Fashion Board 1-08-04 through 02-03-04

[bilmore]

Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
I would brag about this everyday to anyone who would listen.

But then you'd be out of things to talk about, and people would look at you blankly and wander off, and all you'd have to do then would be to have sex with your husband, and you would quickly get pregnant, probably multiple times.

All in all, you're better off working.

[Sparklehorse]

Originally posted by Fashionable But Anonymous
This is what I believe. Em has come very close to acknowledging this, too, but is against medication.

I actually think it is dysthmia - which is a milder, longer-term form of depression - combined with a bit of social and general anxiety disorder.

Does medication really help? I've heard it can make the person more pleasant, but can have a negative impact on that person's libido. Obviously, this would help one problem, but exacerbate the other.

To the person who asked about other problems, I don't think there are any. We both enjoy our jobs and have good realationships with each other's families.

Lack of friends is sort of an issue, but that goes back to the bit of social anxiety my spouse has, which means we don't go out much.

To be sure, I am not the perfect spouse. I'm positive my spouse has issues with me, but I do my best to address them when they are identified and commented on.

While the marriage counseling advice is clearly good, if your spouse feels like there's nothing more to talk about, you may want to think about individual counseling for yourself. It could help you sort through your feelings and also provide you with some new strategies for approaching your spouse with your concerns. This could probably be done in a few sessions if you can find a truly good therapist. The problem is about 80-90% of the therapists out there suck ass.

Good luck with it all.

[leagleaze]

Originally posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy
No, no, no. Very different things. Lot's of people here are arrogant. Arrogant is easy.

Imperious requires authority and self-confidence; it is cool, calm, and certain, rather than aggressive and obnoxious. Understated instead of overstated. Don't be arrogant. Be imperious.

--Troubletown

How fun.

I'll be more imperious in the future.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by bilmore
But then you'd be out of things to talk about, and people would look at you blankly and wander off...

They do this anyway.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally posted by Fashionable But Anonymous
This is what I believe. Em has come very close to acknowledging this, too, but is against medication.

I actually think it is dysthmia - which is a milder, longer-term form of depression - combined with a bit of social and general anxiety disorder.

Does medication really help? I've heard it can make the person more pleasant, but can have a negative impact on that person's libido. Obviously, this would help one problem, but exacerbate the other.

To the person who asked about other problems, I don't think there are any. We both enjoy our jobs and have good realationships with each other's families.

Lack of friends is sort of an issue, but that goes back to the bit of social anxiety my spouse has, which means we don't go out much.

To be sure, I am not the perfect spouse. I'm positive my spouse has issues with me, but I do my best to address them when they are identified and commented on.

Worry leads to depression, and there's only one cure for worry - security. Security generally comes from good health, good friends and money to do what you want to do. Em is missing one or all of these items. Figure out which one(s) and fix it. If it can't be fixed, go get the pills.

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
WTF is with the ads for Friends nowadays? Every single episode is apparently a special touching, emotional episode, with heartwrenching music and hugging and crying. I thought the fucking show was a sitcom. Am I wrong here? Admittedly I only have watched episodes in syndication for the last five years or so. Are people really that emotionally involved in whether Monica and Chandler have a child?

I was just glad to hear that they were able to sign Marcel to the Thanksgiving Reunion show.

[Bad_Rich_Chic]

Originally posted by bilmore
You'll get lots of other advice, but, at the very least, be incredibly careful in the birth control area.

Concur 110%.

While joint counselling, preferably with someone entitled to a prescription pad, sounds like an excellent idea, be aware that this could be in part (or large part) 7-year itch. Everyone knows on some level that relationships are cyclical - you're more or less interested, more or less in luuurve, feel more or less burdened or committed. Some people are sursprised to discover that the cycle may include down periods that are years long.

You love em, so it seems obviously worth working on until the sheer hopelessness of it all becomes apparent, which it doesn't sound like you think it is. Yet. But it would be stupid to increase your exit costs given the uncertainty.

Oh, and the antidepressants/anxiety meds - some of them decrease libido (some don't decrease libido but just decrease the ability to have orgasms, which sounds particularly sucky to me), but others don't and Drs. are getting more and more experience adjusting dosage and drug combos to minimize those effects. Another side effect, depending on what the spouse does or what em is like, is that they can have an overall leveling effect on the personality - this may be good and exactly the needed effect, or the spouse may lose some "edge" in some way that is particularly detrimental (people in particularly cereberal or imaginative fields, like artists and scientists, sometimes find this effect unacceptable). You won't know unless em tries, though. I sympathize - I don't even take asprin, generally, and I find the idea of antidepressants/etc to be particularly horrifying (images of Bedlam, Ritalin zombies, etc.). But I've also seen the benefits they can have and they can be wonderful. Maybe if em realized how distressed you are, em will be willing to try and you two can see if they work in em's situation.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Originally posted by Greedy,Greedy,Greedy
Can you identify one or two big sources for the negativity other than issues between the two of you (e.g., job, other family, lack of friends, etc.)

My reaction to the original post is that the poster doesn't really seem to have a handle on what's going on with the spouse. Negativity strikes me as a symptom of something else. If the spouse doesn't want to go to counselling, go alone.

