Funniest Line on Television
 

In context, that's a strong competitor for funniest line uttered on television, period. I think it was preceded by "If I can't find a dress to wear for Col. Butler, it'll be curtains," or maybe I'm conflating it with an older joke. My nominations for funniest line on television ever would be:

"Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos."

"I'm the luckiest man on the face of the Earth, now that Lou Gehrig is dead."

As much as I hate to do it, I'll give runner-up status to "Monica: 'Hey, the camera adds ten pounds!' / Chandler: 'How many cameras are on you?'" And at that moment, "Friends" stopped being funny.

Desparately seeking.....
 

I will echo that point. And problems that result from drunken dropping are not covered by warranty.

me<----- drunken dropper

Ouch.
 

This was on Leno the other night, but it's funny nonetheless. -TL

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_S.../H_2562_19.jpg

Tsunami warning
 

A great earthquake occurred at 19:50:08 (UTC) on Thursday, September 25, 2003. The magnitude 8.0 event has been located in the HOKKAIDO, JAPAN REGION. (This event has been reviewed by a seismologist.)

A TSUNAMI HAS BEEN GENERATED WHICH COULD CAUSE DAMAGE TO THE
PACIFIC COAST. THEREFORE PERSONS IN LOW LYING COASTAL AREAS
SHOULD BE ALERT TO INSTRUCTIONS FROM THEIR LOCAL EMERGENCY
OFFICIALS. PERSONS ON THE BEACH SHOULD MOVE TO HIGHER GROUND IF
IN A WARNED AREA. TSUNAMI WAVE HEIGHTS CANNOT BE PREDICTED.
TSUNAMIS MAY BE A SERIES OF WAVES WHICH COULD BE DANGEROUS FOR
SEVERAL HOURS AFTER THE INITIAL WAVE ARRIVAL.

OBSERVED TSUNAMI HEIGHTS:
HANASAKI JAPAN 213CM/7.0FT
URAKAWA JAPAN 150CM/4.9FT


usgs.org your source for all earthquake related items

ALL(CAPS) IS WELL; REMAIN CALM
 

TSUNAMI WARNING IS CANCELLED FOR ALL COASTAL AREAS AND ISLANDS
IN THE PACIFIC.

AN EARTHQUAKE HAS OCCURRED WITH THESE PRELIMINARY PARAMETERS

ORIGIN TIME - 1950Z 25 SEP 2003
COORDINATES - 42.1 NORTH 143.6 EAST
LOCATION - EASTERN HONSHU JAPAN
MAGNITUDE - 8.1

EVALUATION

SEA LEVEL READINGS INDICATE A TSUNAMI WAS GENERATED. IT MAY HAVE
BEEN DESTRUCTIVE ALONG COASTS NEAR THE EARTHQUAKE EPICENTER. FOR
THOSE AREAS - WHEN NO MAJOR WAVES ARE OBSERVED FOR TWO HOURS
AFTER THE ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL OR DAMAGING WAVES HAVE NOT
OCCURRED FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS THEN LOCAL AUTHORITIES CAN ASSUME
THE THREAT IS PASSED. DANGER TO BOATS AND COASTAL STRUCTURES CAN
CONTINUE FOR SEVERAL HOURS DUE TO RAPID CURRENTS. AS LOCAL
CONDITIONS CAN CAUSE A WIDE VARIATION IN TSUNAMI WAVE ACTION THE
ALL CLEAR DETERMINATION MUST BE MADE BY LOCAL AUTHORITIES.

NO TSUNAMI THREAT EXISTS FOR OTHER COASTAL AREAS IN THE PACIFIC
ALTHOUGH SOME OTHER AREAS MAY EXPERIENCE SMALL SEA LEVEL CHANGES.
THE TSUNAMI WARNING IS CANCELLED.

