Where the Kids Come to Mouth Off

[spookyfish]

Originally posted by tmdiva
Anybody catch the third season premiere and the absolute train wreck that is Brigitte Nielsen? Her face is not much aged, but I can't say the same for her ass. You know you're in trouble when the sane people in the house are Dave Coulier and Charo.

tm

I'm ashamed to admit I saw this too. (I'm a sucker for Bands Reunited, and it was on right after.) I disagree with respect to Brigitte Nielsen. She has aged horribly -- her face is that of at least a two-pack-a-day smoker, and she was drunk practically from the time she entered the house.

I would agree that Charo and Coulier are the most "normal". Ryan Starr seems to be pretty normal, too, but she hasn't had the "career" most of the others have. It's also amazing that Charo hasn't seemed to age much at all. Flavor Flav is funny as hell. I thought it was pretty inspired when they showed how he couldn't place a single one of the other celebrities initially, and his reaction when it finally dawned on him who some of them were. Also funny was when Brigitte popped Flav in the face, and he said later, "Well, normally, if someone did that, I'd beat they ass, but I'm trying to get along here."

That guy from New Kids, Justin needs to wake up and realize he's no longer relevant and never was, except to 12-year-old girls, like 20 years ago. Jesus, I've never seen such a prima donna attitude attached to so little talent. Barricading himself in his room with those crates, because he needed his "privacy". What a little bitch. It was a great moment when Flav told him, after he figured out who he was, "You're one of the Old Kids on the Block now."

I may have to watch more of this trainwreck now.

[Replaced_Texan]

Usually around Labor day, someone hauls out the Sparks Purity test, and we all check against last year. I started off at 45% pure in 2001, went down to 30% in 2002, and I was at 25% in 2003.

I'd love to see how much more debauched I am now, but I can't find the baseline test. The Spark seems to have removed it from their website.

Anyone have an old copy of the test? (hint: search for "eyeball licking")

ETA: It appears that the Spark has revamped and is aimed at being a study "resource" for kids. I guess the eyeball licking crowd isn't hanging around there anymore.

[spookyfish]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
ETA: It appears that the Spark has revamped and is aimed at being a study "resource" for kids. I guess the eyeball licking crowd isn't hanging around there anymore.

A number of them don't appear to be hanging out here anymore, either.

[Not Bob]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
ETA: It appears that the Spark has revamped and is aimed at being a study "resource" for kids. I guess the eyeball licking crowd isn't hanging around there anymore.

Well, that sucks. I was really looking forward to my annual internal debate about whether my increasing purity scores are due to lying or senility.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
Usually around Labor day, someone hauls out the Sparks Purity test, and we all check against last year. I started off at 45% pure in 2001, went down to 30% in 2002, and I was at 25% in 2003.

I'd love to see how much more debauched I am now, but I can't find the baseline test. The Spark seems to have removed it from their website.

Anyone have an old copy of the test? (hint: search for "eyeball licking")

ETA: It appears that the Spark has revamped and is aimed at being a study "resource" for kids. I guess the eyeball licking crowd isn't hanging around there anymore.

Eyeball licking never really did anything for me. Might be different if I try it with a partner, though.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
Eyeball licking never really did anything for me. Might be different if I try it with a partner, though.

Don't get your heart set. Until you quit licking peoples assholes, you might have trouble convincing people to let you lick their eyeballs.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
Don't get your heart set. Until you quit licking peoples assholes, you might have trouble convincing people to let you lick their eyeballs.

I'll give it some thought. Will it do the same for my career?

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
I'll give it some thought. Will it do the same for my career?

F' liberal arts majors! One kisses ass- one licks eyeballs. Both a-ok. Your problem is you've been french kissing ass. Can you see the difference?

[Replaced_Texan]

This time, the bride and groom had the audacity to tell me how much they like me and asked me to perform the service. In a moment of weakness, I agreed. So not only do I have to figure out what to wear, but I also have to figure out what to say. Anyone have any experience marrying a couple? Hints? Suggestions?

It's so much easier being a bridesmaid. You don't actually have to do anything, and your precence or absence doesn't have any impact on whether the wedding happens.

