Drive fast, live hard, no regrets... Sorry Penske

[SlaveNoMore]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
If any of you guys saw last night's game, that was the worst outfield collision I have ever seen. I gasped. Poor Mikey - is he done for the year?

What the hell does this have to do with the ChiSox?

[SlaveNoMore]

Shape Shifter
At our work functions, we are given 2 drink tickets. I'm not sure if this is for liability reasons or just to save money, though given the parties we used to have, I suspect the latter. Our group admin left the roll of drink tickets on her desk and she is gone for the day. How many should I take?

How many do you need?

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
At our work functions, we are given 2 drink tickets. I'm not sure if this is for liability reasons or just to save money, though given the parties we used to have, I suspect the latter. Our group admin left the roll of drink tickets on her desk and she is gone for the day. How many should I take?

Oh, by the way, my friend's firm filled the position and I've also decided I'd rather you not use me as a reference on that other thing.

[Mister_Ruysbroeck]

Stay away from the chili cookoffs...

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence!

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

--------

tl;dr - mildly amusing potty humor

[NotFromHere]

Originally posted by SlaveNoMore
What the hell does this have to do with the ChiSox?

I am clearly stoned. I was having a discussion with a guy in Chicago that used to work here. Mets. I meant the Mets. It's the Motrin talking. I stayed up late to watch the perseids last night. It was cool.

[Hank Chinaski]

Originally posted by NotFromHere
I am clearly stoned. I was having a discussion with a guy in Chicago that used to work here. Mets. I meant the Mets. It's the Motrin talking. I stayed up late to watch the perseids last night. It was cool.

love means never having to say you're sorry.................

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by Shape Shifter
At our work functions, we are given 2 drink tickets. I'm not sure if this is for liability reasons or just to save money, though given the parties we used to have, I suspect the latter. Our group admin left the roll of drink tickets on her desk and she is gone for the day. How many should I take?

Here is an easy formula:

(Number of hotties who are likely to go x number of drinks they'll need to double up on you) + number of drinks you'll need to gather the courage and the smooveness to get them back to your place

TM

[Not Bob]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
Here is an easy formula:

(Number of hotties who are likely to go x number of drinks they'll need to double up on you) + number of drinks you'll need to gather the courage and the smooveness to get them back to your place

TM

So, we're talking infinity then?

For me, the most troubling part of this story is that Dave Navarro is hosting that INXS show? Something's shocking.

BURKE DATING CHAVRET
Sexy pin-up Brooke Burke reportedly has embarked on a romance with former "Baywatch" actor David Chavret, days after announcing her split from her plastic surgeon husband Garth Fisher.
Burke, who is currently co-hosting "Rock Star: INXS" with Dave Navarro, was recently seen with the actor at a recent taping of her talent search TV show.

An onlooker tells Us Weekly, "Burke and Chavret made a point of not standing near each other too often. But it was obvious they are a couple."

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by Not Bob
So, we're talking infinity then?

Don't apply the formula to me. It is for general use.

TM

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by paigowprincess
For me, the most troubling part of this story is that Dave Navarro is hosting that INXS show? Something's shocking.

BURKE DATING CHAVRET
Sexy pin-up Brooke Burke reportedly has embarked on a romance with former "Baywatch" actor David Chavret, days after announcing her split from her plastic surgeon husband Garth Fisher.
Burke, who is currently co-hosting "Rock Star: INXS" with Dave Navarro, was recently seen with the actor at a recent taping of her talent search TV show.

An onlooker tells Us Weekly, "Burke and Chavret made a point of not standing near each other too often. But it was obvious they are a couple."

She's taking Pam Anderson cast-offs? Has he done anything since Baywatch?

[ltl/fb]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
She's taking Pam Anderson cast-offs? Has he done anything since Baywatch?

Maybe he's really nice, and hung, and knows what to do with it, and has good hands. Geez.

[ThurgreedMarshall]

Originally posted by notcasesensitive
She's taking Pam Anderson cast-offs? Has he done anything since Baywatch?

What did Scott Baio ever do? That guy got more hotties than even Spanky!

TM

[notcasesensitive]

Originally posted by ThurgreedMarshall
What did Scott Baio ever do? That guy got more hotties than even Spanky!

TM

An interesting result of the Spanky pursue-them-til-they-yield dating technique is that the ones who find it charming likely have really low self-esteem. My query then is:

Is it in poor taste for him to later point out that the models who date him are "crazy" or should that just be taken as a given in the first place?

A conundrum. Hopefully someone smarter than ncs can crack this nut.

[ltl/fb]

Oh, so NOW GV tells me that August is Anal Sex Month. On the 12th. I have already WASTED 1/2 of the month, almost.

Bastards.