gonna be without focus. Recipe for disaster, I think.

[bilmore]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
I said out of elementary honey, I'm younger than you, i think. My wife has been doing some things like computer video work/ framing/ on her own.
She could be a para-legal got burnt out a job ago.

I still have two in elementary, dear. Course, I started having kids in my seventies, so maybe I'm atypical.

[lawyer_princess]

I did part-time for a while after I had the second one, when the first one was 2 1/2 to 3. It was just what I needed at the time. It's not really an option now. I know for sure that I want to take time off, at least a year, if not longer, much much longer.

Unfortunately, I still don't have the courage to bring it up with my husband. I know I need to just bite the bullet and talk to him, but I'm nervous about it.

How long is a baby supposed to spit up for? The Lexling is a puking champ and at 5mos, shows no signs of stopping. I feed him at an incline and try not to jiggle him afterward other than burping him, but it's clearly not enough. I tried adding a cereal meal in the afternoons, thinking something more solid would stay down, but nope - right back up.

It doesn't bother him at all and it doesn't shoot more than a few inches, so the ped says it's not reflux and needs no treatment. He only eats 6oz/ feeding or less, but the volume of spit up is pretty substantial - I usually see between .5 and 3oz per feeding again - occasionally more.

I figure this is just something he will grow out of, but any suggestions are welcome - I'm on my 3rd shirt of the day and have resorted to stripping him down to his diapers and a bib!

On the plus side, the tummy pain he had been having for the last few months seems to have gone - not that he can't fart with the best of them, but it just doesn't seem to bother him much anymore.

-T(soggy)L