Fashion Board 6-9-04 to 7-13-04

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
I exclaim "Great. I can finally start masturbating again."

You EXCLAIM? this reads like a Hardy Boy's story, but made racy for the modern times.

[sebastian_dangerfield]

Originally posted by Hank Chinaski
You EXCLAIM? this reads like a Hardy Boy's story, but made racy for the modern times.

It was really more of an ejaculation, and, yes, I was feeling rather hardy at the moment.

[sunnybunny]

Originally posted by the Spartan
Righteous! Can I look forward to such generous gifting when we eventually date?

Don't tease, Penske, it's not nice. You're just buttering me up because I said I wanted a Merlin instead of an engagement ring.


Keeping the rubber side down,

Bunny

[Shape Shifter]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
It was really more of any ejaculation, and, yes, I was feeling rather hardy at the moment.

Wow. You really do get off looking at asses.

[Not Bob]

Originally posted by bold_n_brazen
[to sunny's vegetarian wedding idea]So the idea would be to impose your views on others?

This is a bad idea... (see generally southern baptist weddings with no booze).

As opposed to, say, making your non-Catholic friends sit through a nuptial Mass?

Jesus, people. Sunny, it's your wedding. Do what you want. If you think that meat is murder, serve tofu. If your budget forces you to choose between including 300 people with a cash bar or 100 with an open bar, and you don't want to exclude your husband to be's second cousins from Ho-Ho-Kis, then go cash bar. The wedding is for you; it ain't for your friends who like beef, or who are planning to get smashed on the free Bushmills, or who are bored with your religious traditions.

Granted, we will grumble to our spouses about all of it, but if that's the way that you and Kip want to celebrate your marriage ....

[Atticus Grinch]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
This raises the most annoying practice of all at weddings: The bride or groom's parent telling the room how much he/she'd like grandchildren. Tasteless. Why no just say "Hey, everybody, close your eye and think about the couple fucking."

While I agree I don't want to hear the bride's father publicly urge the groom to mount her and lay his seed upon her fertile crescent with great dispatch, I disagree about the sexual imagery of the couple. A well-designed wedding is so loaded with subtle sexual innuendo that it's the ceremony, not the reception, that primes the pump for hookups among the single guests.

The best weddings I've attended have been the ones before which neither the bride nor the groom has ever seen fit to discuss their sex lives with me, and I can maintain the distant illusion that they're about to experience the mysteries of love for the first time. Granted, the odds are about 800:1 against this ever being true, but the symbolism of the wedding ceremony is magnified when the bride and groom didn't arrive at the chapel in the same car after rolling out of bed together.

One friend of mine was so old-fashioned and scrupulous that I put the odds at about 2:1 that he hadn't ever banged his bride-to-be before the wedding night. I seriously doubt he was a virgin, but he put his now-wife on such a recockulous pedestal that he probably didn't want to soil the experience of marital bliss by dabbling in it too early. I may just ask him when he and I are both 80.

[Not Bob]

Originally posted by dtb
Speaking of weddings, I received a proposal the other day from my son (he's 5). Not a proposal, I suppose, more of statement of fact. (It was a hug and a "Mommy, I want to marry you.")

Oedipus, Schmedipus; I think it was sweet.

Sweet? Please. See how sweet Mr. Bill thinks it is when he's slain by the lad in a decade or so. "Oh Noooooo!," indeed.

[sunnybunny]

Originally posted by Not Bob
As opposed to, say, making your non-Catholic friends sit through a nuptial Mass?

Jesus, people. Sunny, it's your wedding. Do what you want. If you think that meat is murder, serve tofu. If your budget forces you to choose between including 300 people with a cash bar or 100 with an open bar, and you don't want to exclude your husband to be's second cousins from Ho-Ho-Kis, then go cash bar. The wedding is for you; it ain't for your friends who like beef, or who are planning to get smashed on the free Bushmills, or who are bored with your religious traditions.

Granted, we will grumble to our spouses about all of it, but if that's the way that you and Kip want to celebrate your marriage ....

Actually, what I'm thinking is fish or veggie. That wouldn't upset me as much as dead cows. I don't EVER preach to anyone about eating anything (except maybe a comment or two about veal every now and again) but I'm not sure I want my or my family's money buying 3000 steaks. I'm sure it will be open, open, open bar though because Mr. Bunny's friends can drink like rock stars. I'm drawing the line (so to speak) at coke in the bathrooms though.

[sunnybunny]

Originally posted by dtb
Speaking of weddings, I received a proposal the other day from my son (he's 5). Not a proposal, I suppose, more of statement of fact. (It was a hug and a "Mommy, I want to marry you.")

Oedipus, Schmedipus; I think it was sweet.

Well, at least it was your son. I told my mother I was going to marry her too. And I'm a girl, which would throw up even more hurdles.