[barely_legal]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
This time, the bride and groom had the audacity to tell me how much they like me and asked me to perform the service. In a moment of weakness, I agreed. So not only do I have to figure out what to wear, but I also have to figure out what to say. Anyone have any experience marrying a couple? Hints? Suggestions?

It's so much easier being a bridesmaid. You don't actually have to do anything, and your precence or absence doesn't have any impact on whether the wedding happens.

Damn those douchebags for liking you enough to want you to be an integral part of the happiest day of their lives! And they aren't even letting you wear a bridesmaid dress.

For advice on what to say, I would watch the very special episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler got married. Or you can watch one of the myriad episodes of the Love Boat where Capt. Steubing married two b-list tv stars. I'm sure there's a Happy Days episode where Fonzie performed a marriage ceremony too. mmmm.....the Fonz.

[taxwonk]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
This time, the bride and groom had the audacity to tell me how much they like me and asked me to perform the service. In a moment of weakness, I agreed. So not only do I have to figure out what to wear, but I also have to figure out what to say. Anyone have any experience marrying a couple? Hints? Suggestions?

It's so much easier being a bridesmaid. You don't actually have to do anything, and your precence or absence doesn't have any impact on whether the wedding happens.

Surely there must be an appropriate episode of South Park from which you can draw inspiration?

[Gattigap]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
This time, the bride and groom had the audacity to tell me how much they like me and asked me to perform the service. In a moment of weakness, I agreed. So not only do I have to figure out what to wear, but I also have to figure out what to say. Anyone have any experience marrying a couple? Hints? Suggestions?

It's so much easier being a bridesmaid. You don't actually have to do anything, and your precence or absence doesn't have any impact on whether the wedding happens.

Ask, my child, and Google shall provide.

18 variations of ceremony remarks to choose from. Whew! Tell us more about the happy couple and we can tailor the remarks appropriately. Hopefully, eyeball licking will not need to be part of this ceremony, but we can work it in if need be.

[baltassoc]

Originally posted by Gattigap
Ask, my child, and Google shall provide.

18 variations of ceremony remarks to choose from. Whew! Tell us more about the happy couple and we can tailor the remarks appropriately. Hopefully, eyeball licking will not need to be part of this ceremony, but we can work it in if need be.

I think you need something shorter:

RT: Do you?
M: Un Hun.
Rt: And do you?
W: I do.
RT: Rings?
[M & W exchange rings]
RT: You can now kiss the bride. Y'all's hitched. Let's eat.

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by Replaced_Texan
This time, the bride and groom had the audacity to tell me how much they like me and asked me to perform the service. In a moment of weakness, I agreed. So not only do I have to figure out what to wear, but I also have to figure out what to say. Anyone have any experience marrying a couple? Hints? Suggestions?

It's so much easier being a bridesmaid. You don't actually have to do anything, and your precence or absence doesn't have any impact on whether the wedding happens.

I am ignorant. How does one get to be an officiant of weddings? Don't you have to be a minister or a sea captain or justice of the peace (I think that may be just a Canadian term) or magistrate or mayor or something? Can any old Tom or Dick do it? (no offense)

(Please tell me you're a sea captain. I would like that. Ahoy!!)

[Replaced_Texan]

Originally posted by Gattigap
Ask, my child, and Google shall provide.

18 variations of ceremony remarks to choose from. Whew! Tell us more about the happy couple and we can tailor the remarks appropriately. Hopefully, eyeball licking will not need to be part of this ceremony, but we can work it in if need be.

Hmmm. That's helpful. My problem is that I don't want to be cheesy at all, but since this isn't going to be a traditional wedding at all, I have a lot more flexibility than if I were working off a script. I'm hesitant to put in sappy song lyrics and movie quotes, though she's a pop culture junkie and I know she'd like something like that. I don't want to go overboard, and I don't want it to be longer than absolutely necessary. Obviously if they're asking me to do it, hellfire and eternal damnation aren't really major concerns for them. I think she's ex-Catholic, Universal Unitarian, and I'm not sure about him. I haven't asked about ritualistic eyeball licking.