[evenodds]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
Worry leads to depression, and there's only one cure for worry - security. Security generally comes from good health, good friends and money to do what you want to do. Em is missing one or all of these items. Figure out which one(s) and fix it. If it can't be fixed, go get the pills.

As much as I hate to agree with Sebby, he's right here.

The other thing you might recommend to your spouse is some serious hardcore exercise. An hour or two of intense sweating often accomplishes the same thing as the little pills.

Also, for whoever mentioned the sexual side effects of antidepressants, wellbutrin doesn't have the same problems as prozac, etc. The OM is back on wellbutrin to kick his smoking habit (again) and it works without destroying his sex drive.

[baltassoc]

Originally posted by taxwonk
I am somewhat familiar with what you're going through. If you waant to PM me, we can talk in greater detail if you'd like. On the other hand, if this is just someone fucking around, then bite me.

Ditto for me, except substitute "very familiar" for "somewhat familiar." You may be my doppelganger, or married to my ex-wife, or both.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
I totally disagree. If you're smart and hot and normal, you'll scare away the guys that aren't smarter than you, you'll only be hit on by guys that aren't nearly as hot as they think they are, and you'll only be attracted to asshole-y guys who play drums in a local band or who tend bar at your local watering hole. You'll have tons of guy friends who can't understand why you can't meet a guy, cause hell, all they are really looking for is someone just like you.

You'll sit on a bar stool looking dreamily at drummer/barkeep sipping your light beer out of a bottle while everyone in the bar thinks "what the hell is that smart, hot, normal girl doing here all alone?"

You make some really good points here.

a. Guys don't know their attractiveness. I have seen some really ugly guys try to land hotties and thought "Jesus, this is fucking embarrassing. Have some pride, man..." Guidos do this shit a lot. Here's a tip, Vincent -- If you're wearing a gold chain and your hair could support Christmas ornaments, don't hit on a chick who looks like she was the hottest blode at UVA... or even Villanova.

b. Bullshit that men are intimidated by a chick smarter than they are. You think I want to talk nonsense with a personal trainer all night? If you're street smart AND book smart, I'm really digging your shit. Nothing's better than a chick with a little cynicism/wisdom about things.

c. I know the valedictorian who gang banged the lax team. She's an idiot usually raised in a rather sheltered community where no one needed street smarts. But hey, God bless her. She's the chick who gives everyone the memories that make youth so wonderful.

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by Did you just call me Coltrane?
I would brag about this everyday to anyone who would listen. It sounds wonderful (sans kids).

I know you don't really believe this. Everyone thinks that not having to work would rock. But unless you're 60, who would you hang out with? It's not like summer break when you can hang out with your buddies. Your buddies will be working and you'll be at home with your X-Box, which would be fun for awhile, but still it would end up sucking.

Aside from that, never having a job makes for an incomplete personality.

That said, husband says he would love to retire, make me the sole breadwinner and he promised to clean the house, shop and cook everyday - as well as do lunch and pilates. Then, one day home sick and he's climbing the walls - when are you coming home? I'm bored. Blah blah blah.

So it boils down to...you're a liar.

[Sparklehorse]

The New Yorker has a piece about Larry David this week:

http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?040119fa_fact

[greatwhitenorthchick]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
I know you don't really believe this. Everyone thinks that not
That said, husband says he would love to retire, make me the sole breadwinner and he promised to clean the house, shop and cook everyday - as well as do lunch and pilates. Then, one day home sick and he's climbing the walls - when are you coming home? I'm bored. Blah blah blah.

So it boils down to...you're a liar.

Actually, when I was between jobs once (I had one lined up so I didn't have to spend my time looking for a job), I had three months off. I travelled for a few weeks, then spent the rest of time at home. It was totally great. If I wanted to work out for three hours, I could. If I wanted to meet a friend for lunch, I could. If I wanted to paint all day, I could. I would love to not work (and still have money). I think I could easily find enough stuff to do to occupy every day for the rest of my life.

Lottery winner sounds better and better.

[evenodds]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
I know you don't really believe this. Everyone thinks that not having to work would rock. But unless you're 60, who would you hang out with? It's not like summer break when you can hang out with your buddies. Your buddies will be working and you'll be at home with your X-Box, which would be fun for awhile, but still it would end up sucking.

Aside from that, never having a job makes for an incomplete personality.

That said, husband says he would love to retire, make me the sole breadwinner and he promised to clean the house, shop and cook everyday - as well as do lunch and pilates. Then, one day home sick and he's climbing the walls - when are you coming home? I'm bored. Blah blah blah.

So it boils down to...you're a liar.

Clearly, you've never not worked. It's glorious and you would be amazed at the number of things you can do that do not involve picking up a paycheck.

Aside from the abilty to hit both pilates and the gym, have lunch at the club and meet friends for cocktails, you have more than enough time to work on that book or screenplay you've always wanted to write or volunteer for the charity you've always just written checks to. I loved writing press releases for foundations because I felt like it and flying home to spend weeks with my family (okay, I still do that). I liked planning parties and fundraisers . . . all things I could not do, or as easily, if I were working fifty or sixty hours a week.

Trust me, if I could have stayed retired, I would still be the happiest woman in the world.