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by Mmmm, Burger (C.J.)
That's because Greg Norman retired the category in 1996.

Only temporarily, my friend. Jean Van de Velde reopened it at the British. Norman's was tough because it looked like he had no game whatsoever. Van de Velde's was sheer stupidity. If Els had a 6 stroke lead going into yesterday, we'd all be talking about Norman and Van de Velde a lot more today.

TM

[the Spartan]

Originally posted by Atticus Grinch

One friend of mine was so old-fashioned and scrupulous that I put the odds at about 2:1 that he hadn't ever banged his bride-to-be before the wedding night.

I have been to one wedding where I was assured that this was the case. The groom was not a virgin although I have heard lament that such was the case, the bride may have been.

eta: ironically, in a coincidental way, it was the same wedding at which I checked into the hotel room in cleveland and found a steaming surprise in the toilette, as I detailed last week.

[Did you just call me Coltrane?]

Originally posted by sunnybunny
Actually, what I'm thinking is fish or veggie. That wouldn't upset me as much as dead cows. I don't EVER preach to anyone about eating anything (except maybe a comment or two about veal every now and again) but I'm not sure I want my or my family's money buying 3000 steaks. I'm sure it will be open, open, open bar though because Mr. Bunny's friends can drink like rock stars. I'm drawing the line (so to speak) at coke in the bathrooms though.

This woudn't bother me at all, but I love fish and will basically eat anything placed in front of me.

FWIW, I attended a reception that had an open bar from 8 PM until 5 AM. The reception didn't spontaneously extend until the wee hours. It was planned. Good lord. Of course, it wasn't an American wedding. It seems that other countries throw better parties than us.

[Gattigap]

Originally posted by Atticus Grinch
One friend of mine was so old-fashioned and scrupulous that I put the odds at about 2:1 that he hadn't ever banged his bride-to-be before the wedding night. I seriously doubt he was a virgin, but he put his now-wife on such a recockulous pedestal that he probably didn't want to soil the experience of marital bliss by dabbling in it too early. I may just ask him when he and I are both 80.

Ah, let's end the suspense. I banged her, OK?

Months, days, minutes before the ceremony. How could any redblooded male wait? She's smokin'.

[Pretty Little Flower]

Originally posted by Atticus Grinch
While I agree I don't want to hear the bride's father publicly urge the groom to mount her and lay his seed upon her fertile crescent with great dispatch, I disagree about the sexual imagery of the couple. A well-designed wedding is so loaded with subtle sexual innuendo that it's the ceremony, not the reception, that primes the pump for hookups among the single guests.

DO NOT DO THE GLASS CLINKY-CLINKY THING TO TRY TO GET THE NEWLYWEDS TO KISS. It is not funny. It is not cute. It is nothing more than confirmation that you are so fucking boring that you are unable to come up with decent conversation, so you resort to little wedding gimmicks instead, knowing that all the other too-fucking-boring-to-converse lemmings around you will join in your clinky-clink jackassery and then giggle like the dim-witted morons that you all are when the couple actually kisses.

I will change my opinion on this issue only when people devise some new signal at weddings to force the newlyweds to perform far more elaborate sexual acts for the guests.

[Diane_Keaton]

Originally posted by sebastian_dangerfield
This raises the most annoying practice of all at weddings: The bride or groom's parent telling the room how much he/she'd like grandchildren. Tasteless. Why no just say "Hey, everybody, close your eye and think about the couple fucking."

It's tasteless not because of the imagery, but because it is unfunny in the same tired way asking a tall person if they play basketball is. Other annoying wedding practices:

1. Best man speech implying he and groom were wild and crazy guys, with vague implication debauchery involved use & abuse of hot-looking women, until along came Sally (the bride) who changed everything forever. Unfunny b/c we know they were both nerds and the groom is "marrying up" in the cool-department. Why do nerds suddenly get to become known as "former lotharios" on their wedding day?

2. Wedding favors. Don't do me any! (Unless they can be recycled as small holiday gifts, which would not include an apple-shaped tin with a candle inside).

3. Sending me a wallet-sized pic of the bride and groom 2 weeks later. That pic fits nicely in the wallet known as the trash can in my apartment lobby.

4. Failure to have a petit four table. A Sunday afternoon wedding of a work aquaintance, featuring a harp and classical guitar, (and therefore no chance of kitschy fun drunkenly passing a Tequila bottle down a Conga line of 350 people on a Saturday night to the tune of "Hot, Hot, Hot") had better have a lot of food at all times in all courses because the food's the only reason we're there.

5. The expectation that I stand and cry while the bride dances to 1/16th of some song with her Dad, like it's the pinnacle of something or other.

6. Seating me with retarded and semi-retarded wedding guests and apparently expecting me to take pics of the table of us with those cheap disposable cameras in the middle of the centerpiece?

7. Fruit as centerpiece. It's not THAT ironic!