A sad, constant bid for attention

[Shape Shifter]

• I can trace my family tree back past the Mayflower to the reign of the hybrid reptoid female known to human annals as "Queen Elizabeth." It's a fairly impressive genetic legacy, yet I will always be looked down upon as "inferior" by those who slither across the real corridors of power.
  
  Why? Because my bloodline—unlike that of the Bushes, Clintons, Rockefellers, and others whose names, were they revealed, would astound you—has never entered a shape-shifting, bloodsucking union with those shadowy reptile overlords. But I have plans for me and mine beyond mammalian servitude. The Blakely name deserves better!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53272