THIS WILL BE THE FINAL BULLETIN ISSUED FOR THIS EVENT UNLESS
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION BECOMES AVAILABLE.

http://www.prh.noaa.gov/ptwc/wmsg

EVALUATION:
NO TSUNAMI DANGER EXISTS FOR ALASKA, BRITISH COLUMBIA,
WASHINGTON, OREGON, OR CALIFORNIA. HOWEVER, SOME AREAS MAY
EXPERIENCE SMALL SEA LEVEL CHANGES. AS LOCAL CONDITIONS
CAN CAUSE A WIDE VARIATION IN TSUNAMI WAVE ACTION, THE ALL
CLEAR DETERMINATIONS MUST BE MADE BY LOCAL AUTHORITIES.

http://wcatwc.arh.noaa.gov/message.txt

It's hard to sound reassuring IN ALL CAPS, but I ain't retyping this shit.

Funniest Line on Television
 

Some years ago, there was a comedian on Letterman who did a sitting-in-the-chair-talking-to-Dave routine instead of a stand-up routine. I don't remember much about his routine, but he killed. It was something about a fire in his living room, perhaps at Christmas, and he just kept following up with more jokes about it. The punchline of the last one was, "So we had to set a backfire on the cat." In context, it totally killed, and is my nominee.

Out of context, not so much. Flipping channels a few years later, I came upon the middle of the routine, and was entirely unimpressed by the thing about the cat. So I guess you had to be there.

Funniest Line on Television
 

This did not occur to you before you starting typing?

Funniest Line on Television
 

Could not the same be said of "Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos."?

I was secretly hoping that someone saw that Letterman show and could tell me that that young man grew up to be Chris Rock/Ashton Kutcher/etc.

The Doofus Club--Open for members
 

Wow. I'm not alone in being a doofus.

:P

Flinty

So Should the Jehovah's Witnesses Call Before They Come Over?
 

This is my favorite part:

"U.S. Security does not sell anything over the phone," he said. "We simply ask for the opportunity to tell someone about the lifesaving benefits of our security and fire systems in a face-to-face meeting."

So Should the Jehovah's Witnesses Call Before They Come Over?
 

Couldn't you just make an appointment and not be there when they came? Would they stalk you? Keep calling? No - that would cost them money to continue to send people out to your house and you not be there. Would that be cruel?

So Should the Jehovah's Witnesses Call Before They Come Over?
 

You wanna talk cruel? When they keep coming by, that's when you...

1.) Hire ADT or Brinks
2.) Set the alarm off when they show up

which will result in:

a.) The cops showing up and scaring the bejeezus out of them;
or
b.) Starting an all-security guard battle royal when the guards you hired show up...

Sit back and enjoy the fun...

So Should the Jehovah's Witnesses Call Before They Come Over?
 

I think that before the cops show up, that 150dB siren will probably scare the bejeezus out of them first.

But the battle - that sounds fun. You could videotape it. For the internet. Show solicitors what could happen if you just show up to people's houses.

I just hate door-to-door solicitors - even though I collected for American Cancer Society that way a few times. Usually it's some idiot wanting to sell you an alarm or landscaping. You know there are some areas where if you put a sign on your front door that says NO SOLICITING, then they can't bother you.
Unfortunately I no longer live in such an area.

Fucking telemarketers and Fucking Judges
 

Sept. 25 — The furious last-minute jockeying to stop unsolicited telemarketing continued Thursday, as both the House and Senate quickly passed legislation designed to allow a national Do Not Call Registry to take effect Oct. 1, but a second judge blocked implementation of the list.
THE LATEST legal and legislative gymnastics tumbled onto the national stage on Tuesday when U.S. District Judge Lee R. West in Oklahoma blocked the Oct. 1 rollout of the list, saying that the Federal Trade Commission had overstepped its authority by creating the registry.
The House jumped in Thursday, approving by 412-8 a measure designed to counter the Oklahoma judge’s ruling. And late on Thursday, the Senate voted 95 to zero to reinstate the list and send it on to President Bush, who indicated he would approve it.
But late Thursday, U.S. District Judge Edward Nottingham in Denver stepped into the fray.
Nottingham’s decision was based on telemarketers’ free speech rights rather than questions over whether the FTC had the authority to implement such a list. “The Federal Trade Commission has chosen to entangle itself too much in the consumers’ decision by manipulating consumer choice and favoring speech by charitable (organizations) over commercial speech,” the judge wrote.